Skip the shower and go at another time to visit your niece.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My sister has suffered a lot in life, including the loss of her first two children. But she basically suffocated her daughter, “Kira.” Kira was chaperoned everywhere, had a 9 p.m. curfew well into college, and was expected to call her mother every day. Predictably, Kira chose to get her masters at a school on the opposite coast and hasn’t visited home since. Kira went overseas for a conference and ended up falling in love with a native. She planned to immigrate there. Kira didn’t tell her mother for six months and pretended to still be in the States. She did accidentally tell me and begged me to keep her confidence. I did but I told Kira she needed to tell her mom sooner rather than later. When she did, my sister hit the roof. The mother/daughter fight to end all fights. Eventually, they reconciled, the romance fizzled out, and Kira moved home.

This all happened several years ago. Kira has married and is expecting her first baby. Her relationship with her mother is better. Somehow it came out that I knew Kira was living overseas and I didn’t tell my sister. So now my sister is furious with me. Utterly enraged. She calls it the worst kind of betrayal and says she can never trust me again. She acts like I abandoned her daughter in a back-alley brothel instead keeping a secret for an adult woman. I have already apologized. Twice. I am supposed to visit for Kira’s baby shower. I know my sister and I will get into it, if she continues like this. Any suggestions?

— Secret Keeper

VarunaTT

I'd ask Kira what she wants me to do, b/c the shower is about/for her and go from there.  If Kira wants her there, come up with a management plan with the host of the shower.  If not, be gracious about it and make plans for another time. 

I can't imagine this is the first time these two siblings have had a go at it with a personality like this.

Casadena

@VarunaTT suggestion is exactly what i would do as well

banana468

VarunaTT said:

I'd ask Kira what she wants me to do, b/c the shower is about/for her and go from there.  If Kira wants her there, come up with a management plan with the host of the shower.  If not, be gracious about it and make plans for another time. 

I can't imagine this is the first time these two siblings have had a go at it with a personality like this.

Ditto - for this talk to the niece and figure out what she wants you to do.  Be the gracious understanding aunt because Kira needs an adult who is understanding in her life. 

charlotte989875

First- talk to Kira and see what she wants you to do. 

But Second- say you’re doing to get into it if your sister keeps going like this- well it takes two people to get into and you can choose not to argue with her. If she criticizes you you don’t have to engage. A “I’m sorry we don’t see eye to eye on this but I’m not going to fight with you on your daughter’s shower, so I’m going over there now” is all you need to say. Just because she wants a fight doesn’t mean you have to give her one. 

short+sassy

Well now that we understand more of Kira's childhood, we know why she became obsessed with a horse game and isn't sensitive to her friends' feelings.

mrsconn23

short+sassy said:

Well now that we understand more of Kira's childhood, we know why she became obsessed with a horse game and isn't sensitive to her friends' feelings.

*ded*  I noticed the matching names after I posted both. 

charlotte989875 said:

But Second- say you’re doing to get into it if your sister keeps going like this- well it takes two people to get into and you can choose not to argue with her. If she criticizes you you don’t have to engage. A “I’m sorry we don’t see eye to eye on this but I’m not going to fight with you on your daughter’s shower, so I’m going over there now” is all you need to say. Just because she wants a fight doesn’t mean you have to give her one. 

This is why I say for LW to skip the shower and celebrate Kira's baby another time.  If LW cannot shutdown/disengage around her sister (even at a public celebration for someone else), then sister's presence trumps LW's 'right' to be at the shower since it's sister's child and grandchild (presuming Kira wants her mom there).  

If the order of events and whatnot are true, sister is utterly ridiculous.  But this isn't about that now, IMO.  LW should take the high road if they know their behavior may contribute in ruining this event/time for Kira because they can't squash it for a few hours to have the focus be on the person of honor. 

CharmedPam

Is Kira that popular of a name to fake use? Lol

anyway, I’m opposite. I say LW goes and celebrates her niece with all her loved ones.  This isn’t about LW and sister on that day. Ignore sister and be with neice, which they obviously have a close relationship to since she told her that secret years ago. 

banana468

CharmedPam said:

Is Kira that popular of a name to fake use? Lol

anyway, I’m opposite. I say LW goes and celebrates her niece with all her loved ones.  This isn’t about LW and sister on that day. Ignore sister and be with neice, which they obviously have a close relationship to since she told her that secret years ago. 

I think the biggest issue is whether or not sis is knowing for making a  scene.  If there's a feeling of known volatility then I think showing up can be foolish if you know that your presence may make the sister explode.