I'd be hesitant to plan a group trip with the dropouts ever again.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I recently attended a trip with a group of long-time friends where one person (not me) put down their credit card to pay for a shared house that the entire group agreed to occupy for a long weekend away. The day before the trip was slated to begin, we received a text that one friend had an unexpected work commitment and would not attend. Then we find out someone else’s childcare fell through and they were also not attending. Fast-forward after the weekend, when it comes time to settle up on shared expenses. Those who dropped out assumed the rest of the group would cover their share of the (already expensive) weekend house, while those who attended asked that everyone pay the amount we each agreed to when booking. Those who dropped out finally (after tense text exchanges) agreed to pay, but there’s clearly bad feelings all around. One friend explained that there is a “friendship tax” that we (the attendees) were expected to pay to avoid ruffling feathers (of the dropouts), and I’m uncomfortable with the idea that I would need to pay several hundred dollars more for a trip than expected just to smooth over a friendship.

We are a group of old friends now in our 30s with sometimes unexpected work, family, and life responsibilities, but I feel strongly (myself a mother of two) that if we said we’ll pay, we pay. Otherwise those who attend risk getting stuck paying more than they bargained for. What’s the right way to move on from the general “ick” everyone in the group is feeling after the disagreement so we can enjoy group trips in the future? Or are we better off calling off travel altogether?

— Frugal but Friendly

CharmedPam

When you book a non refundable hotel, you pay upfront and of you fail to go, the hotel keeps your money.  That’s life.  I’ve been there. And that’s what should have happened with the person who paid.  Maybe even collect money before putting it all on one card?

mrsconn23

The first mistake here was definitely not collecting money upfront from everyone.  You usually have to prepay vacation homes before showing up.  But that is moot here. 

However, since the dropouts literally thought the cost was going to be shifted to the people who went and then were upset when they were told to pony up, I'd be hesitant to plan anything else with them where it's a group cost.  If you want to do a hotel where everyone books their own room, have at it.  But a shared house situation?  Yeah, no. 

Also, how many group trips are you doing with these people??  

Furthermore, 'friendship tax' is stealing a fry or two off your friend's plate when you ordered a salad, not being out several hundred dollars for their last minute cancellation.  

banana468

I'd be really clear if something comes up again. "Guys last time things weren't clear and it lead to hurt feelings.  I think we need to agree to pay up in advance because we all budgeted for this and did not account for the last minute cancelations that increased the cost." 

In no other arrangement can you cancel at the last minute without a financial hit and IMO it's absolutely horrible to treat friends that way with the assumption that they'll just absorb your share. 

charlotte989875

Make different arrangements next time (individual hotel rooms, refundable deposit) or pay upfront. Be really clear what the plan is if someone has to back out. 

But let this situation go. The dropouts paid, don’t hang on to this forever. 

STARMOON44

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

I recently attended a trip with a group of long-time friends where one person (not me) put down their credit card to pay for a shared house that the entire group agreed to occupy for a long weekend away. The day before the trip was slated to begin, we received a text that one friend had an unexpected work commitment and would not attend. Then we find out someone else’s childcare fell through and they were also not attending. Fast-forward after the weekend, when it comes time to settle up on shared expenses. Those who dropped out assumed the rest of the group would cover their share of the (already expensive) weekend house, while those who attended asked that everyone pay the amount we each agreed to when booking. Those who dropped out finally (after tense text exchanges) agreed to pay, but there’s clearly bad feelings all around. One friend explained that there is a “friendship tax” that we (the attendees) were expected to pay to avoid ruffling feathers (of the dropouts), and I’m uncomfortable with the idea that I would need to pay several hundred dollars more for a trip than expected just to smooth over a friendship.

We are a group of old friends now in our 30s with sometimes unexpected work, family, and life responsibilities, but I feel strongly (myself a mother of two) that if we said we’ll pay, we pay. Otherwise those who attend risk getting stuck paying more than they bargained for. What’s the right way to move on from the general “ick” everyone in the group is feeling after the disagreement so we can enjoy group trips in the future? Or are we better off calling off travel altogether?

— Frugal but Friendly

First off always collect payment in advance. But k would never travel with these people again. 

short+sassy

PAYMENT UP FRONT.  ALWAYS.

It's already unfair someone put all the money up front.  Money has a time value.  The entire banking industry runs on that concept.

When people have skin in the game, they will also be more careful with following through.  Otherwise, it can be a bunch of people saying, "Yeah, sounds great!  Sign me up."  And then when the time comes to pay, they start slinking away.

These people knew they were upping the cost for their other friends and didn't care.  Those aren't friends.  I realize they did finally pay, but the fact that they didn't feel they should have had to speaks volumes to me about their character.

I had this happen to me once.  I had paid for my H and I to go on a group trip.  My H had an emergency at the last minute.  The friend who was organizing it tried to get 1-2 people to fill in so she could return some/all of my money.  She couldn't.  It was a bummer for me.  But I totally understood.  And if I hadn't already paid her, I still would have.  Because the only person who should have to suffer financially for a change in plans, is the person whose plans changed!

banana468

This has happened a few times with Chiquita's GS troop and it's infuriating for her troop leader.  But it's also why she's taking the tone now that when things are being paid for that she expects $ up front especially when it's a $/PP and not something that can be spread out like one girl not eating dinner that night.   It's making us instill in our kids the concept that you cannot change your   mind at the last minute without consequence. 

ei34

I don't think I'd book something with those two friends again, not because they bowed out, but bc they assumed everyone else would absorb their cost.  When life gets in the way and a trip gets canceled last minute, it's going to cost you financially.  The two friends, trying to avoid the financial hit, have hurt friendships instead.

MyNameIsNot

This reminds me that my mom still owes me for her % of a house that I booked for us for a wedding in May. 

But this is bullshit from the flakes. They knew full well that they were backing out too late for cancellations. Assuming their friends assume their portion is absurd. I would really question my friendship with someone who thought that was ok. 

levioosa

There is absolutely no way if I had to cancel a trip last minute I would leave my friends holding the bag. That would honestly be enough for me to end the friendship or at least to no longer pursue it. 

Jen4948

It's one thing to have to drop out of a group trip or project at the last minute, but expecting those who are left to absorb your cost is entitled. "Friendship tax" doesn't apply to a big expense like this. I would stop including those two dropouts in my plans after this.