Wedding Woes

My nextdoor dorm-mates might be racist.

Dear Prudence, 

I am a first-year college student who lives in a dorm. I’ve mostly been enjoying my time in the dorm; I’ve met a few new people in my hall who I consider friends. However, I’ve also been having issues with neighbors; specifically the boys, “Eric” and “Sean” who live in the room below me. Eric and Sean love video games. They seem to play them literally 24/7. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem, but they also make very loud noises while playing. They scream and make cackle-like laughs and often bring friends over to have full-scale gaming parties. I happen to be very sensitive to sound, but I know I live in a dorm and that dorms are loud, so while it’s annoying, I usually just let them be.

However, last night I heard something that made me wonder if it might be time to stop letting them be. Eric and Sean were engaging in their usual loud gaming ways when I heard one of them (I’m not sure who) say what sounded quite a lot like the n-word. Both Eric and Sean are white. I’m sure they used it to get a rise out of others, as I unfortunately grew up with a lot of non-Black kids who used the n-word for this reason. That, of course, doesn’t mean that it’s right. Sean and Eric shouldn’t be using that word, and it made me very uncomfortable to hear them use it (I am also white).

My questions concern how I should proceed (this was also why I didn’t report it when it happened—I wasn’t quite sure what I should do). I am hesitant to speak to my RA about it, as she is Black, and I worry that my expressing these concerns might harm her mental well-being more than anything. She also has no jurisdiction over the floor below ours, so I’m not sure she would even be able to really address the issue. I don’t know who the RA for the floor below me is, so that is probably out of the question. That leaves our dorm’s community director, who probably would be able to take action against these boys for their atrocious behavior. However, I also wonder if I should just leave it alone. I’m not 100 percent sure that they did use the n-word, as it sounded a lot like it, but also felt like the pronunciation was “off” somehow, to the point where it’s possible that it may have instead been a word or combination of words in another language. Additionally, it was a private conversation that I overheard, so that may also be inappropriate to report based on the fact that I technically shouldn’t have heard them (even though the walls are pretty thin in this dorm).

To me, none of that should matter—using a racial slur is wrong no matter where you use it, and any time you hear it, it should be reported. I also figure that it’s better to accidentally report something that one thinks is offensive but isn’t than give a racist the benefit of the doubt. But I have no evidence (recording someone without their consent is illegal where I go to school, and I’d rather not go to an authority figure with illegally-collected evidence). That being said, do you think I should go to my RA, or would it be best to go to the community director? Do you think I should report Eric and Sean even without evidence?

— Eavesdropper with Ethics

Re: My nextdoor dorm-mates might be racist.

  • There is no good that is going to come from reporting something that you aren't even sure you heard.

    What you can do is ask them to quiet down if they're loud after quiet hours and if you are CERTAIN that you're hearing racial slurs then that's time to go to your RA if it's aggressive to you.

    But this is also going to be one of those situations IMO where you need to know your school's code of conduct.  Are there statements specific about hate speech when the words aren't against you?    Are there regulations about the speech in general?  While it would be great to make sure that all students refrain from using ethnic slurs or other horrible commentary the reality is that it's not so easy to get them to stop especially if there are freedoms of speech clauses in student code as well. 


  •  I don’t know who the RA for the floor below me is, so that is probably out of the question”.

    Then find out….

  • Report the noise *especially* if you have a specific noise regulation they're not following. Dont' report anything else you're not 100% sure about. 

    I reported noise all the freaking time in my dorm on the dipshits who lived below me. It was infuriating. 
  • Definitely report the noise. But you shouldn't do much else if you're not sure what you heard. 
  • I think Prudie nailed their response:

    Dear Eavesdropper,

    I can’t wait until 3 years from now when you graduate and are a real adult out in the world. We need more people like you! You care about doing the right thing (putting an end to these guys screaming the n-word, if that is in fact what it is), but you’re also weighing all the potential complications: Burdening the Black RA, violating the law, reporting something that turns out not to be what you think it was. I just want to affirm that your realizing this is even a dilemma shows how thoughtful you are.

    On a practical level: Keep listening. If you get to a place where you’re more than 85 percent sure that what you’re hearing is a racial slur, slide an anonymous note under the door. “We have thin walls, and I believe I’ve heard you yelling a racial slur from another part of the building. If I’m wrong, I apologize. If I’m correct, please stop.” If you still hear it after that, go to the community director along and explain everything you’ve told me here, including that you could possibly be wrong.


  • If they said it once they’ll say it again. Wait for that to happen then let them know you’ve heard them and they should stop. If they don’t, report them to the Director. 
  • It is your RA’s job to handle dorm issues. Which here could start with “I’m not sure how to communicate with my downstairs neighbors that playing video games loudly all night is very disruptive, can you help me with that?”
  • It is your RA’s job to handle dorm issues. Which here could start with “I’m not sure how to communicate with my downstairs neighbors that playing video games loudly all night is very disruptive, can you help me with that?”
    Right!  Just go to your OWN RA with the quiet hour situation.  Your RA has the numbers of all the other RAs.  

    Signed, former RA. 
  • I see no issue with reporting the noise - yes, dorms are noisy places, but there should a limit to what you and everyone else is expected to tolerate. 

    Do not report them for saying the n-word if you aren't absolutely, positively sure that's what they said. If it happens again and you're sure that's what they're doing, speak to the Community Director and express your concerns. But not until you know for sure.
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