Dear Prudence,
I recently came out as trans. This went as well as can be expected. There’s just one reaction that I would really, really like some advice on.
I live in the same neighborhood as my sister, brother-in-law, and absolutely adorable 4-year-old nephew. One of the initial explanations my sister gave to him was that “Aunt (former name) is dead, and now you have an Uncle (name)!” As might be expected, he took this literally. He’s not upset because he does know I’m alive, but he is now announcing to people that he knows that his aunt is dead. I don’t blame him for this—he’s 4!
The problem is that my sister and brother-in-law think that this is hilarious. They play along with his interpretation, and encourage him to tell people. This has already had one of my coworkers come over to “check that I’m not dead,” and one of my cousins texted me to check in too. So far, nobody who’s taken it to me has been more than mildly concerned, but I don’t feel this is a good “bit” to keep encouraging. I am dreading the day that I have to explain to someone that doesn’t already know, whose reaction I won’t be sure of, that I was formerly known as his aunt, and I do not like being called dead. I’m not.
Their argument is that he’s 4, it’s cute, and we’ll laugh about it in a few years. My argument is that they, his parents, are not 4, it upsets me and confuses other people, and that my nephew, a very sweet boy, would not be happy if he was aware he was doing something that upsets me.
I’m at the point of wanting to, the next time I take him for a day trip, explain to him that someone being dead is not something to tell everyone. I think that would teach him a good social skills lesson, and potentially solve my problem without requiring a huge explanation about transphobia. My main worry is that I don’t want him to feel like any of this is his fault, and I don’t want my frustration with the situation to make him feel like I’m frustrated at him. I also wonder if they’re right, and I’m overreacting to funny kid behavior.
— Not Dead