Dear Prudence,
My mother, in her 70s, talks frequently about her traumatic childhood with her “battle ax” mother and her disengaged father. Both of her parents died several years ago. I had great relationships with my grandparents when they were alive, as did my brother, many cousins, and uncles. They were warm, funny, and attentive to us, and we loved them dearly. This obviously doesn’t align with my mother’s experiences.
After my grandfather died, my mother was in charge of making his arrangements. When I visited his grave recently, I was shocked to see that the epitaph my mother chose for his headstone read “I had to work.” Apparently, she thought it appropriate to memorialize her grievance that she didn’t get enough of his attention as a child … on his gravestone at the National Cemetery.
My grandfather grew up in abject poverty, had very little formal education, served in WWII, and, yes, worked two jobs for 40 years to provide for his family. Going back to when my mother was a child, he was there at every holiday, graduation, and wedding. It saddens and infuriates me that his life would be reduced to this epitaph when he was so much more to many people. (For what it’s worth, my mother can be very difficult and is estranged from nearly everyone in the family.)
I don’t have authority to get the headstone changed without my mother’s permission, and the thought of bringing it up with her sends me into a panic. My brother agrees with me but won’t engage with her at all. Is there a way to tackle this that will result in justice for my beloved grandfather while also preserving the relationship with my mother?
— Respect for Gramps