Do you want to stay friends with Anne or not?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have a friend “Anne” who got married about five years ago. Since then, she has slowly faded away as a friend. I get that’s happening, but the problem is, she basically sees me as a friend only when her husband is away. She told me once that she feels “uncomfortable leaving him at home.” Meanwhile, he spends several days a week leaving the house on his hobbies. I realize that friends change when they get married, but she almost completely blows me off when her husband is in town. I’ve struggled to find friends that I enjoy as much as her, I just feel like an afterthought. Am I being unreasonable? Is this just one of those things that I have to accept as a part of her personality now?

—Distant Friends

banana468

If you want to stay friends with her then talk to her.

But also in plenty of ways including the name I may be Anne.  And a lot of times it's just easier and more comfortable to stay home and it has nothing to do with friendship and everything to do with finding comfort with a fellow human adult and not wanting to leave the house.  It doesn't mean I don't value friendships but at times after working I am happy to be in pants with no buttons not doing anything.

But when the dude is gone I haven't had adult conversation or time so it feels different.  I understand that to the LW it feels like they're in second place but it's a not an intentional slight and more from an introvert feeling comfortable. 

MyNameIsNot

There are more than four friends, LW. If Anne is only a friend to fill the space when her husband is away, she's not really a friend. 

short+sassy

While it probably wouldn't hurt to talk to Anne about it, the LW also needs to understand this is what the friendship is now.

If her H is home, Anne wants to spend time with him.  And that's fine.  It's neither here nor there that he will leave her alone for his hobbies.  That's their business.  Though it's probably why she reserves her friend outings for when he is out of town.

STARMOON44

Anne has been very clear. What is there to discuss? She’s not the friend you want her to be so invest time in building new real relationships 

charlotte989875

It’s not unreasonable to want her to show up for you, but I wonder about the “she blows me off when her husband is in town”; is this implying that he is not in town a lot? If that’s the case; he travels or is away a lot I get her not wanting to leave when he’s around. If she only has limited time with him (his hobbies, his travel) then I get it. 

But if she’s not texting or communicating at all when he’s gone? That sucks. But is she just not willing to go to dinner or go out? I don’t think that’s *so* wrong. Doesn’t mean LW has to put up with it, or that they shouldn’t say something about how they’re feeling in the friendship but I need more context. 

VarunaTT

I wish people had training in how to hold dissonant thoughts.  No, your feelings aren't unreasonable, they're just feelings.  Yes, it's part of her personality now.

You have to figure out how you want to hold those dissonant things.  You can accept the friendship as it is evolving, you can try to see if it can be evolved in a different way, you can decide you're finished with it...there's a lot of options on the table and it starts with what do you actually want, is that possible, and how do you move forward.