Wedding Woes

You can just ignore the sulking and keep it moving.

Dear Prudence,

My father (who passed away five years ago) and I (32F) didn’t have much of a relationship. My older siblings had very traditional, caring dynamics with him. There is a large age gap between them and me, so the best I’ve ever been able to figure out is that he didn’t want to repeat the early stages of fatherhood for me. My mother also has some excuses about how there was medical trauma for both of us when I was born and my father was triggered by hospitals after some bad experiences, so he never really let himself bond with me. They divorced in my late teens. In the years between the divorce and his death, I generally saw him two to three times a year at various holiday gatherings hosted by my siblings and we either didn’t interact or made general small talk.

Since his death, my siblings hold a memorial on his death date and recognize his birthday at a holiday celebration (his birthday was on the holiday). I generally don’t make an effort to attend the memorial, especially because it’s in a busy season for me at work, but am at the holiday gathering and go along with whatever they do. This year after the memorial, my sister called me very upset that I never participated and told me it “would mean so much to Dad to know we were remembering him” and that “he was my father too, even if I’m trying to forget that.” I told her she was correct, he was my father, but there’s a big difference between being a father and being a dad. I told her that I understand and respect her need to remember him differently than I do and asked that she do the same for me. She told me I’m being dramatic and that he was dead, the least I could do is show him some love and respect. I ended the phone call, recognizing she was hurt and not going to understand things from my perspective. But we have a big family event coming up that she and I always coordinate all the food for, so I need to work closely with her and I know she will still be sulky. Any tips on how to approach this with her?

—Had a Father, Not a Dad

Re: You can just ignore the sulking and keep it moving.

  • Your relationship (or lack of one) with your father is bringing up feelings in her she’s not able to deal with Al she’s making it about you when in reality it’s about about her own feelings. That’s not on your or your responsibility to mange. 

    Ignore the sulking, offer to do whatever you normally do and keep ending the calls or walking away if she continues to dump on you. 
  • LW, if she doesn't say anything to you, but acts shitty for the upcoming event, get through it and do your food if you've already committed.  Then don't offer your services to cook, plan, host, etc. if your sister/other siblings are going to be disrespectful of your feelings and how you choose to (or don't) memorialize your dad.  

    If she starts in on you, just remind her that you're respecting how she grieves and she should do the same for you.  And then bean dip or walk away/hang up/don't respond to the topic any longer. 

    She's clearly projecting something since she's calling you dramatic for asking for respect.  And talking about what your dad would 'want'.  He's dead.  Dead people don't "want" anything. 
  • I'd either ignore the conversation happened and hope the sister gets over it, as we prepare for the big event.  But if she continues to be cold and sulky, I'd ask her to let it go for the sake of family harmony.

    The sister is 100% in the wrong.  She doesn't get to dictate how someone else grieves.  It sounds like the LW understand and is respectful of the fact that their siblings had a different relationship with their father than the LW did.  It sounds like they don't badmouth their dad or disparage the memorials the siblings have.  That's enough.  They don't have to participate/participate more heavily.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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