Future In Laws won't update and send the guest list

knottie2ad1169eec168747

I got engaged July 2021 and have been asking my future in-laws for the family guest list for over a year.  They finally sent me an old Christmas card list in November, but it was missing a LOT of information. I cleaned up the list and sent it back to them for final missing information. I gave them a HARD deadline of Dec. 20th to return it to me so I could finalize the list and send my save the dates. I am getting married in Sept. and am already BEHIND on sending out my save the dates. Today my fiancé told me his dad is "working on it". But I am FED UP and no longer want to try and honor their list. 

I would not care as much, except my fiancé has a very large family on both sides, and his parents are determined to invite 90+ family members. A cousin on each side of his family was married in October, and I was promised I would receive those guest lists to use. His mom made multiple giants stinks about how I needed to increase my max guest count (nope, 250 is already too many ppl IMO) to accommodate more family. I simply do not understand being so obsessive about inviting family and then NOT sending me the list of people to invite! 

They are both retired and literally have nothing else to do but work on this list. I feel incredibly disrespected and honestly want to cancel the entire wedding because of this. 

charlotte989875

knottie2ad1169eec168747 said:

I got engaged July 2021 and have been asking my future in-laws for the family guest list for over a year.  They finally sent me an old Christmas card list in November, but it was missing a LOT of information. I cleaned up the list and sent it back to them for final missing information. I gave them a HARD deadline of Dec. 20th to return it to me so I could finalize the list and send my save the dates. I am getting married in Sept. and am already BEHIND on sending out my save the dates. Today my fiancé told me his dad is "working on it". But I am FED UP and no longer want to try and honor their list. 

I would not care as much, except my fiancé has a very large family on both sides, and his parents are determined to invite 90+ family members. A cousin on each side of his family was married in October, and I was promised I would receive those guest lists to use. His mom made multiple giants stinks about how I needed to increase my max guest count (nope, 250 is already too many ppl IMO) to accommodate more family. I simply do not understand being so obsessive about inviting family and then NOT sending me the list of people to invite! 

They are both retired and literally have nothing else to do but work on this list. I feel incredibly disrespected and honestly want to cancel the entire wedding because of this. 

Take a breath, this is super frustrating but not worth canceling your wedding over. Give them a break until after the new year. The have your fiancé (not you) tell them, “we’re sending out save the dates on X date, if there’s anyone you want to receive one we need their information by then”. And leave it at that. If they don’t send the information then their requested guests don’t get a save the date. 

And remember, STDs aren’t required and not every guest needs one, so it’s not the end of the world. If they don’t get you information before you send the invites have your FI use the same approach “invites are mailed X date, 6-8 weeks before the wedding. Anyone you want to invite we need their information by Y day”. 

But I’d also stop dealing with them directly and have you fiancé handle it. He knows them, he knows when things need to go out, you can stay out if it. 

banana468

If your families celebrate the holidays this is NOT the weekend to draw any lines in the sand.  I remember pre-wedding stress and now I'm in pre holiday stress and well - they're similar.  

You need STDs out soon but you still have time.  Is your FI close to the cousins that were married?  Can they reach out to those cousins and simply ask for a list of names and addresses so you can update and compare?  I know every few years we update our spreadsheets for Christmas cards so this could also be a nice way for the cousins to talk.

And I'll also echo that the STDs are for the MUST invite list.  Not everyone needs them and if a few stragglers that don't exceed the guest list go out late you're OK.  The general time frame is 9 months for STDs for international weddings and 6 mo for regular.  Take a deep breath and revisit this after the New Year. 

Jen4948

If you have the names, you might consider using Spokeo or another one of those paid online databases to look for addresses and phone numbers. If you're connected to any of them on social media, you might reach out that way, or ask your FI to do so if he is connected to them.

As PPs have said, you don't have to send STDs to every single person on the guest list-just the VIPs.  You have some time to collect the information for the other guests. 

MesmrEwe

Save the Dates are NOT a necessary/mandatory component of planning a wedding!  They're nice if travel plans involve something like the 4th of July weekend with a large community festival that draws people in from out of town or a destination wedding for the entirety of the guest list, but even then, not mandatory!  The reality is that life can change a lot between now and when the invitations are sent out (~8 weeks before the wedding) and the worst thing is to send Save the Dates and not be able to invite everyone who got one for an unexpected reason (Venue shutdown, construction, venue change, miscalculated numbers - I've had that happen for at least three weddings got the STD and oops the couple never bothered to count the numbers until the invitation time and were woefully over what their venue could hold in the hundreds!, etc.). 

Only send Save the Date cards to your VIP's which is anyone that you/FI would be really sad if they were not there.  This is sort of one of those times when the bridal magazines/industry have sold you on a "bridal blinders" idea that isn't worth wrecking relationships over!  Your wedding planning is still plenty ahead of schedule, and they aren't keeping the accurate list from you to spite you nor your deadline!  People plan events using many of the same vendors in less than a week to companies who plan staff events for as-many people in less than a month including the notifications there-of.  As long as you have the final list before you start addressing invitations, that's the important part, otherwise, you just need to know Uncles Ted and Bill have four kids, Betty and Bobby Sue have Significant others to invite, Cousin Eddie and his crew amount to six, so you have accurate numbers for your vendors and venue space allowances.  

From here onward, "Blood talks to Blood" when it comes to planning portions on a deadline.  Let your FI work with your FI's family to get this information instead of you putting ultimatum dates which it's 7mo out, you're still plenty fine other than having a rough guest count when booking vendors.

ei34

This isn't your job, this is your FI's job, full stop. It's his wedding too, he should be helping with planning 50/50.  Can he ask one of his recently-married cousins directly for a contact list?  My parents are retired and my mom was texting my sisters and me all December for random family addresses for Christmas cards - kind of baffled as to why this is your future in-laws' job to be family gatekeepers and shocked they were given a hard deadline at such a busy time of year.  

Send your STD's to whomever you have addresses for (though keep in mind, they're optional...I didn't send STDs).  Your wedding invitations are going out some time in July I imagine, so your FI needs his family members' addresses by then.