Your husband is so wrong for all of this.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I have a toddler together. He has a 14-year-old daughter, “Emma,” from his first marriage. I have tried every hard to bond with Emma, but her mother has made it impossible. She thinks Emma should not be around someone like me (I am a different ethnicity than my husband). We have tried counseling and it didn’t work. Emma feels like she has to be loyal to her mother above all else and my husband was desperate to just keep Emma in his life—so I stepped back. When Emma is over, I basically become a single parent. My husband devotes all his time and energy to Emma. It seems to work since Emma has calmed down and stopped acting out like she used to, but it is lonely. My toddler and I don’t even eat with my husband and Emma. My toddler has started to notice that Daddy goes away when Emma is over. I desperately do want Emma and my child to have some kind of positive relationship in the future, but I feel like we are setting up a faulty foundation. My mom tells me that I worry too much and Emma will be in college before my child even has any real memories of these times. Emma will get better once she is grown and out of her mother’s direct control. I just need to be patient. I love my husband, but he tells me pushing the situation will only backfire on our family. I need some outside advice, please.

— Single Mother Stepmother

banana468

Your H is so wrong here.  Get to some counseling but your H is making it clear about his priorities and they're not acceptable. 

I'd also be really frustrated with the concept of "Emma is going to college soon," because that implication can mean that your joint household expenses are going towards the education of someone who wants nothing to do with you.  And while I think it's jerky to say your H is not going to pay anything towards it, I'd have a hard time looking at my household expenses to include that when I'm not included when she's in the house. 

STARMOON44

Get a divorce and show yourself and your child some respect. 

flantastic

"Emma, spending time with the LW and your sibling doesn't mean you love your mom any less, and we all know that. I don't want to badmouth your mom, but I also refuse to raise a daughter who is racist. So cut this nonsense right out. We'll be eating dinner as a family tonight."

banana468

STARMOON44 said:

Get a divorce and show yourself and your child some respect. 

I don't know that this is the first step but it's a likely end-game if the H doesn't wise up.  

mrsconn23

flantastic said:

"Emma, spending time with the LW and your sibling doesn't mean you love your mom any less, and we all know that. I don't want to badmouth your mom, but I also refuse to raise a daughter who is racist. So cut this nonsense right out. We'll be eating dinner as a family tonight."

THIS THIS THIS! All day long!!  

Like seriously, WTF? 

charlotte989875

Your husband is enabling his daughter’s racism toward you and telling you not to push it. Your daughter is being taught her needs are less important than her sister and her bigoted views. 

Get therapy now, for you and your child. 

VarunaTT

I'm curious what kind of counseling failed.  

This is all nonsesnse and I don't think LW should be putting up with it.  H should be putting his foot down with his former wife. I would LOVE to hear what family court would say about nonsense like this if wife chose to push it legally.

mrsconn23

I'm curious in the ways that Emma acted out by simply being around LW and then their sibling.  Like, they couldn't breathe the same air?  Was she being disparaging or ignoring LW?  Before they were 'separated' during Emma's visits, what did LW's H do to even try to diffuse the situation and foster any sort of connection? 

Also, like, in what ways did LW try to bond with Emma? Did LW try to let Emma lead or did LW try to force something with her?  I'm not saying LW shouldn't have tried, but there's right and wrong approaches.  

I feel like there's SO much missing here.  I'm just not even sure how LW got married to H AND had a kid with him when it sounds like it was never ideal with Emma, and her mother, from the jump. Especially when we're talking about active racism on the other parent's part that has also seemingly infected the kid too. 

Ugh, the kiddo was a difficult teenager and it did feel like our lives were ran by his mood and whims sometimes, but we checked his ass even if we knew there was going to be fallout because you have to do that. 

 LW's H is spineless.  This line alone makes me want to punch him in the dick:

It seems to work since Emma has calmed down and stopped acting out like she used to, but it is lonely. 

WTF is that even? 

short+sassy

I understand the H is worried about alienating his older child.  But it's totally unacceptable to alienate his wife and younger child in the process.

He needs to get on the same page with the LW.  The dad and LW can't force Emma to like and bond with her stepmother and sister, but they can demand she treat them with respect and not treating them like they are second-class citizens in their own home.

The whole eating dinner separately is really on another level.

mrsconn23

short+sassy said:

He needs to get on the same page with the LW.  The dad and LW can't force Emma to like and bond with her stepmother and sister, but they can demand she treat them with respect and not treating them like they are second-class citizens in their own home.

Yes, my brain cannot literally wrap itself around your partner asking you to be actively disrespected in your home by inviting someone in that you can't be around because they don't want to be around you in your home and will be divisive/act out/have fits/etc. 

Acting out at 14 means rolling your eyes and being snotty or sneaking around with friends or lying to your parents regarding your whereabouts.  If you can't be in the same room with another person without going off at 14, there's a larger issue (emotionally, developmentally, etc.) and you're doing a disservice to that child by not addressing it and trying to bring them to a healthier mindset.  

A 14-year-old is a CHILD, you don't let children run you. It's OK to have 'house rules' like, "You're not going to be a disrespectful dick to your stepmom or there will be consequences."   Again, spineless AF.  

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

short+sassy said:

He needs to get on the same page with the LW.  The dad and LW can't force Emma to like and bond with her stepmother and sister, but they can demand she treat them with respect and not treating them like they are second-class citizens in their own home.

Yes, my brain cannot literally wrap itself around your partner asking you to be actively disrespected in your home by inviting someone in that you can't be around because they don't want to be around you in your home and will be divisive/act out/have fits/etc. 

Acting out at 14 means rolling your eyes and being snotty or sneaking around with friends or lying to your parents regarding your whereabouts.  If you can't be in the same room with another person without going off at 14, there's a larger issue (emotionally, developmentally, etc.) and you're doing a disservice to that child by not addressing it and trying to bring them to a healthier mindset.  

A 14-year-old is a CHILD, you don't let children run you. It's OK to have 'house rules' like, "You're not going to be a disrespectful dick to your stepmom or there will be consequences."   Again, spineless AF.  

My brother and his FI are going through this with the FI's niece.  The FI's brother is no longer with the mom of his kids and the mom is a SUPER conservative Christian who thinks all the gays are going to hell.  So she's outright said this to my brother and his FI. It's horrifying.  I haven't had the "pleasure" of meeting her yet and I think it's deliberate that we haven't been introduced. 

climbingsingle

Yikes, what a huge mess. I also feel like a big part of this is missing. How did therapy not work? How has she been acting out? And holy shit, how is your partner OK with you be treated this way? And his solution is to have you what - hide when his daughter is there? Insanity.