Wedding Woes

Take him at his word and go get you some.

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been married for almost 30 years; my husband has never really wanted sex. He recently hurt himself and as a result, we haven’t had sex since August. He was released for all activities last week after recovering from surgery, yet he still hasn’t attempted to be intimate in any way. I’m tired of feeling like something is deeply wrong with me—being rejected so frequently for so many years has done a number on my self-esteem. Should we try an open marriage, or do I leave him? I don’t know what to do at this point. He said “ok” when I brought up the idea of an open marriage. He claims he just wants me to be happy. I feel like he does love me and I love him, but I can’t keep doing it, or not “doing it” so to speak. I feel like that part of me is dying and it makes me sad.

— Wanting to Be Wanted

Re: Take him at his word and go get you some.

  • He might have said "ok" in the moment but might see you going elsewhere as a betrayal.  There are other things that you can try first before turning to others.  That being said ... I totally get what that would do for self-esteem if a partner doesn't want you.  Especially a guy, since society has this stupid idea that men are the ones that want it all the time, so when a man doesn't want it it feels like it can't be him and must be you.  
    And it doubly pisses me off because not that long ago it was the flip side - women were seen as the ones who want it all the time and men were the ones who didn't.  So clearly it isn't across sex/gender divides, it changes by the individual!  But that is my little mini rant about that.  

  • Have you tried talking to each other?

    An open marriage might be the right solution here, but polyamory only works with a lot of honest and vulnerable conversations. It doesn't sound like the relationship is there. 
  • Have you tried talking to each other?

    An open marriage might be the right solution here, but polyamory only works with a lot of honest and vulnerable conversations. It doesn't sound like the relationship is there. 
    It does need to be a series of discussions and not just about open marriage.

    TBH, even if the H is 100% fine with and supports his wife having sex with other people, it's not really fixing one of the core problems.  The LW wants to feel desired by her H and she doesn't.  It's possible/probable he would be like that with anyone.  Perhaps he has a very low libido or is asexual.  But I don't think the LW being desired by other people would solve most of the underlying problem.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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