Divorced future inlaws

bananananner172692

My future in laws are divorced. They are both wonderful people, and actually have a very healthy friendship/co-parenting relationship. They have no issues attending events at our home when the other is there. My future father in law has a girlfriend. No one is a fan of her. She has been the source of a lot of issues that I have had to deal with firsthand...she is all about DRAMA.  She has given me entirely too much unsolicited advice with regards to planning, even as far as to tell me we couldn't secure a date because a distant relative (who got engaged 1 month before us) was planning around the same time of year. We already know we are not going to be invited to that wedding, and we are not inviting them or any of their immediate family either. (everyone thinks its just because she wants to go to 2 weddings). I just nod and say "oh that is a cool idea" and it all goes right out of the other ear..... She has always tried to be "step-mom" but will never be recognized as that by any of the children....Ok... rant over.... here is the dilemma. 


 We are planning to have his parents walk down the aisle together, and be introduced at the reception together, as they are his biological parents. She will not have any special acknowledgment at any point of the day. She will be seated by an usher (NOT IN THE FRONT ROW). she will enter the reception as a GUEST. 
I can just see now the fit "GF" will throw. I do not intend to include her in any aspect of planning. I am going to do 2 "main family tables" for reception... one for mom family and one for dad family. My future mother in law does not like her but is totally cordial and fine with being around her for her children's sake. GF has this thorn in her side and throws a fit or causes drama anytime MIL is around..... 


How do I handle this?! 

levioosa

bananananner172692 said:

My future in laws are divorced. They are both wonderful people, and actually have a very healthy friendship/co-parenting relationship. They have no issues attending events at our home when the other is there. My future father in law has a girlfriend. No one is a fan of her. She has been the source of a lot of issues that I have had to deal with firsthand...she is all about DRAMA.  She has given me entirely too much unsolicited advice with regards to planning, even as far as to tell me we couldn't secure a date because a distant relative (who got engaged 1 month before us) was planning around the same time of year. We already know we are not going to be invited to that wedding, and we are not inviting them or any of their immediate family either. (everyone thinks its just because she wants to go to 2 weddings). I just nod and say "oh that is a cool idea" and it all goes right out of the other ear..... She has always tried to be "step-mom" but will never be recognized as that by any of the children....Ok... rant over.... here is the dilemma. 


 We are planning to have his parents walk down the aisle together, and be introduced at the reception together, as they are his biological parents. She will not have any special acknowledgment at any point of the day. She will be seated by an usher (NOT IN THE FRONT ROW). she will enter the reception as a GUEST. 
I can just see now the fit "GF" will throw. I do not intend to include her in any aspect of planning. I am going to do 2 "main family tables" for reception... one for mom family and one for dad family. My future mother in law does not like her but is totally cordial and fine with being around her for her children's sake. GF has this thorn in her side and throws a fit or causes drama anytime MIL is around..... 


How do I handle this?! 

So the big thing that does stand out to me is that she needs to be seated next to your dad. It doesn’t matter if you’re not a fan, she’s his SO. Continue to bean dip while talking about the wedding or avoid wedding conversation all together. And it sounds like you’re being a little petty. Would it be the end of the world to give her a corsage to prevent a little drama? 

As far as the tables, you could always ask your parents who they want to sit with. Maybe your parents want to sit with some family friends. It doesn’t have to be family only tables. Then you can avoid drama too. 

banana468

bananananner172692 said:

My future in laws are divorced. They are both wonderful people, and actually have a very healthy friendship/co-parenting relationship. They have no issues attending events at our home when the other is there. My future father in law has a girlfriend. No one is a fan of her. She has been the source of a lot of issues that I have had to deal with firsthand...she is all about DRAMA.  She has given me entirely too much unsolicited advice with regards to planning, even as far as to tell me we couldn't secure a date because a distant relative (who got engaged 1 month before us) was planning around the same time of year. We already know we are not going to be invited to that wedding, and we are not inviting them or any of their immediate family either. (everyone thinks its just because she wants to go to 2 weddings). I just nod and say "oh that is a cool idea" and it all goes right out of the other ear..... She has always tried to be "step-mom" but will never be recognized as that by any of the children....Ok... rant over.... here is the dilemma. 


 We are planning to have his parents walk down the aisle together, and be introduced at the reception together, as they are his biological parents. She will not have any special acknowledgment at any point of the day. She will be seated by an usher (NOT IN THE FRONT ROW). she will enter the reception as a GUEST. 
I can just see now the fit "GF" will throw. I do not intend to include her in any aspect of planning. I am going to do 2 "main family tables" for reception... one for mom family and one for dad family. My future mother in law does not like her but is totally cordial and fine with being around her for her children's sake. GF has this thorn in her side and throws a fit or causes drama anytime MIL is around..... 


How do I handle this?! 

I think you're inviting trouble with what you propose and for someone who is wanting to avoid drama what you're planning is about the best way to get it:
1) First bolded.  Please don't do this.  They're not married and the only time if ever that they walk together your FI should be between them.  Presenting them as if they're married so they're forced to walk together is not appropriate and will be awkward.

2) She needs to be seated next your FFIL for the ceremony.

3) If FIL is announced at the reception then he is escorted by her.

4) Seat her with FFIL at the reception at a table that isn't FMIL's table.  Ideally put your family table between them as a buffer plus it fosters discussion.

But please don't go out of your way to make it clear that she's not welcome.  She'll notice, FFIL will notice and if your FFIL is a good partner, he'll call you out on the bad moves.   

mrsconn23

First of all, CONGRATS and good luck in your planning.  Secondly, pain points during planning come up for everyone and they are so frustrating to deal with. 

Here's my advice, don't die on every hill.  I would seat her with FIL, during the ceremony, even if it's in the front row, and during the reception.  Couples should sit together.  She is his partner, for better or worse, and should be given that respect since FIL did choose her.   

No, she doesn't get an introduction at the reception or a mention in the program (if those are even a thing anymore?  I'm old). 

As far as her behavior, I would not recommend you handle any part of this conversation, but FI should talk to his dad and basically tell him in the best way he knows how and without it becoming a bigger issue than it needs to be that GF needs to 'behave' and if she causes any sorts of scenes, they'll be asked to leave.  I'd hope, as a grown-ass adult who lives in the world and has hopefully been to other major events that require some sort of formality, that she can be chill for a night and just enjoy a party and a free meal.

However, if she's out on the dancefloor after the cake has been cut and special dances are done, and is making an ass of herself doing the cha-cha slide during macarena or is trying to shake her booty all over the floor and pull attention, just let it be.  Also, you can tell your photog you don't need 500 pics of her even if she is trying to pull focus. 

And as an old married lady, I will tell you that you'll be too busy to screw with her on your wedding day and if she tries with you, you can walk away and/or have your new H direct her over to FIL and make her his problem, as she should be.  

VarunaTT

Man, you're really making some not-subtle choices to dig at this woman.  IDC whether you like her or not, ya'll are purposefully setting out to make some drama.

The above advice is right, but I think you need to take a hella hard look at how y'all are treating this woman, b/c maybe you are ALL the problem here.

ETA:  I totally thought this was our @banana468 and was like, Why TF have you lost your mind?!?!

climbingsingle

bananananner172692 said:

My future in laws are divorced. They are both wonderful people, and actually have a very healthy friendship/co-parenting relationship. They have no issues attending events at our home when the other is there. My future father in law has a girlfriend. No one is a fan of her. She has been the source of a lot of issues that I have had to deal with firsthand...she is all about DRAMA.  She has given me entirely too much unsolicited advice with regards to planning, even as far as to tell me we couldn't secure a date because a distant relative (who got engaged 1 month before us) was planning around the same time of year. We already know we are not going to be invited to that wedding, and we are not inviting them or any of their immediate family either. (everyone thinks its just because she wants to go to 2 weddings). I just nod and say "oh that is a cool idea" and it all goes right out of the other ear..... She has always tried to be "step-mom" but will never be recognized as that by any of the children....Ok... rant over.... here is the dilemma. 


 We are planning to have his parents walk down the aisle together, and be introduced at the reception together, as they are his biological parents. She will not have any special acknowledgment at any point of the day. She will be seated by an usher (NOT IN THE FRONT ROW). she will enter the reception as a GUEST. 
I can just see now the fit "GF" will throw. I do not intend to include her in any aspect of planning. I am going to do 2 "main family tables" for reception... one for mom family and one for dad family. My future mother in law does not like her but is totally cordial and fine with being around her for her children's sake. GF has this thorn in her side and throws a fit or causes drama anytime MIL is around..... 


How do I handle this?! 

It really seems like you're going out of your way to slight her, which...why? This isn't even your step mom it's your soon to be FIL's girlfriend. I really don't understand your intense animosity towards this woman. 

How you handle it is simple. Your FI should be asking his parents how they want to walk down the aisle, and how they want to be introduced into the reception. Why are you making this decision for them? They are not married any longer, and your future FIL has a partner. 

The girlfriend needs to be seated with your your future FIL at the ceremony, along with at the reception. The fact that you're considering otherwise is bonkers. 

mrsconn23

Also, her enthusiasm or seeming overinvolvement may come from a place of insecurity.  I'm sure it's hard to find your place in these situations.  It doesn't sound like she's coming from a place of malice, but trying to fit into your H's family and is unsure of how that works.  And, she may be your other MIL one day, so it's best to find a way to find common ground with her and forge some sort of relationship, even if it is surface-level.  

bananananner172692

banana468 My biggest concern is that she has gone to such lengths to sabotage the relationship between  FI so many times (numerous people have witnessed this and told her that she is being inappropriate including FFIL) , and has even gone to lengths that have put me in harms way a few times. I am not talking about "oh we just don't like her". She is not a nice person. I too, worry that I am being petty, but this is the dilemma that I am trying to resolve in the way that FI and I are most comfortable with.

- OK maybe the ceremony idea is something I can budge on. She can sit next to FFIL and seated by an usher. 

-to clarify- she will be at the same table as FFIL, and FMIL will be at another table/ sorry if I wasn’t clear on it!

FMIL and FFIL have been asked by FI how they would like to walk down the aisle, and be introduced at the wedding, and they both asked if they could be introduced together, and walk together. 

mrsconn23, thank you for your kind words and thoughtful insight. If everyone knew the nitty gritty details, I think they might have some different thoughts, but I am not here to air all of the laundry.  If I really wanted to be Petty- I would 86 her from the guest list entirely. 

Your comment"  I'd hope, as a grown-ass adult who lives in the world and has hopefully been to other major events that require some sort of formality, that she can be chill for a night and just enjoy a party and a free meal." Is my biggest concern. She has shown numerous times that she is completely incapable. We were at a family wedding (FMIL Brother) where FMIL and FFIL were invited. GF got so intoxicated and threw a fit that FMIL was AT HER OWN BROTHERS WEDDING AND TRIED TO DEMAND SHE LEAVE. It got so bad the FMIL left her own brothers wedding after dinner to keep peace. 

bananananner172692

Also- thank you everyone for your input- I truly appreciate it, sometimes an outsider telling your idea is “out there” helps to put things into a different perspective, and makes me realize “don’t die on every hill” is very important. This hill is a very painful one though!! 

bananananner172692

Also Also- I was having technical issues and don’t know why this posted a bunch of times! Yikes!

climbingsingle

We can only comment and give advice based on the details that are provided upfront. 

And listen, I get it. My ex-MIL was a nightmare. She even demanded to be invited to my brother's wedding, and once my mom relented, somehow managed to make it all about her. 

I think your best move here is to just be as gracious as you can. Because separating her from FFIL will just her more ammo, so to speak. 

VarunaTT

I looked back through and one thing not mentioned, is that you can talk to a close family friend or someone else not involved with the actual wedding stuff that you trust, to basically keep an eye on her and deal with anything that starts to happen that gets out of control.  Not a "throw her out" type thing, but "Hey, if she starts arguing with someone, intervene and change the subject" stuffs.

banana468

The other thing you can do is address the bartending staff and alert them to a problem drinker.  The fact that she's dating the FOG puts her in an easy to spot position.   Let them know that they can expect to need to watch her in case they suspect she's over served. 


Othewise, often being nice is the best course here. 

MissKittyDanger

My inlaws are separated.

MIL walked my husband down the aisle.
She sat with SFIL

FIL and SMIL sat together. We had all the parents - including my mum - sit together at the front and they arranged themselves.

Not putting you FFIL and spouse together - regardless if she starts drama or not - is asking for trouble.