When I was 15, my world exploded. My father had been having a years-long affair with my personal coach. In fact, the entire reason why he pushed me into the sport was to cover up the affair. It devastated my mother and showered me with crippling doubt about my own ability and self-worth. My coach talked about me being Olympic material and nearly all my free time went into training.
After the divorce, I refused to speak to my father and I gave up the sport. I had severe depression and even with therapy, it is very hard for me to look in the mirror and not see wasted potential. I am engaged. As an olive branch, I have been slowly talking again to my father. But I am not ready, and might not ever be, to speak to his new wife. In some ways, her betrayal hurts worst than what my father did. She exploited my dreams and ambitions and drove me to levels that left me with injuries. Some lifelong. And it was in service to fucking my father. My father and I were never close. My relationship with my mother is an entirely different kettle of fish. My coach was very much the most important adult in my life at the time. I want my father at my wedding. I don’t want his wife there. Is that reasonable? How do I have this conversation? Every time I try to make more than small talk with my father, my throat closes up.