You have a lot of expectations based on a few yard signs.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 

I (30, they/them) live in a small city that tends to lean pretty conservative, whereas my household is definitely not. Since moving into a house a few years ago, I had dreams of becoming friends (or at least being friendly, in a way that can build community for sharing resources, helping each other out, etc.) with my new neighbors … but that was quickly dashed when I realized most people directly around me are the types that either really keep to themselves or are full-blown, far-right, racist conspiracy theorists. I basically gave up on trying to go out of my way to connect with anyone around us, but over the past couple of years, I started noticing a few houses around us have yard signs indicating that the people living there are, at the very least, fairly liberal. It made me want to reach out to those people, with the hopes it would turn out better than previous attempts to meet neighbors. Easy enough, right?

The problem is, I’m not sure how best to do this! Some complicating factors include: I’m agender and use they/them pronouns, which many people struggle with/are put off by, and our household is still taking COVID seriously, so we wouldn’t be up for unmasked meetings or people randomly showing up at our door. My first instinct was to write them a letter (since we obviously would know the address) and introduce ourselves that way and include phone numbers/emails for contact, but I’m not sure what to include or if that would be weird. If I send a letter, what would I say? Should I mention why I chose them to reach out to? Do I include our pronouns? Do I mention we are still adhering to COVID precautions and wouldn’t want people showing up unannounced? And if not a letter, what would be a better option? I’m not sure what is considered “normal” for meeting neighbors, because I grew up almost exclusively in apartments, and that always felt different since we’d mostly just meet people in passing in the hallways.

I know I’m overthinking this all, but I would love your opinion, thoughts, scripts, or anything else you’ve got!

— To Write or Not to Write

STARMOON44

If you’re not up for speaking to them outside I truly don’t know what kind of relationship you envision. 

short+sassy

I am definitely not dissing on anyone else's COVID protocols.  But if they are still feeling this COVID-cautious, would they actually feel comfortable in meeting new people?  Because becoming neighbor friends will involve things like having them over for a cup of coffee or a BBQ.

Maybe they should wait until they feel comfortable no longer wearing masks.  Because nowadays, wearing masks...especially to visit neighbors/friends...is pretty unusual.  Some people might find that offensive, even if they shouldn't.  Some people might be fine with it, but not willing to wear a mask themselves.  Plus the wording would have to be careful to not have something off-putting, when describing they don't want drop-bys because they are still COVID-cautious and want everyone masked for a "meet and greet".

A letter would also be unusual, but probably not unwelcome for most people.  I'm not sure how "new" these neighbors are but, if these are people who have moved in recently, the letter could be written like a "welcome to the neighborhood".  Which would be less "odd" for a letter that's trying to get to know your neighbors.

In the letter, the LW should use their preferred pronouns.  But not call out they are agender.  That feels more like something done, in person and in the moment.  Like if the person uses a gendered pronoun while referring to the LW, the LW would casually correct them their preferred pronouns.

ei34

So I happen to have one of those "In this house we believe...science is real/love is love...etc" signs on the front lawn.  Not prominently displayed front and center, just to the right of the front steps.  But, yeah, I'd be very confused by the letter LW is proposing.  I'd probably throw it out  Very old fashioned, but every person I call an IRL friend I've met in person.  I know there are online ways to make friends/connections/neighbors though, could LW try that?

climbingsingle

Maybe I'm just cranky today, but this person sounds exhausting. If you're still taking Covid this seriously that you're masking, what kind of relationships do you even want? 

And I do get it. When N first moved to our house 10 years, he really envisioned a community feel. And he had that for a little while. Was great friends with the woman across the street and they all had kids the same age. Then she got married and her H is really just not a good person. We're in a super conservative area and there are 3 "F Biden" flags/signs just on our street alone. We do have new neighbors next door, and we've chatted with them often and given then vegetables from our garden. They did invite us over for a BBQ last summer but we were out of town. Hopefully we'll get to spend some time together with them this spring/summer. But it's really not something you can force.

And like you said in the subject line, LW is really putting a lot of expectations based on a sign on a yard. I might have a sign like that on my yard - doesn't necessarily mean I want to socialize and be BFFs with my neighbors. 

VarunaTT

climbingsingle said:

Maybe I'm just cranky today, but this person sounds exhausting. If you're still taking Covid this seriously that you're masking, what kind of relationships 

This is exactly what i thought too. 

banana468

Unless LW has more to elaborate on immunocompromised people in the house I'm not sure why they're still sticking to Covid rules.

short+sassy

climbingsingle said:

We're in a super conservative area and there are 3 "F Biden" flags/signs just on our street alone. 

And like you said in the subject line, LW is really putting a lot of expectations based on a sign on a yard. I might have a sign like that on my yard - doesn't necessarily mean I want to socialize and be BFFs with my neighbors. 

To be fair, I can understand wanting to get to know some neighbors and not others based on their yard signs.

Though more from an "elimination" standpoint, lol.

To use your example, if a neighbor had a pro-Trump and/or "F Biden" sign in the yard, that's a neighbor I would be "formally polite" with.  But wouldn't initiate or accept any other social contact.

And I feel like that is more where the LW is coming from.  That they'd like to meet some of their neighbors and see if a friendship develops.  But have already ixnayed a lot of the neighbors, because they know they wouldn't get along with them over political beliefs.  With some of those neighbors even being hateful and racist.

charlotte989875

LW sounds really lonely and the pandemic didn’t help that at all. But there are options (hello internet friends) for connection. Or figure out what your boundaries on Covid precautions are? Is an outside unmasked planned event okay? There’s very low risk of transmission in that case. 

But I don’t see how writing a letter to someone you don’t know saying you want to get to know them but you’re not actually wanting to meet up in person goes? 

climbingsingle

short+sassy said:

climbingsingle said:

We're in a super conservative area and there are 3 "F Biden" flags/signs just on our street alone. 

And like you said in the subject line, LW is really putting a lot of expectations based on a sign on a yard. I might have a sign like that on my yard - doesn't necessarily mean I want to socialize and be BFFs with my neighbors. 

To be fair, I can understand wanting to get to know some neighbors and not others based on their yard signs.

Though more from an "elimination" standpoint, lol.

To use your example, if a neighbor had a pro-Trump and/or "F Biden" sign in the yard, that's a neighbor I would be "formally polite" with.  But wouldn't initiate or accept any other social contact.

And I feel like that is more where the LW is coming from.  That they'd like to meet some of their neighbors and see if a friendship develops.  But have already ixnayed a lot of the neighbors, because they know they wouldn't get along with them over political beliefs.  With some of those neighbors even being hateful and racist.

Oh yeah, I totally get that. But if they doesn't want people turning at their door, and is not OK with unmaked events, I'm not sure what type of relationship they're really looking for, you know? A pen pal? Someone to just wave at when passing by?

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

LW sounds really lonely and the pandemic didn’t help that at all. But there are options (hello internet friends) for connection. Or figure out what your boundaries on Covid precautions are? Is an outside unmasked planned event okay? There’s very low risk of transmission in that case. 

But I don’t see how writing a letter to someone you don’t know saying you want to get to know them but you’re not actually wanting to meet up in person goes? 

Right!  Considering I'm about to be a "new" neighbor in a few months, I'm kinda looking for ideas, lol.

I don't like people just showing up at my door, so it's not really my style to knock on someone's door and introduce myself.

But now I'm thinking I could do something like put a BBQ invitation in people's mailboxes.  Something like, "Hi, we're your new neighbors, Jenny and H.  We'd love to get to know you all and are having a BBQ this Saturday at 123 Main St.  Come by anytime between noon-3pm."

The more I think about it, the more I think it needs to be a "group" invitation like that as opposed to an individualized one.  It's one thing if they know someone casually like "hi/bye".  Then it makes more sense to invite them over for coffee.  But if it's a random neighbor they've never met and the only thing they know about them is their yard signs, then an individual invite gets creepy.  Unless it's a new neighbor.  That wouldn't strike me as creepy because then there is a reason for the letter.

I've sometimes seen things like this on Nextdoor.  Someone has a general interest...sometimes the general interest is just that they want to meet their neighbors...and they have a "call to action" for likeminded people.  Which is typically meeting at a local coffee house at a date/time that they put in their post.

But the LW might not be comfortable with anything like what I've described, if they want everyone wearing masks.  Which isn't going to happen.

downtondiva

Just because they have liberal yard signs out doesn't mean you're going to get along with them otherwise. You're putting way too much stock in that. 

Don't write a letter - I'm sorry but that's just weird. And I'm not sure how you are expecting to get to know anyone if you're still being that COVID cautious. I understand you probably have your reasons, and I get that you're doing what you think is necessary, but you have to be realistic about the fact that most people are living their lives more normally now. You can't tell people that you want to get to know them more but then reject every single option for doing that because you don't think it's safe. 

Honestly, the only thing that you may be able to do is go for a walk in your neighborhood and if you see someone in one of those houses outside, say hi and see what happens. And really, COVID and lawn signs aside - why is it so necessary to be friends with your neighbors? Maybe it's just the part of the country I'm from or the area where I grew up, but I don't remember everyone in my neighborhood being best friends with each other. What I'm saying is, don't force it.

MyNameIsNot

I would be so weirded out to get a letter in my mailbox asking me to be new BFFs. 

I agree that this needs to wait until LW is ready to be unmasked around people, but how about going for a walk? The only way I know any of my neighbors is from walking my dog. 

kerbohl

MyNameIsNot said:

I would be so weirded out to get a letter in my mailbox asking me to be new BFFs. 

I agree that this needs to wait until LW is ready to be unmasked around people, but how about going for a walk? The only way I know any of my neighbors is from walking my dog. 

Me too!  Sometimes I know the dog names and not the people's names.

short+sassy

kerbohl said:

MyNameIsNot said:

I would be so weirded out to get a letter in my mailbox asking me to be new BFFs. 

I agree that this needs to wait until LW is ready to be unmasked around people, but how about going for a walk? The only way I know any of my neighbors is from walking my dog. 

Me too!  Sometimes I know the dog names and not the people's names.

The mistake I always make when I'm walking my dog and we come upon other dog-walking people is...after we all do the "is your dog friendly" dance...I'll fawn over the other dog.

Then realize after 30-60 seconds that I have almost completely ignored the people, lol.  So I try and make up for it by having a short conversation about the dogs, where I'm looking at and paying attention to the people.

But I think it's usually all good.  I'm sure people do that to me also, but it makes my dog so happy to get attention from new people that I don't really care.

MobKaz

downtondiva said:

Just because they have liberal yard signs out doesn't mean you're going to get along with them otherwise. You're putting way too much stock in that. 

Don't write a letter - I'm sorry but that's just weird. And I'm not sure how you are expecting to get to know anyone if you're still being that COVID cautious. I understand you probably have your reasons, and I get that you're doing what you think is necessary, but you have to be realistic about the fact that most people are living their lives more normally now. You can't tell people that you want to get to know them more but then reject every single option for doing that because you don't think it's safe. 

Honestly, the only thing that you may be able to do is go for a walk in your neighborhood and if you see someone in one of those houses outside, say hi and see what happens. And really, COVID and lawn signs aside - why is it so necessary to be friends with your neighbors? Maybe it's just the part of the country I'm from or the area where I grew up, but I don't remember everyone in my neighborhood being best friends with each other. What I'm saying is, don't force it.

100%

levioosa

kerbohl said:

MyNameIsNot said:

I would be so weirded out to get a letter in my mailbox asking me to be new BFFs. 

I agree that this needs to wait until LW is ready to be unmasked around people, but how about going for a walk? The only way I know any of my neighbors is from walking my dog. 

Me too!  Sometimes I know the dog names and not the people's names.

SIL and I have a regular place we walk/hike. We know Pickles and Winnie but we have zero idea what their owners are called. Lol. 

MyNameIsNot

kerbohl said:

MyNameIsNot said:

I would be so weirded out to get a letter in my mailbox asking me to be new BFFs. 

I agree that this needs to wait until LW is ready to be unmasked around people, but how about going for a walk? The only way I know any of my neighbors is from walking my dog. 

Me too!  Sometimes I know the dog names and not the people's names.

Yes! My husband will tell me about a conversation with neighbors only with dogs' names. "The lady who lives next door to Jo. No, not Kaylee's mom, the other side with no dog."