Stop caring if Gertie lives or dies, seriously.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My girlfriend I just moved into our first rental together, and our elderly neighbor (let’s call her “Gertie”) quickly introduced herself. She lives alone and seemed really friendly, so we imagined we’d check in on her a few times a week, offer to pick up groceries if we were going out, things like that.

Things have quickly spiraled out of control. Gertie will bang on our doors and windows, sometimes early in the morning, until we let her in. Then she’ll stay for hours at a time. If we have friends or family over, we’re suddenly hosting them plus Gertie. It’s obvious she’s lonely, I know, but we hate living here now because she won’t leave us alone. It’s like that movie “Ma” if Octavia Spencer were 40 years older.

We’d decided to take a break and not answer her (sometimes a dozen or more per day) phone calls, but my girlfriend caved when Gertie left her a voicemail. She listened to it, and it was a few garbled seconds of Gertie asking for help. I rushed over to Gertie’s place, and it turns out Gertie did need help—she cheerfully asked me if I’d go to the mailbox and collect her mail for her. We thought she was in trouble!

Our lease isn’t up for another 10 months. I don’t want to be mean to an old lady, but she’s driving us crazy. Any advice?!

— Not Her Grandson

VarunaTT

Start ignoring Gertie, at all costs.  If she's banging on your windows and doors, get the management company involved.  Change cell phone numbers or block hers so that you don't even have to hear VM.  That's not okay.

banana468

Be clear to Gertie that you want to help her but your time is yours.   I'd also be honest that you're not OK that she's crying wolf and you won't take kindly to it if she does it again.

Maybe Gertie is alone  for a reason..

short+sassy

Oh, LW.  You fell into the trap.  Been there, done that.

I'd give Gertie one warning, "We get your messages.  But sometimes we are busy and can't help you or get back to you.  DO NOT EVER bang on our door or our windows.  That is really rude and unacceptable behavior."

Then keep repeating to yourselves, "Gertie is a grown woman.  She needs to figure her own shit out.  She is not our responsibility."

But if Gertie has dementia. Sorry. All bets are off. She will have times when she is no longer rational and may not remember what you've told her.

We previously had a neighbor like that.  It started as two elderly women.  One of them developed dementia.  She would sit on her stoop in 100+ degree heat for hours and scream for the neighbor (C) across the street.  Along with massive texts and phone calls to her.  C is a really kind-hearted person and initially would go spend a bunch of time with her and beg her to go inside the house. But she couldn't understand basic things anymore and was just upset all the time.  C had to start ignoring her to save her own sanity, but then felt trapped in her house.  Because if she went outside, the neighbor would more excitedly call over to her.

My H used to help those ladies with a few basic things.  Like doing minor repairs.  Carrying the heavy items from their grocery shopping from their car into their house.  They were our friends and it was stuff we were happy to do.  The help we gave them wasn't abused, at least in the early days.  But as time went on, their physicality got worse.  Then it was dementia for the first woman.  A couple years later it was dementia for the second one.  They EXPECTED more and more help.  Not requested.  And were angry if you weren't at their beck and call.

And it's hard because you are sympathetic.  It's not their fault they are old and have both physical and then mental limitations.  You know they need help.  But that is also 100% their problem.  You're happy to help with some things.  But any help you give is a favor, so it needs to be on your terms.  That's the lesson the LW needs to learn.  It's okay to say "no" and back off of this friendship, if it has become too much of a weight for the LW and their g/f.

MyNameIsNot

Now this is the appropriate place for boundaries. Your boundaries, LW, need to be that you will not let her into your house, you will block or silence her number when she calls over and over, you will call the landlord or police if she's banging on windows, etc.