Start by trying to say 'hi' to them?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I live on the first floor of a three-family house that is split into three apartments. Two girls around our age (mid-late 20s) live on the second floor. One girl has a boyfriend who comes over frequently, and very often (probably every other day) they have screaming fights so loud that we can often hear bits of what they’re saying through the ceiling/floor (she often expresses that the boyfriend doesn’t listen, needs therapy, doesn’t do anything right). Sometimes this is followed by vigorous sex; other times it’s followed by loud sobbing. Sometimes during the fights we also hear thumps/thuds but it’s hard to tell if those noises are violent or if they’re just stomping/normal moving-around sounds that seem louder since they’re above us. It’s mildly disruptive to us, but we’re also concerned about the girl given the amount of screaming/crying/thudding.

We don’t know them personally as we moved in not long ago and are super COVID-cautious, whereas upstairs often hosts large, loud parties where someone is always coughing, so not only are they strangers but we’re not actually sure which one is in the relationship. It feels like maybe it’s not our place to be like, “hey, are you okay? We hear a lot of troubling stuff downstairs!” and I don’t want to embarrass her. Furthermore, for all we know SHE could be the problem and the one possibly throwing things around/acting unreasonably. But it’s also a LOT of yelling and it seems like a bad relationship to be in, and it also feels wrong to let it happen if something really is going wrong. What’s the right thing to do here?

— Downstairs Dilemma

banana468

I had a neighbor I shared a bedroom wall with who would have loud sex in a squeaky bed followed by loud fights.  I swear they did it backwards (and maybe doing it backwards lead to the fights but I digress...)

Anyway what I did was put a box of chocolates on the door with a note saying welcome to the building, I think the walls in the building are thin and could they try to keep it down at night?   In their instance I never feared for the safety of anything other than an innerspring but it was often as I was trying to sleep so I was literally kept awake by it.  I'd try something like that?

charlotte989875

We once had neighbors that had massive, violent fights. We called the police a few times. When they moved out their stuff was in the hall and we left pamphlets for the domestic violence organization I worked for in their things. 

short+sassy

I'll call the police if I hear clear physical abuse.  Or especially egregious loud noises for a long period of time.

But they would be overstepping to have a heart-to-heart conversation with this woman they barely know about the unhealthy relationship she is in.

However, what they can and should bring up with the neighbors is the noise.

I would also ask the house's owner if there is anything that can be done to mitigate the noise, though that will be limited.  If the upstairs isn't carpeted, a few thick throw rugs can help.

Depending on how small the noises are that they can hear, I'd also be concerned if proper fire mitigation techniques were used between the floors.  They definitely shouldn't be able to hear normal speaking.  Yelling, maybe.  But probably not so much that they understand the conversation.

MyNameIsNot

If you really think it's violence, call the police. Although they usually don't do shit anyway.

Go to the landlord with the noise complaints, especially loud parties. 

CharmedPam

charlotte989875 said:

We once had neighbors that had massive, violent fights. We called the police a few times. When they moved out their stuff was in the hall and we left pamphlets for the domestic violence organization I worked for in their things. 

This.  Pamphlets like this at the door.  Oops.  Maybe someone just dropped them?