Prudie Day

ei34

How's everyone?  I'm trodding along. Will comment below.  Wishing everyone a good day!

ei34

My dad is having a small surgery today.  It's outpatient, my parents are expecting it to go well.  But days 2-9 of the recovery are supposed to be rough, so I'm trying to make myself available. 
Youngest sister shared with my other sister and me last night that her H is entering a 28-day inpatient facility today.  I might have mentioned that he (and my nephew) were in a car accident in November.  Apparently he was prescribed a painkiller that he's since become addicted to.  My sis said things have gotten bad and she's hoping that these next four weeks really help him.  Asking for all the vibes / prayers / good thoughts please.

I feel bad bc he's definitely not seemed himself the last few holidays and gatherings.  Although he's skipped more than half, the handful of times I've seen him he wasn't his usual self.  She has seemed harried and stressed but I chalked it up to having a 2.5yo and a 14-mo-old and a full time job and a life.  But I've quickly transitioned into trying to be the explainer to my sister, my parents (and at some point my brother when she decides to tell him, he's the king of sharing his two cents and is beyond judgy so she's waiting for the right time to tell him).  They're upset she didn't say something sooner, but I tried to explain that some people try to exhaust every option "in house" before being ready to mention to family outside the home.  Not making this about me but I did remind them that it was years before I started sharing a lot of the stbxh stuff.  She's thankfully already accepted my offer to watch her kiddies Friday afternoon/evening and on Sunday for a few hours so she can have some time to run kid-free errands.  When your kids are so young you really need that time.  I'll do some cooking for her too.  But besides childcare and meals and being a nonjudgmental listening ear does anyone have tips to help someone in her place?  

banana468

ei34 said:

My dad is having a small surgery today.  It's outpatient, my parents are expecting it to go well.  But days 2-9 of the recovery are supposed to be rough, so I'm trying to make myself available. 
Youngest sister shared with my other sister and me last night that her H is entering a 28-day inpatient facility today.  I might have mentioned that he (and my nephew) were in a car accident in November.  Apparently he was prescribed a painkiller that he's since become addicted to.  My sis said things have gotten bad and she's hoping that these next four weeks really help him.  Asking for all the vibes / prayers / good thoughts please.

I feel bad bc he's definitely not seemed himself the last few holidays and gatherings.  Although he's skipped more than half, the handful of times I've seen him he wasn't his usual self.  She has seemed harried and stressed but I chalked it up to having a 2.5yo and a 14-mo-old and a full time job and a life.  But I've quickly transitioned into trying to be the explainer to my sister, my parents (and at some point my brother when she decides to tell him, he's the king of sharing his two cents and is beyond judgy so she's waiting for the right time to tell him).  They're upset she didn't say something sooner, but I tried to explain that some people try to exhaust every option "in house" before being ready to mention to family outside the home.  Not making this about me but I did remind them that it was years before I started sharing a lot of the stbxh stuff.  She's thankfully already accepted my offer to watch her kiddies Friday afternoon/evening and on Sunday for a few hours so she can have some time to run kid-free errands.  When your kids are so young you really need that time.  I'll do some cooking for her too.  But besides childcare and meals and being a nonjudgmental listening ear does anyone have tips to help someone in her place?  

You're such a good sister @ei34

Am I also seeing correctly that he's developed an addiction from an accident that happened 4 mo ago?  That isn't exactly a huge time for your sister to deal and process it and for your BIL too.  Even if it's a year and change it really isn't surprising as we all exit the pandemic and are trying to figure out what normal is.  If he's going of his own free will then he's admitting that he needs the professional help to deal with it and it's not like your sister just picked him up from jail and brought him back in the house. 

Is SHE seeing a therapist or getting help?  In many houses where the addiction is present I've seen more people who talk about the need for their own therapy especially since she's now taking on the additional burden.  I'm thinking that is the other thing you may want to offer for childcare if she can find either a meeting or someone trained to be her personal sounding board.  Being an understanding sibling is great but sometimes you need the non family to talk to.  We're dealing with that with Chiquita right now who is seeing a therapist to work through her anxiety.  It isn't that DH and I aren't always there for her but I also acknowledge that I'm "not old I'm middle aged" and may not always be the person she feels comfortable opening up to.

mrsconn23

((hugs)) @ei34.  You're an amazing sister.  I'm sure the cousin time will be good for all the kids too.  I think cooking for her and helping her when you can (don't forget to not overextend yourself either) and then also being a non-judgmental ear for her.  Also, being the 'explainer' for her is super helpful so she's not repeating herself and you can deflect some of the questions/upset of others from reaching her.  I'm hoping treatment helps him and they can navigate his misuse disorder successfully.  Has she considered Nar-Anon?  Maybe there are online options, since meetings in person could be hard for her?

T+P's for your dad and hoping for a successful surgery and that recovery isn't too difficult. 

SSDD around here.  I'm currently building new cars online because we're likely replacing my car this summer and probably getting a brand-new one.  

DefConn stayed at FIL's last night.  We went for a walk and out to dinner. I did not like what I ordered and they were kind enough to take it off the bill. 

Still waiting for the answer to DH's counter-offer. Blerg. 

Prudie coming up.  

VarunaTT

I'm in a weird mood.  I think I'm struggling through a disassociation episode, which is always kinda hard for me to knock out of.  It takes awhile, unfortunately.  I have to do a reset this weekend again, which is exhausting (I read a statement, "I don't have another day 1 in me" and it's living in my head rent-free right now to be examined from angles), but as one friend reminds me, "You're not starting over again, you're starting from your last save point with more knowledge and experience of the mission ahead."  I keep reminding myself that the last years of my life have put a lot on my plate and just b/c I have left toxic environments, doesn't mean the survival techniques I came up with go away as fast as those environments did.

I think everything you've already listed is amazing @ei34.  Is there something you guys have always enjoyed doing together?  She might be craving some normalcy too, where she doesn't have to think/focus/talk about her husband's addication.  Maybe invite her out to dinner or a movie or mani/pedi just to enjoy herself.

climbingsingle

@ei34 sending lots of good healing vibes for your dad. My dad had hernia surgery last week and unfortunately he's been setting his recovery back because he keeps trying to do stuff around the house. My mom has had to watch him like a hawk. 

And also, you're really such a great sister. I'm sure the support you're able to give her is making such a huge difference. 

Mostly SSDD here. Have some meetings later that I'm of course stressing about. It's also freezing today (and was flurrying last night). But I had such a great time hanging out with my nephew yesterday, and had a great dinner w/ my mom.  

short+sassy

@ei34, good luck to your dad for his surgery.  I'm sorry to hear about your BIL!  On the plus side, it's great he is seeing and acknowledging he needs help so quickly.  I hope the inpatient facility helps him overcome his addiction.  Childcare, meals, and a non-judgmental listening ear sounds like a lot of valuable help in what your sister will need.  Maybe once your dad has fully recovered, your mom would be willing to babysit all the kids while you take her out to do something fun and relaxing that's just for her.

My H and I decided that if a new roof on that rental property would allow us to justify raising the asking price by $10K, we will do it.  Though, I don't think it will.  If it doesn't, we won't.   And tentatively plan to sell it sometime early next year.  There are a couple perks to waiting.  I refinanced this house a little over two years ago.  But there is a 3-year prepayment penalty that would add about $3K to my closing costs.  If I wait until after late Jan. 2024, I'll have held the loan long enough that the prepayment penalty drops off.  If I still own this house while I'm trying to buy our new home, the rental income will be included in my total income.

The gambles are the insurance situation gets worse which would add to my costs and devalue the property more.  But nine more insurers are coming into this area next month, so hopefully that situation gets better.

Casadena

@ei34 i'm so sorry to hear about your sister and her family. Good for them both for recognizing the problem and tacking it even though the circumstances are tough. You're doing everything i think you can to be a good sister, i'm glad they have you to lean on a little!

Casadena

Mom is here today hanging with the boys (just the 2 little ones, lol) and it seems to be going well, i'm not hearing too much crying or fighting - so yay!

I picked up stuff to fill a veggie tray for the weekend because G told me the other day "Mom, I LOVE snap peas and carrots, they are my favorite. I mean, I dont' eat them becuase they're yucky, but I LOVE them." Toddler translator says "I love using them to scoop dip and hummus". But he's touching them and almost eating them so i count it as a win. 

I have a couple things i'm super close to finishing for work and just want to be done with them. I also have some trainings that are due tomorrow that i'm going to listen to while i read the rest of Prudie. #priorities

charlotte989875

Oh @ei34 that’s so hard! Especially with really little ones. I’d say cooking, babysitting is great; I’d also say just being there with her and the kids would help. When I’m overwhelmed sometimes I just want someone else there with me and M- not to do anything specially but just to make me feel I’m not alone. All the hugs and support!!

short+sassy

Casadena said:

Mom is here today hanging with the boys (just the 2 little ones, lol) and it seems to be going well, i'm not hearing too much crying or fighting - so yay!

I picked up stuff to fill a veggie tray for the weekend because G told me the other day "Mom, I LOVE snap peas and carrots, they are my favorite. I mean, I dont' eat them becuase they're yucky, but I LOVE them." Toddler translator says "I love using them to scoop dip and hummus". But he's touching them and almost eating them so i count it as a win. 

I have a couple things i'm super close to finishing for work and just want to be done with them. I also have some trainings that are due tomorrow that i'm going to listen to while i read the rest of Prudie. #priorities

I happened to be visiting my hometown when my niece tried a carrot dipped in ranch, for the first time.

She was around 2 years old.  First, she held the carrot for a couple minutes and looked at it puzzled and unsure.  We were encouraging her to try it.  She finally put it in her mouth.  Her eyes widened with excitement and she had a big smile when she pulled the carrot back out.  She hadn't eaten any of it, but had sucked away all the ranch dressing, lol.  Then she went to dip the carrot again but, fortunately, my sister was fast enough to stop her.

Casadena

short+sassy said:

Casadena said:

Mom is here today hanging with the boys (just the 2 little ones, lol) and it seems to be going well, i'm not hearing too much crying or fighting - so yay!

I picked up stuff to fill a veggie tray for the weekend because G told me the other day "Mom, I LOVE snap peas and carrots, they are my favorite. I mean, I dont' eat them becuase they're yucky, but I LOVE them." Toddler translator says "I love using them to scoop dip and hummus". But he's touching them and almost eating them so i count it as a win. 

I have a couple things i'm super close to finishing for work and just want to be done with them. I also have some trainings that are due tomorrow that i'm going to listen to while i read the rest of Prudie. #priorities

I happened to be visiting my hometown when my niece tried a carrot dipped in ranch, for the first time.

She was around 2 years old.  First, she held the carrot for a couple minutes and looked at it puzzled and unsure.  We were encouraging her to try it.  She finally put it in her mouth.  Her eyes widened with excitement and she had a big smile when she pulled the carrot back out.  She hadn't eaten any of it, but had sucked away all the ranch dressing, lol.  Then she went to dip the carrot again but, fortunately, my sister was fast enough to stop her.

Hahaha, yup - G ALWAYS gets his own dipping cup for this exact reason

CharmedPam

I just want to go on the record and say veggies are stoopid.
@ei34 that’s a lot for sis to take in.  And I remember during my divorce how many were miffed because I never told them what was going on.  Because it’s personal! And I didn’t need judgey people judging.  So I get it.  4 months isn’t a long time to process either. Good luck to all!

SSDD for me.  Game night tonight so I’m going to stop by Costco to see if my lcoal one has this viral chocolate peanut butter pie tikttok is going crazy for. If not, they’ll have my snack contribution somewhere. 

Someone came into the office sick, and sits next to me.  We are very remote friendly here for stuff like that.  Why? Why come in and spread it just because your kids are home for spring break and you need out of the house? Haven’t we learned yet?
nope.

MissKittyDanger

Casadena said:

I picked up stuff to fill a veggie tray for the weekend because G told me the other day "Mom, I LOVE snap peas and carrots, they are my favorite. I mean, I dont' eat them becuase they're yucky, but I LOVE them." Toddler translator says "I love using them to scoop dip and hummus". But he's touching them and almost eating them so i count it as a win. 

Absolutely lmao!

If you watched BK you'd think she's a picky eater, but sometimes her putting it in her mouth once or even twice, is better than nothing.

Kids are usually pro dip lol

short+sassy

MissKittyDanger said:

Casadena said:

I picked up stuff to fill a veggie tray for the weekend because G told me the other day "Mom, I LOVE snap peas and carrots, they are my favorite. I mean, I dont' eat them becuase they're yucky, but I LOVE them." Toddler translator says "I love using them to scoop dip and hummus". But he's touching them and almost eating them so i count it as a win. 

Absolutely lmao!

If you watched BK you'd think she's a picky eater, but sometimes her putting it in her mouth once or even twice, is better than nothing.

Kids are usually pro dip lol

So are adults, lol.

ILoveBeachMusic

I've been doing house stuff today, recovering from grandkids visit and trip to VA. All the beds are remade and other laundry is started. 

@ei34 I hope your Dad's surgery goes well. That is a lot for your sister. Good for them to identify the problem so quickly. I think you are being a great sister. I agree maybe a day/evening out just the two of you once your Mom can watch the kids.

levioosa

@ei34 I hope your dad’s surgery goes well and he has a quick and easy recovery! I’m so sorry to hear about BIL. You sound like you are being a great supportive sister and are doing what you can. Also I agree, four months is such a short time for that all yo happen. Hopefully with such early intervention that will make a big difference. 

Jen4948

@ei34 good luck to you and your dad. Best wishes for his recovery.

MissKittyDanger

short+sassy said:

Casadena said:

Mom is here today hanging with the boys (just the 2 little ones, lol) and it seems to be going well, i'm not hearing too much crying or fighting - so yay!

I picked up stuff to fill a veggie tray for the weekend because G told me the other day "Mom, I LOVE snap peas and carrots, they are my favorite. I mean, I dont' eat them becuase they're yucky, but I LOVE them." Toddler translator says "I love using them to scoop dip and hummus". But he's touching them and almost eating them so i count it as a win. 

I have a couple things i'm super close to finishing for work and just want to be done with them. I also have some trainings that are due tomorrow that i'm going to listen to while i read the rest of Prudie. #priorities

I happened to be visiting my hometown when my niece tried a carrot dipped in ranch, for the first time.

She was around 2 years old.  First, she held the carrot for a couple minutes and looked at it puzzled and unsure.  We were encouraging her to try it.  She finally put it in her mouth.  Her eyes widened with excitement and she had a big smile when she pulled the carrot back out.  She hadn't eaten any of it, but had sucked away all the ranch dressing, lol.  Then she went to dip the carrot again but, fortunately, my sister was fast enough to stop her.

Give your sister heads up, this doesnt end.

BK has eaten the dip and not touched her other stuff. Or she finishes other stuff and finishes dip {she gets her own dip spot because she is still a dip-lick-dip }

missJeanLouise

DS won't eat a dip. Not even ketchup.

@ei34 good luck to your dad and BIL.

Casadena

@ei34 or maybe a cousin slumber party at grandma and grandpas and you two can have a night in together? Ordering food and watching junk TV and just hanging out together with no other responsibilities. That's something I would really appreciate!

short+sassy

MissKittyDanger said:

short+sassy said:

I happened to be visiting my hometown when my niece tried a carrot dipped in ranch, for the first time.

She was around 2 years old.  First, she held the carrot for a couple minutes and looked at it puzzled and unsure.  We were encouraging her to try it.  She finally put it in her mouth.  Her eyes widened with excitement and she had a big smile when she pulled the carrot back out.  She hadn't eaten any of it, but had sucked away all the ranch dressing, lol.  Then she went to dip the carrot again but, fortunately, my sister was fast enough to stop her.

Give your sister heads up, this doesnt end.

BK has eaten the dip and not touched her other stuff. Or she finishes other stuff and finishes dip {she gets her own dip spot because she is still a dip-lick-dip }

That was a long time ago and my sister survived the food whims of small children.

That niece is a teenager now who is not a picky eater and likes her veggies and fruit. Even without dip, lol.