Dear Prudence,
I am a high school sophomore struggling with a friend’s sort-of-homophobia. “Ella” is straight, and I am a closeted lesbian. We became close fairly quickly at the beginning of our freshman year, but when she repeatedly asked me if I was straight, we had known each other for less than a month. It’s obvious she was trying to be “inclusive,” but all she succeeded in doing was freaking me out. I didn’t know if she was trustworthy, so I ended up lying, which I don’t regret but still feel horrible about.
If it was just that, I would try to let it go. The thing is, it’s not just that. Every so often, Ella will say something mildly icky about gay people. I try to push back, sometimes gently and sometimes not-so-gently. However, she always brushes me off, downplays the impact of her words, or condescendingly claims to “know” that [insert stereotype] is actually reality. Then I always end up agreeing to disagree, because going back and forth is exhausting. The constant balancing act of standing up for what’s right while making sure Ella doesn’t get suspicious is frustrating and upsetting. Ella is also incredibly boy-crazy, which means she expects me to be up for discussing both her and my crushes constantly. Thankfully, it’s gotten better since we met, especially since I started to pretend that I’m a “late bloomer” who’s just more interested in schoolwork.
I hate all of this, though! I hate lying, and changing the subject, and agreeing to disagree, and feeling conflicted about a person I otherwise like and enjoy. I hate that she pretends to be tolerant when she’s one of the most narrow-minded people I’ve ever met. My only other queer friend goes to a very accepting school and has loads of accepting friends, so I have nobody in my life who understands what I’m going through. Lately, I have tried to put some distance between Ella and me, but we’re part of the same friend group at school, so I’m sort of stuck with her. What can I do? Please help!
— Losing-It Lesbian