Eeesh. Definitely don't go to the wedding for starters.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I need help! My head is spinning and I need a solution quickly. My mother has been dating a guy (say “Jim”) for the past year and half. I met him a few times but never got to know him well. Jim persuaded my mom to marry him this fall. My mother asked me to come to the wedding and I asked both of them to have dinner together to discuss their plan. Everything at dinner went well until I jokingly asked if Jim would vote for Trump again …

Backing up: A year ago, Jim came to my house to visit my mom. I later heard that he said something rather inappropriate about race to my friend who was staying at my home that night. I had an inkling. But I just didn’t anticipate the fervor of this man’s support for Trump. Not only does he believe the entire mainstream media is conspiring against Trump, Trump is not to blame for the Jan. 6 insurrection, and Fox News is the only media that’s real, etc., he also doesn’t believe in the COVID vaccine mandate nor climate change. I asked him whether he cared that Trump’s remarks were damaging to the Asian Americans during the pandemic (my mother and I are of Asian descent). Jim yelled at me for having no evidence to support any of those “supposed allegations.” Finally, he told me that because of my Asian descent, I wouldn’t be able to understand American values and freedom. Needless to say, the dinner didn’t go well. I was so in shock that it took me days to unpack many of the other ridiculous things he said. What gave me more grief is that my mother felt that I was unkind to Jim because I brought up politics in the conversation first, and he was “only trying to answer.”

I do not want to have Jim in my life. I do not want to go to the wedding. Most important of all, I do not want to have him around my children who are right now too young to understand politics but one day will be. Am I being too cautious? What should I do about the wedding? If I keep my children away from him, it would mean naturally a lot less contact with my mom as well. What a pity to let a person like Jim to eventually come in between us … but what options do I have?

— Can’t Deal With the Bigot

CharmedPam

I find it odd that LW’s own mother is Ok with this.
Here’s what I would do.  They say funerals are for the living, not the dead, right? Same as this wedding.  I’d go to the ceremony to support mom.  

Then nix the reception. I wouldn’t even pretend to have fun there. But at least you showed support for the actual ceremony: 

VarunaTT

I wouldn't go to shit to do with this relationship with Jim and I'd tell my mother why.  I can't imagine why her mother is okay with any...okay, NVM, I can and do know why and I'm sorry for that. 

But the Department of Homeland Security had to issue a domestic terror alert for marginalized populations in the United States, so fvck Jim and his ilk and their beliefs.  Draw the line, and where ever your mother falls, she falls.

climbingsingle

There's no way I'd go to the wedding or have my children around Jim. And I'd make it explicitly clear to both of them as to why.  

banana468

"Mom, while it appears that you're happy I'm absolutely not able to attend the wedding of someone who is both so bigoted and so insulting to me.   We can always get together when Jim will not be in attendance." 

MyNameIsNot

Mom, I'm not supporting your marriage to a racist. I will not be associating with him and he won't be meeting my children. 

You'll always be welcome to visit without him. 

mrsconn23

MyNameIsNot said:

Mom, I'm not supporting your marriage to a racist. I will not be associating with him and he won't be meeting my children. 

You'll always be welcome to visit without him. 

This, but I'd be on guard for mom bringing up some BS talking points she's parroting from Jim. 

I wonder if LW's mom is a widow or divorced. Just because I've seen widowed parents who were married for a long time make wild choices in their subsequent partners, likely fueled by grief.  I have a friend who's FIL married an awful woman less than a year after her MIL died and it's been extremely hurtful and baffling to her, her H, and BIL's/SIL's.  I'm sure there's some psychology behind going for someone who's so different from your deceased spouse so that you're not reminded of them and how much you miss them. 

I also wonder how long she was single before she met Jim.  LW seems so taken aback by Jim, but I can't tell if it's because he pushed back on them so hard after a 'joke' (even though people like Jim have zero capacity for a joke coming from someone they perceive as not aligned with them) or his overall extreme beliefs.  I mean it's probably both, but is this choice in partner out of left field for mom or just the most extreme one yet?

short+sassy

Jim might be an awful person and someone to be avoided.  But the LW also needs to stop acting like their mom is an innocent victim, ie "Jim persuaded my mom to marry him this fall."

No.  Not "persuaded".  He asked her to marry him.  She said yes, because she wants to marry him.

It also sounds like the main vitriol happened over a year ago.  The LW was still okay occasionally hanging out with their mom and Jim.  It was only when Jim double-downed recently, after the LW brought up politics knowing this was a major point of contention between them, that the shit really hit the fan and now the LW doesn't want to go to the wedding.

Which is fine and understandable.  They could also go to the wedding and not bring their children.

But the LW also needs to stop with their total BULL, that they were just "telling a joke".  They were not telling a joke.  They were very purposefully poking the bear.  Their mom is right, on that point.

banana468

Yeah - I think it wasn't a joke.  Without knowing the LW, I can understand the desire to "feel" out the guy to figure out if anything changed but own that you did it to try to determine the level of support that still exists.   Own that approach rather than use the line that I LOATHE "It was just a joke."  

VarunaTT

This is why I said "mom falls where mom falls".  Mom is marrying Jim.  They're a couple now.  If Mom is willing to visit w/out Jim and requests to, that can be negotiated, but I don't think LW should draw that line for mom, if that makes sense.  It's just going to lead to more arguing.

I get the "joking" thing.  This is an uncomfortable thing and lots of people don't know how to sit with their own, or others, discomfort.  They use humor to disguise.  I also don't think LW is at the point where they can see that Mom is also a bigot, b/c she is.  LW is just blaming Jim.  Again, Mom and Jim are a couple.  They are both bigots, either by belief, support, or enabling.

I'm just not uncomfortable anymore.  Seeing a domestic terror alert for anyone not a cis-het white male in this country is deeply, disturbingly, fundamentally infuriating for me.  I am having issues controlling my temper about this, b/c this is absolutely my country as well.  I've had my first nightmare about a shooting at a drag show now; my life is fundamentally changing b/c I'm scared of being attacked and I'm angry that I'm afraid and I'm not.going.to.be.angry.at.myself.for.it.  I have no intention of being silent, quiet, compromising, any of it, b/c Jim and his ilk aren't either.