My dad used to have all the time for me and now he has none.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

For a long time, it was just my father and me against the world. Then he met “Kaye” and her many kids. At first, I was very happy that my father found someone. After my mother died, it seemed like he would never be happy again. Kaye was fine. There was no overwhelming bond between us, and it would be silly to expect that—I was 17 when they married. Now, I am 24 and I feel like an orphan. My father and I used to talk every week and have long conversations about everything under the sun. Now I am lucky if I get a return phone call in five minutes. Kaye and my father are basically raising her oldest son’s two kids since he won’t. I understand the situation is complex and chaotic, but I still need my father. The last time I visited, I couldn’t even pull him away for a walk in the park. There was always a more pressing demand for his time and attention, and we ended up having a big fight about it. What’s worse, I decided to drive home early and left a note on the fridge. My father didn’t notice until the next day that I had even left. I do not know what to do. Please can you help me?

— Half an Orphan

CharmedPam

I think this kinda stuff just naturally happens with aging kids? Amiright? 

banana468

CharmedPam said:

I think this kinda stuff just naturally happens with aging kids? Amiright? 

I think if it takes a day for the dad to realize that his kid isn't there that is not normal at all.

Some of this is what the LW needs to accept.  IMO you're right that at 24 you also need to learn some independence. 

But if I went home to visit my parents and they didn't realize I was gone until a day later that means that something is off.  

My only advice to the LW is to have a frank call with the dad and start seeing a therapist.  LW needs to learn to function maybe without the daily calls but there's going to need to be a balance with Dad's time.    It sounds like because Dad's step son is the absent parent he's assuming a parenting role with his step grandchildren but in turn he's now acting like the step son to his own kid. 

charlotte989875

Some of this is on the Dad, some of this LW needs to chill about. Dad returning a call 5 minutes later- damn sometimes my mom just forgets to cal me back and it’s okay. Dad not realizing LW left for a day? Yah that’s pretty bad. 

Tell your dad you need to have a real talk with him. Lay out how you’re feeling but recognize things naturally change and evolve. He needs to make time for you but it might not always be exactly how and when you want it. 

mrsconn23

Dead moms causing life complications is the theme today.  I think the truth of this all lies in the middle. 

LW does need to 'grow up' a little and be more independent.  However, on the other hand, LW was the sole focus of their father's life and had unlimited access to his time for 17 years, and now he has a large family and is essentially raising a second round of kids.  I can see how LW feels 'replaced' by the new wife and raising the grandkids, plus the fact that she came along with 'several' kids of her own.  

Dad has found a new partner and with that a full life that came with a large family.  It makes me wonder if feeling needed fulfills him in a way.  LW doesn't say how long it was just them and their father after their mother's death.  

I think LW needs to try to explain how this is all making them feel, using many, many "I" statements.  But also, some of this may be better worked out in therapy.  I do wonder how their mother's death was handled by their dad and family and what kind of support LW had.  

It's possible the dad noticed LW had left, but it took him that long to acknowledge it to them because he was hurt or frustrated that they had fought before they left and/or that LW left without saying anything.  Also, LW could have been more mature and said, "This situation is upsetting me and I think I need to leave," instead of just taking off without a word. 

I can understand both sides here.  It's definitely a rock and a hard place for both of them.