Stop looking for their validation.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have cousins who receive almost all the attention from my grandparents. One cousin is at a prestigious university right now, on scholarship for football, and has an internship on Wall Street. The other is a highly-rated high school basketball player. I haven’t been blessed with those talents athletically, but I am making my own path to success. I am in college, and I will be graduating in May. Then, I will go to graduate school.

No matter what I do, though, I never seem to receive the same level of attention and respect as my cousins. My grandparents might talk about my successes for a few minutes, but then move on and talk about my cousins for the rest of the time. I am happy for my cousins and want them to be successful, but it hurts me knowing it feels like my accomplishments and successes are going underappreciated. This has happened my entire life. How do I tell my grandparents this without causing heated arguments?

— Unappreciated in the Midwest

banana468

Leave it alone.  It doesn't mean that the grandparents are doing something that isn't favoring the other kids but instead, what about talking to your parents if they are in the picture?  

My guess is that this is a continuation of the favoritism that the grandparents have shown the parent of those grandchildren and unfortunately there's not much that you can do.  Also know that lack of fawning doesn't mean that they do not love you.  But favoritism is a hard pill to swallow. 

MyNameIsNot

You just have to let this go. Honestly, you're at the end of undergrad, about to start grad school. How much time are you really spending with your grandparents in situations where they are bragging about their grandchildren to others anyway? Maybe it's time to think about removing yourself from these conversations. e.g. When you're at the big family Christmas and grandma and her sister start talking about their respective grandkids, it's a good time to let them catch up and go chat with someone else. 

banana468

MyNameIsNot said:

You just have to let this go. Honestly, you're at the end of undergrad, about to start grad school. How much time are you really spending with your grandparents in situations where they are bragging about their grandchildren to others anyway? Maybe it's time to think about removing yourself from these conversations. e.g. When you're at the big family Christmas and grandma and her sister start talking about their respective grandkids, it's a good time to let them catch up and go chat with someone else. 

Considering my MIL hasn't stopped talking about BIL it doesn't end. 

MyNameIsNot

I don't think the bragging stops. I just think that as you become an adult, you see your grandparents in group situations less frequently.

mrsconn23

Ugh, I understand why this is so frustrating to LW.   I also know that we were my grandma's 'favorites' because we were the oldest grandkids, but also because my mom and grandma had a very close bond and we spent more time with her than most of my cousins because my mom's siblings are awkward and dysfunctional.  So I'm sure there were 'feelings' about that.  And the funny thing is, we liked spending time with our paternal grandmother more because she let us get away with murder.  Mom's parents were the 'strict' ones.  LOL  

Anyway, this is something LW is going to need to let go of.  Also, maybe it's time for some distance.  If you're going to Sunday dinner every week, maybe drop back to once every couple of weeks or just on a monthly basis.  Just because you can't change it, doesn't mean you need to be around it.  I'm just afraid if LW makes a stink about it, they'll be patronizing to LW or they'll be 'offended' that LW could think they don't like/love them 'enough'.  The old, "You can't change people's behavior, only your own."