Dear Prudence,
My father (who passed away five years ago) and I (32F) didn’t have much of a relationship. My older siblings had very traditional, caring dynamics with him. There is a large age gap between them and me, so the best I’ve ever been able to figure out is that he didn’t want to repeat the early stages of fatherhood for me. My mother also has some excuses about how there was medical trauma for both of us when I was born and my father was triggered by hospitals after some bad experiences, so he never really let himself bond with me. They divorced in my late teens. In the years between the divorce and his death, I generally saw him two to three times a year at various holiday gatherings hosted by my siblings and we either didn’t interact or made general small talk.
Since his death, my siblings hold a memorial on his death date and recognize his birthday at a holiday celebration (his birthday was on the holiday). I generally don’t make an effort to attend the memorial, especially because it’s in a busy season for me at work, but am at the holiday gathering and go along with whatever they do. This year after the memorial, my sister called me very upset that I never participated and told me it “would mean so much to Dad to know we were remembering him” and that “he was my father too, even if I’m trying to forget that.” I told her she was correct, he was my father, but there’s a big difference between being a father and being a dad. I told her that I understand and respect her need to remember him differently than I do and asked that she do the same for me. She told me I’m being dramatic and that he was dead, the least I could do is show him some love and respect. I ended the phone call, recognizing she was hurt and not going to understand things from my perspective. But we have a big family event coming up that she and I always coordinate all the food for, so I need to work closely with her and I know she will still be sulky. Any tips on how to approach this with her?
—Had a Father, Not a Dad