Wedding Woes

You need a new job for your own mental health.

Dear Prudence,

My kids’ school district and daycare closed due to snow. I had to call off to my employer because I had no childcare. I don’t typically call out. Maybe less than seven times in a five-year tenure. My husband makes more than double what I do and cannot miss work. He is a one-man band so missing work for him is not possible as he is the breadwinner.

My manager shamed me for calling out. She started grilling me with questions and giving me parenting advice that I do not need. She questioned me like I was in an interrogation, mostly to make sure there were no holes in my story, asking why I don’t have a backup plan. Everyone is snowed in so all sitters are unavailable. I’m pretty sure she sent someone to check our driveway to see if my story adds up. I can’t prove it. The company has about 75 employees. I get it, having someone call out is inconvenient. But the stress and fear that it puts on me are far worse. Can she do that? What do I do to cope with this guilt? I get paid well and looking for a new job is tedious. Telling her how I feel is not an option if I want to keep my career.

—Snowed In Stress

Re: You need a new job for your own mental health.

  • You can't have it both ways and as tedious as it is to look for a new job you can't stay stuck in the old one either. 
  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    This is insane.  Find a new job.  And even though he's the breadwinner, your H can never take a turn dealing with the kids when something unexpected happens?  Do neither of your employers give pto?!
  • You can’t change your environment if you’re not willing to either talk to her or leave for another job. If you have an HR department you can talk to them about how she treated you but that’s a pretty tedious process as well. 
  • Sounds like there should be an HR department for the "can" she do that question.

    Otherwise, you are letting her make you feel guilty.  Choose to stop feeling guilty, over and over.  You made the decision that was correct for you and your family.  Work can bite your entire ass about this one decision.  Continue with your job and performance as usual.  It doesn't sound like this happens all that often, so just throw off the guilt, it's your manager's issue, not yours.
  • Next time, tell her you have diarrhea. 

    But yeah, it's probably time to look for a new job. 
  • Ugh, it's frustrating that some employers are like that.  For as much as I complain about my job, they are very flexible about people taking time off even if it is last minute.

    But I probably wouldn't look for another job either since this is a rare occurrence, unless there are other things they are unhappy about.

    There was a local horror story a few years ago about something like this.  There was a tropical storm and the streets were flooded.  A woman's boss told her that if she didn't come to work, she would be fired.  But the problem with flood waters is you can't tell how deep the water is.  She accidentally drove into a canal and drowned.

    I know there have been a few times where I have started to drive into work on an extra rain day and then had to turn around and go back home because of street flooding.  Though I don't drive near canals to get to work and am more worried about effing up my car.  I email my boss what happened and go in later, when the rain subsides.

    That's how it should be.  No one should be in dangerous driving conditions just for their job.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • First of all, as we've seen in the past...whatever, you can't make anyone feel shame.  Ask all the MAGA fuckfaces.  They operate without shame and own their shit.  So don't let your manager make you feel shame when you literally did what was best for you.  You don't have to answer questions and her feedback was definitely over the line regarding how you conduct your personal life. 

    Your manager's reaction was over the top and totally ridic.  It's likely not 'illegal' (due to our BS employment laws), but it sounds like your work environment is totally toxic.  You think your manager sent someone by your house to 'check up' on the situation?  Why would you think that?  It sounds completely bonkers.  I don't think it's outside the realm of possibility, but if you think that's happening, why isn't there you-sized hole in the door?  How can you ever trust anyone if this how things are ran?? 

    It sounds like LW's H is self-employed or something.  Thy mention him being a 'one man band'.  But still, he can never-ever take off?   Maybe he needs a new job too? 

    Embrace the tedious, brush off the resume, and find somewhere that won't make you scared to take an unexpected day off for fear of your job stalking you and your manager 'shaming' you for it.  
  • Dealing with work pressures and parenting hurdles can be a real juggle, right? Your manager's reaction seems a bit harsh, and I'm sorry you had to go through that.
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