"It's really hard to hear you be self-critical."

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

In terms of physical attributes, I (40F) am the “average” American woman—170 pounds and 5’4”, which makes me about a size 14. I have worked for many years to deprogram the messages I have received from society, family, and friends about body image and beauty standards, and have actively chosen to surround myself with people who care about who I am as a person and not what shape my body is. I am so much more than just a body—a mother! An entrepreneur! An empath! A great listener! I am happy to say that while I still struggle on occasion with feelings of inadequacy, I’ve made delicate peace with the size of my body, and I’d prefer not to dwell on conversations about how fat and thin someone is, what they are eating or not eating, and the list goes on. I’d rather talk about just about anything else!

The problem is my best friend, who is in perimenopause. We are about the same weight. She has gained some weight around her middle, and not a single conversation goes by where she doesn’t bemoan how fat she is and how she will never meet a man because of her tummy. I get that the dating world makes weight a central feature of your “value” as a person, and it sucks to have to be exposed to that regularly (and as a married woman, I’m not). I sympathize that perimenopause is a tough phase, and she wants to talk about it. She is the kindest, sweetest, most supportive person I know, and it’s maddening to hear her focus so much on her weight! These conversations send me spiraling back into a dark place where I start to think fat = all things terrible. It’s such a trap and risks undoing so much of the work I’ve done. How can I support my wonderful friend, who has never been unwilling to hear about any topic on my mind, when I just don’t want to engage in negative body talk for the sake of my own mental health and body image? It’s starting to hurt this otherwise treasured friendship.

— Change the Subject

banana468

"it's so hard to hear you like this.  Have you thought about X, Y, Z?" 

The hard part is that when going through different phases of hormonal changes some of this may be weight and also facing the reality that the body you had is gone.  And there's a mourning that you can have when you know that it may not just be weight but that things are out of your control. 

STARMOON44

“Weight is a really sensitive subject for me and I’d like us not to talk about it.” No one friendship has to be all things at all times. 

short+sassy

I think there can be a compromise.  It's understandable it's a lot of what the friend is thinking about.  Weight might be the catch-all, but they are also coming into an era of their lives that can have a lot of angst and emotion.  Perimenopause=youth is fleeting away.  It isn't, but it can feel like that.

The LW should tell her friend that she wants to be there for her.  But that the subject of weight is often too much for her to listen to, because it brings negative thoughts into her own mind.  Hopefully the friend cuts back anyway.  But it can also be the foundation for the LW to tell her friend in future conversations something like, "Let's not talk about weight for the afternoon."