This situation sucks for everyone but your brother (but it sucks for him too).

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My brother lost his wife last year and got remarried three months ago. I think he moved too fast, not so much for him, but my nieces. They are 13 and 10. Their new stepmother is a decent person from what I can tell, but my nieces violently reject her attempts at bonding. She is not their mother (which is a frequent retort). The problem is, my brother refuses to step up as the primary parent. He leaves all the day to day stuff with his new wife. Nothing is on fire yet, but that is the best I can say. My son is aged right in the middle of my nieces, so I have been taking them every weekend for the past two months. I love my nieces, but I am sick of doing the mental load for homework/art projects/dance uniforms etc., when they live three hours away. My brother is of zero help. I have asked, begged, and pleaded for him to do a check list before I come to get the girls. He promises. He forgets. He leaves everything to his new, very stressed out wife and me. I am tired of it. I am this close to either telling him to give the girls to me for good or stop the trips all together. Something needs to give.

— Running on Fumes

STARMOON44

You are the adult here and unfortunately you are the only one. Which means you need to step up and model setting reasonable boundaries instead of letting frustration build until you explode. It’s not appropriate to suggest him giving you his children. Nor do you have to take on all of this work. You can tell your nieces that they need to take a minute, think through what they might need, and pack it. You shouldn’t be taking them every weekend it’s too much for you and too disruptive for them. 

charlotte989875

The nieces are 13 and 10. The oldest is certainly old enough to remember homework and art projects and the 10 year might need some help, there can be expectations about what to bring if they’re leaving for the weekend. 

But also why are they going to your house EVERY weekend? 

You need to have a tough conversation with your brother and his wife. He is abdicating all parenting responsibilities and needs to do better. Even if the girls are rejecting his wife the solution isn’t to run to your house. 

climbingsingle

I'm also curious as to why they are going to LW's house every weekend. If there's any chance of them having a good relationship with their stepmom, that's certainly not going to help. 

short+sassy

Those poor kids!  No wonder they are acting out.  I assume the brother and/or the stepmom work during the week.  The weekend can be good quality time for the brother to spend with his daughters and start getting more used to the stepmom.  Be able to spend "fun" time with her, instead of the slog of chores and schoolwork that happens during the week.

From the girls' perspective, they are being foisted on their aunt every weekend because their dad doesn't want them at home and wants to spend time with his new wife.  That may not be the case at all, but that is probably how they are feeling.

The LW isn't doing anybody any favors and needs to stop taking the nieces every weekend.

The brother's family needs family counseling.  The daughters should have some individual therapy sessions and I hope they are getting that.  Losing their mom so young is a tough road.

VarunaTT

This is very confusing to me.  LW has inserted herself into a situation that she never should have and now is facing severe consequences.  THIS is where a boundary comes into play for her: stop inserting yourself into things that ARE NOT your business, LW and enabling bad behavior.  And based on brother's reaction, this is probably a family dynamic and he's absolutely being enabled by it...that's his problem.  LW's problem is how to stop enabling behavior.

She needs to stop taking the girls every weekend, period.  When she does take the girls, it should be for fun, not for homework and all the other stuff.  This dynamic of stepchildren, school work, and other childcare, is for him and his wife to figure out, not you.

banana468

LW needs to back out.  She's trying to be the rescuer here for the girls and I can understand that desire but with the drive that they have it's not a feasible solution.

She needs to stop now.  Set up face time on a weekend or something but it's not her job.