It sounds like it's come to the end of the road, at least romantic/intimately.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 

I’m a 24-year-old trans woman living with my fiancé, a 25-year-old non-binary fem. We have been together for almost six years, and we have lived together for about three and a half years after I moved to her country. We had always been incredibly in love, and they supported my transition 100 percent when I started coming out about two years ago. In the last couple of years, we’ve been having some issues (mostly around us having a hard time managing money and my partner’s depression), but we’ve always tried to work on things and work together.

They confided in me about a year ago (with a tremendous amount of guilt) that they weren’t feeling the same attraction to me as they did before I transitioned. We were still committed to working together to deal with it, and for a while it seemed like it was doing better. However, in the past couple weeks, it’s come up again when talking about getting couples therapy, and we confronted it head-on yesterday. We had a long tearful discussion; they said that, as hard as they were trying, they just didn’t feel the physical connection anymore. We had been trying out polyamory, which was working for me but they really struggled with it, and we just don’t know if this can work out.

We’re both utterly heartbroken, and it feels like the world is turning upside down. They feel horrendous and wish more than anything that they could just feel that same attraction, but they can’t (and I don’t think that’s their fault). Is there anything we can do to fix this problem? Or is this a hopeless situation? Either way, they are committed to staying together at least on paper to help me get my permanent residency so I won’t lose everything.

— Absolutely Heartbroken

STARMOON44

No there’s nothing to be done. 

climbingsingle

Doesn't really sounds like there's much more that can be done to "fix" it. 

VarunaTT

I wish they weren't connecting the transition and the physical attraction.  I've seen so many couples go down this road, and it's what scared me when K came out as non-binary.  There is so much support that has to come from the partner of a transitioning person and, for awhile, the entire relationship will revolve around that.  I suspect that (simply b/c of experience) the relationship fails b/c it's really hard to maintain a significant level of support for such a huge life change and maintain a romantic connection.  It's not impossible, but I have seen more breakups than successful relationships at this point. 

With me and K, we had to have an intense coversation about what did being non-binary mean for them personally?  Were they going to have any surgeries?  Take different hormones?  Hormone blockers?  B/c I had just come out of a marriage where I had to do everything and all of the attention was focused exH and his needs and I wasn't willing to be in a relationship where I needed to give that much support again (at the time, I think this was a year after we started dating).

Realistically, this isn't salvageable.  No matter the why, you both now want different things out of your partners.  It's time to let go of this version of the relationship.

banana468

The reality is that the attraction is gone.  There is no longer a romantic relationship here. 

charlotte989875

This reminds me to Ted Lasso when Ted and Michelle were beaming u and he told her she didn’t have to keep trying anymore. 

Let your partner go. It’s time.