Wedding Woes

Alec needs a backbone.

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend, Alec, has friends who are big moochers. He made a few of these pals through work, and he has even invited them to his family’s vacation home. But since then, they’ve gotten very comfortable asking him to use the house for themselves. They’re not gracious about staying there, either: One of their girlfriends blatantly told Alec that they were only friends with him for the beach house! Another threw a party and left the place a mess.

I grew up in a working-class family of six, and I cannot imagine treating a friend like this. I told Alec that I find these people rude and entitled. The last straw, for me, was when we went on a group outing together. His friends ordered extras and only paid small fractions of the bill, walking out and leaving Alec and I with a tab of almost $300. (Two of them ignored my Venmo requests.) I have no desire to hang out with them again, but Alec is torn, and after all, they are his “friends.” How should we handle this?

— Who Raised These People?

Re: Alec needs a backbone.

  • These are not friends.  If they were friends, there would be a mutual agreement here. 

    How old are you and how old is Alec? Alec needs to set rules and parameters but if he doesn't you can't stop him.  Is this starting to make life more expensive for YOU?  IMO, that's one way to get him to understand that these actions are not OK if they stiff you with the bill or he asks you to help clean up.  Don't pull out your credit card for these outings or don't attend them and make sure you're not available for clean up.  
    short+sassylevioosaVarunaTT
  • Lololol. This is Alec’s problem. He pays the unexpected Venmo. You decide if you want to date him. I wouldn’t. 
    Right??  If the LW is out of this $ then she needs to be clear that people who haven't paid her either need to or he does.  

    And if the house is a mess she has some upcoming solo time this weekend while Alec cleans it.  But I'd be quite clear to Alec that his financial foolishness isn't going to be hers and yeah - I wouldn't be with someone who was both a doormat financially and as a friend.
    STARMOON44short+sassycharlotte989875
  • Alec himself might be a great guy.  But I'm not hitching my star to someone who lets people take advantage of him to this great extent.  The LW is already suffering financially after that dinner.  If they get more serious and join their finances together, it will just be worse.  Plus he must be really insecure that he feels he needs to "buy" friends.  Also not an attractive quality.

    I'm curious about the ownership of this beach house and how the insurance is set up.  Letting "friends" stay there and throw parties, sounds like even when Alec isn't on the trip also, is a huge liability risk.  If Alec owns it with other people in his family, he's potentially putting their financial security at risk also.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    banana468
  • Alec himself might be a great guy.  But I'm not hitching my star to someone who lets people take advantage of him to this great extent.  The LW is already suffering financially after that dinner.  If they get more serious and join their finances together, it will just be worse.  Plus he must be really insecure that he feels he needs to "buy" friends.  Also not an attractive quality.

    I'm curious about the ownership of this beach house and how the insurance is set up.  Letting "friends" stay there and throw parties, sounds like even when Alec isn't on the trip also, is a huge liability risk.  If Alec owns it with other people in his family, he's potentially putting their financial security at risk also.
    Yeah - I'm picturing this as Alec running things and when his parents come for their one weekend in 3 months he's going to be in for a really rude awakening when they see how he's treated the place.  Because if there are other homeowners it doesn't matter who destroyed it - it matters that Alex let it happen so he's responsible.
    short+sassyMesmrEwe
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Here's the thing about doormats. You can walk all over them, but you can't force them to stand up for themselves. LW, you need to just let Alec figure this out or live with the consequences. There's nothing you can do. 
    VarunaTTMesmrEwe
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Lololol. This is Alec’s problem. He pays the unexpected Venmo. You decide if you want to date him. I wouldn’t. 
    Yup, either put up with his bad decisions and let him make them or get out.  But if a serious future is in the furure, factor in his (lack thereof) backbone.

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