The 'no drama' boat set sail a long time ago.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My son is graduating from college in less than two months. This is a very happily anticipated occasion that his family has looked forward to for years.

The problem? My parents cannot stand my son’s father, who will also be attending the festivities. Son’s dad and I separated a couple of years ago due to his extensive infidelity and abusive behavior. My parents have since made it well known that they detest the man and refuse to ever set eyes on him again. (They have threatened to have massive coronary events if they ever do.)

My son and I love his father and want him at graduation. What can I do to ease the tension, and if possible, make everyone feel comfortable and focus on the true reason for the day—celebrating the success of our wonderful young man?

— No Drama on Graduation

CharmedPam

LW and family get prime seating up front and Dad can arrive later, sit in the back and leave early. I don’t even know him, but he’s an asshole.

charlotte989875

The best thing about leaving awful partners behind is you can stop covering for them and protecting them. Your son is graduating from college so he likely understands the situation. If he wants to take a few pictures with his dad at the ceremony that’s a great time to walk around and get some coffee. 

Don’t take on the role of figuring out his ticket, or dinner or whatever. Focus on your son and be happy you’re not with that ansshole anymore. 

banana468

CharmedPam said:

LW and family get prime seating up front and Dad can arrive later, sit in the back and leave early. I don’t even know him, but he’s an asshole.

I have to disagree even if dad is the AH.  Unless the grandparents are in a financial position of saying that somehow this is their cost, etc then the LW needs to be clear, "You don't need to like him but he'll be there and if you can't be civil then you should not go." 

Also, this young adult is likely to have upcoming other life events.  The grandparents' tone is asking the kid to pick between his parent and grandparents and that's not an ultimatum the young adult deserves.  

I'm certainly not condoning abuse or infidelity.  But if the LW is saying he's an invited person here then the grandparents need to decide what they can control and it's not the guest list. 

short+sassy

I'm sad for the LW that she included herself in still loving that man and they've been separated for two years, but no mention of divorcing.

But that is not the question, I digressed.

She needs to tell her parents in no uncertain terms that they will avoid the father as much as possible, but will be polite to him.  Because this event is about their GRANDSON.  Not their hurt and anger over how this man treated their daughter.  The only person they would be hurting is their grandson.  He is the important person for this event and he understandably wants his father there.

If they do not think they can do this, then they can stay home and take their grandson out to a dinner celebration at another time.

mrsconn23

If the parents are really this dramatic and threatening and can't see past their own hatred for their grandson's dad to consider this event isn't about them, then it's a wonder that LW ended up with an abusive partner. /s  I'm sure this isn't the first time for these types of histrionics from LW's mom and dad.  I wonder if they need to travel with their own fainting couch.  But I digress...

I'm in @banana468's camp.  They need to sit down and STFU through their grandson's graduation.  If they can't say anything nice to ex-SIL (which I totally understand) then they say nothing at all. This isn't 'their day'.  And yes, they need to figure this out now or they may find themselves out in the cold because this is the start of many life events where they may have to breathe the same air as this guy. 

LW's feelings of love towards their ex are a whole other issue, but if LW, ex, and their son are copacetic (even if it's dysfunctional) and share space then that is what matters. 

STARMOON44

Don’t invite the grandparents. 

banana468

I'm also going to add that I think the grandparents' actions are likely to end in the opposite result of what they intend and I think you're onto something @mrsconn23 with the grandparents' behavior. 

climbingsingle

Another vote for not inviting the grandparents. The focus on the day should be the LW's son, and that's it. 

MyNameIsNot

Mom and dad, Joey has decided to invite his father. This is about him, not about you or me. If you can't be polite and respect Joey's wishes, you can watch the zoom feed from home. 

ei34

Ooof this one's hard.  Maybe the grandparents have taken the LW and son in when it wasn't safe to be around exH, maybe they've had to pick up the pieces, maybe their own plans and schedules have been uprooted when LW's ex created a last-minute crisis, maybe LW and the son have missed important family events bc exH wouldn't let them go...maybe they're frustrated that LW still loves him?  There's not enough detail so we can't know. 
I will say that I agree with the consensus ^ that exH has a place at the son's graduation, since son wants him there.  Hard disagree with insinuations that the LW's parents are part of the reason LW ended up with an abusive partner.  That'd be like blaming LW for being abused.  It's healthiest when the actual abuser is looked at as the problem, not the victim, the victim's parents, etc.   
(And obviously, yes, I'm projecting a bit here.  Though my parents and entire family have also been put through the ringer they are still civil to stbxh.  Have offered to drive him to the kids' events (his new apt is ten minutes from them), my mom sent him a birthday gift, etc.  Are hoping he will come to the twins' Communion next month, etc.  They would also bow out if he pulled a "it's them or me!" instead of throwing a hissy fit.)

banana468

@ei34 the reason I see a bit of it is the concept that the parents are threatening major coronary events and refusing to set eyes on him.

It's melodramatic and not productive to anyone if the dad has any kind of presence in their lives.   And if they think that those comments and ultimatums are acceptable to issue to their child then my concern is that there can be a learned pattern of behavior for the LW especially if the parents are aware of this, the wishes of their daughter and grandson and still have no issue with creating an ultimatum in an event that is not theirs. 

mrsconn23

ei34 said:

Ooof this one's hard.  Maybe the grandparents have taken the LW and son in when it wasn't safe to be around exH, maybe they've had to pick up the pieces, maybe their own plans and schedules have been uprooted when LW's ex created a last-minute crisis, maybe LW and the son have missed important family events bc exH wouldn't let them go...maybe they're frustrated that LW still loves him?  There's not enough detail so we can't know. 
I will say that I agree with the consensus ^ that exH has a place at the son's graduation, since son wants him there.  Hard disagree with insinuations that the LW's parents are part of the reason LW ended up with an abusive partner.  That'd be like blaming LW for being abused.  It's healthiest when the actual abuser is looked at as the problem, not the victim, the victim's parents, etc.   
(And obviously, yes, I'm projecting a bit here.  Though my parents and entire family have also been put through the ringer they are still civil to stbxh.  Have offered to drive him to the kids' events (his new apt is ten minutes from them), my mom sent him a birthday gift, etc.  Are hoping he will come to the twins' Communion next month, etc.  They would also bow out if he pulled a "it's them or me!" instead of throwing a hissy fit.)

I'm sorry my take was upsetting, and I was being mostly sarcastic, but that's not an excuse. 

I do believe the blame here lies with the abusive ex for being abusive to LW.  I also believe the parents are being awful to LW as well about all of this.  They are putting their grandson, and also LW, in an impossible situation.  Furthermore, being over the top and threatening that you will die if you set eyes on someone and basically asking LW and grandson to choose them over his dad is at the least, emotionally manipulative and at worst, abusive as well. 

If they've been like this LW's entire life, then that's just...not good for anyone. I have a friend who's mom is kind of like LW's parents and she's unpacking some of the relationships she's been in and can draw the connection between bad behavior she's put up with from partners and correlating it to her relationship with her mom.  

Jen4948

There's a lot of background we don't know, but I think that a father takes priority over grandparents if that's what the child in question wants. I wouldn't invite the grandparents under the circumstances. I would tell them, "I'm fully aware of how you feel about X, but he is Son's father and Son wants to invite them. Given your tendency to issue threats about your health when the prospect of you two and he having to occupy the same space comes up, I have to make the painful decision to not invite you two to Son's graduation or any of his future big events. The person who gets hurt by your threats isn't X or me, but Son, because he's caught in the middle between people he loves. At his special events, that's the last thing he needs."