My wife is too empathetic and I can't with her.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My wife is a sweet, happy extrovert who wears her heart on her sleeve and is wonderfully, warmly, and utterly exhaustingly empathetic. She gets goosebumps if I don’t dress warmly on a cold day, limps if I stub my toe, and feels everything. Me … not so much. She recently found out that a friend has stage-two cancer, and I am bracing myself for daily, agonizing updates, like the emotion fest when her brother was sick, or her friend broke a leg, or the neighbor’s cat died, etc. I don’t want to suggest that I don’t care, but I am not interested in maundering over problems I cannot solve and find the agonizing and emotional outbursts a little self-indulgent and very, very tiresome. I need a script for shutting down all feelings, or at least deflecting, diverting, or redirecting them.

— Overwhelmed by Empathy

banana468

"Sweetie, with your friend in this situation I know this hurts you.  But hurting and worrying is like being in a rocking chair - it gives you something to do and doesn't get you anywhere.  Why don't you talk to your friend and see if there are things that you can do to use your loving energy to help?  Maybe a food delivery system can be great or even if you go with your friend to appointments or help with cleaning?" 

levioosa

I literally could not. 

VarunaTT

This isn't empathy, it's martyrdom and AWish.  She's making it about her and not the person who is suffering and that's gross.

I don't think I would've made it to marriage with someone like this, so I really have no advice.  I don't think I could be very nice, TBH.  

levioosa

LWs wife kind of reminds me of MIL. She genuinely cares but it is so. extra. I’ve literally seen the woman cry over spilled milk because she felt bad for the milk being wasted. She internalizes everything. A long time ago I told H not to tell her upsetting things because it would throw her into a funk for days and weeks. He finally realized it and only tells her nice things now which helps a lot. A few months ago she invited her daughters for brunch and not me (I was fine with this) and then she became so upset she didn’t invite me she cried and called SIL A and H and then a month later when we saw each other next she apologized and almost cried again because she thought I would be sad and left out (I was, indeed, not). Now does she need a lot of therapy and probably medication? Yes. But I don’t think she’s being a martyr or AWish. She’s just a very fragile person who honestly does need kid gloves. But there is no fucking way I could be married to that. 

Casadena

I agree with Varuna 100%. It's obnoxious. 

And very much reminds me of my MIL. I have STORIES man. But I don't need to blast her here, i think you all know she drives me batty. Let's just say having a MIL like this and a very ill child? It's over the top, it's irritating, and it's not helpful. I'm struggling to have sympathy for LW's partner and fully understand how incredibly exhausting it is to be around someone like this. 

VarunaTT

levioosa said:

LWs wife kind of reminds me of MIL. She genuinely cares but it is so. extra. I’ve literally seen the woman cry over spilled milk because she felt bad for the milk being wasted. She internalizes everything. A long time ago I told H not to tell her upsetting things because it would throw her into a funk for days and weeks. He finally realized it and only tells her nice things now which helps a lot. A few months ago she invited her daughters for brunch and not me (I was fine with this) and then she became so upset she didn’t invite me she cried and called SIL A and H and then a month later when we saw each other next she apologized and almost cried again because she thought I would be sad and left out (I was, indeed, not). Now does she need a lot of therapy and probably medication? Yes. But I don’t think she’s being a martyr or AWish. She’s just a very fragile person who honestly does need kid gloves. But there is no fucking way I could be married to that. 

What you're describing and what LW described are 2 different things.  ^This is all internalized and her actions upsetting her.

What LW is describing is, "Very serious problem for another person...that my wife takes into herself and now has to be dealt with in some manner".  Not the same thing, to me anyway.

levioosa

VarunaTT said:

levioosa said:

LWs wife kind of reminds me of MIL. She genuinely cares but it is so. extra. I’ve literally seen the woman cry over spilled milk because she felt bad for the milk being wasted. She internalizes everything. A long time ago I told H not to tell her upsetting things because it would throw her into a funk for days and weeks. He finally realized it and only tells her nice things now which helps a lot. A few months ago she invited her daughters for brunch and not me (I was fine with this) and then she became so upset she didn’t invite me she cried and called SIL A and H and then a month later when we saw each other next she apologized and almost cried again because she thought I would be sad and left out (I was, indeed, not). Now does she need a lot of therapy and probably medication? Yes. But I don’t think she’s being a martyr or AWish. She’s just a very fragile person who honestly does need kid gloves. But there is no fucking way I could be married to that. 

What you're describing and what LW described are 2 different things.  ^This is all internalized and her actions upsetting her.

What LW is describing is, "Very serious problem for another person...that my wife takes into herself and now has to be dealt with in some manner".  Not the same thing, to me anyway.

Oh definitely. But it still reminded me of MIL. She also can’t hear about any one else’s hardships because she gets so upset. The internalizing goes both with her actions and other people’s actions. I was even concerned having our parents meet together for the first time after my dad’s stroke because I was worried she would be really upset seeing him. But it is what it is. 

ETA: she’s not manipulative, which I think becomes the biggest difference with individuals usually like this. She’s just…fragile. 

charlotte989875

If she’s purposefully doing this- then it’s manipulative and I’d be more forceful in shutting it down. 

But if she thinks she’s genuinely feeling this too then that feels like a mental health things. 

MissKittyDanger

There's a level of empathy and this is not it.

LW should suggest spouse in therapy to deal with the emotions. Maybe there's something else happening because yes it seems a bit extensive.

mrsconn23

We need empathic and deeply feeling people in the world.  It does help off-set the people who either don't have the capacity OR have been so calloused that they can't open themselves up.  But to walk around a raw, open nerve all the time that downloads everything everyone else is feeling or that happens to them, and then wanting upload it onto your partner is not sustainable.  If she's really this highly sensitive, then LW needs to suggest therapy.  Especially since LW has come to dread these types of events happening in their lives. 

climbingsingle

Has she always been like this? Is this something that's gotten worse over time?? And if that's the case, why haven't you realized that this is most likely a mental health issue and that she needs to speak to someone?? 

I'm annoyed by this LW. Like, clearly something is wrong with his wife. Help her. You are her partner. 

CharmedPam

climbingsingle said:

Has she always been like this? Is this something that's gotten worse over time?? And if that's the case, why haven't you realized that this is most likely a mental health issue and that she needs to speak to someone?? 

I'm annoyed by this LW. Like, clearly something is wrong with his wife. Help her. You are her partner. 

Naw, I’ll just write to an advise columnist 

climbingsingle

CharmedPam said:

climbingsingle said:

Has she always been like this? Is this something that's gotten worse over time?? And if that's the case, why haven't you realized that this is most likely a mental health issue and that she needs to speak to someone?? 

I'm annoyed by this LW. Like, clearly something is wrong with his wife. Help her. You are her partner. 

Naw, I’ll just write to an advise columnist 

Right! Totally reasonable solution instead of actually doing something!

ei34

climbingsingle said:

Has she always been like this? Is this something that's gotten worse over time?? And if that's the case, why haven't you realized that this is most likely a mental health issue and that she needs to speak to someone?? 

I'm annoyed by this LW. Like, clearly something is wrong with his wife. Help her. You are her partner. 

Teeny devil’s advocate stance- maybe LW has tried? It’s easy to recognize when your spouse needs help, easy to look up therapists that take your insurance and schedule sessions, but you can’t force another adult into counseling. 

^at least in general.  I'm with you that in this specific case it doesn’t sound like LW has researched counseling at all, at least for themselves, since they’re asking for a script.  Just wanted to be the voice for the spouses who recognized a problem, tried (and eventually failed).

climbingsingle

ei34 said:

climbingsingle said:

Has she always been like this? Is this something that's gotten worse over time?? And if that's the case, why haven't you realized that this is most likely a mental health issue and that she needs to speak to someone?? 

I'm annoyed by this LW. Like, clearly something is wrong with his wife. Help her. You are her partner. 

Teeny devil’s advocate stance- maybe LW has tried? It’s easy to recognize when your spouse needs help, easy to look up therapists that take your insurance and schedule sessions, but you can’t force another adult into counseling. 

^at least in general.  I'm with you that in this specific case it doesn’t sound like LW has researched counseling at all, at least for themselves, since they’re asking for a script.  Just wanted to be the voice for the spouses who recognized a problem, tried (and eventually failed).

Oh, of course. Totally agree. You can't force anyone to get help. But yeah, you'd think if LW had tried that, they would have mentioned it. 

I tried countless times to get exH into therapy, grief counseling, all of it. He would never agree.