Your wife needs to get a grip, like yesterday, before this gets destructive.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My wife saw an Instagram message in our 18-year-old daughter’s account that indicates that our daughter might be gay. It was not spelled out clearly. But certainly, I could see how my wife has interpreted it that way. Now, my wife is furious at our daughter for not coming to us about this. I told my wife this is not something she should be mad about. If our daughter is gay, she will come out to us when she’s good and ready. My wife does not see it that way. She feels hurt and betrayed. I told my wife that this is not like our daughter lied to us about drinking or drugs or something like that. It makes total sense to me that our daughter would talk to her peers about this before coming to us. My wife disagrees. Which one of us is right here?

—Daughter *Might* Be Gay

charlotte989875

Your wife is going to do so much damage to her relationship with your daughter if she keeps pushing this. Your wife violated her privacy by reading her DMs and now is angry about what she read. If she says something to your daughter the only way this ends is badly. 

Your wife is making this about her when it’s about your daughter. She needs to remember that. 

banana468

If this is how your wife is reacting to your daughter then it's exactly why your daughter at 18 isn't telling her everything.

Also, are you spying on her account or seeing comments made to her?  Knowing that she's 18 means she's an adult - I suggest your wife start treating her like one or this is not going to go well for your relationship at all. 

mrsconn23

I couldn't tell if it was a comment or DM.  If it's a DM, then LW's wife is spying on an adult (even if she's still in HS) and invading her privacy. Not that I think it would be right if she were still a minor, but it's even worse in my mind because daughter has reached the age of majority.

But either way, she's making massive assumptions and making this all about her. This makes me think that LW's wife is one of those insane mothers who thinks their children are an extension of them and she doesn't get to have an inner/private life that her mom doesn't know anything about. That's her problem, not their daughter's. 

I hope LW can get through to her before she sticks her foot in it big time and does long-term or irreparable damage to her relationship with their daughter and she has to lie to a landlord to make copies of keys to her daughter's apartment.  

climbingsingle

So, she's spying on your daughter and reading her messages? I think I understand why your daughter hasn't been open with you....

short+sassy

I'm glad the LW is there to keep his wife from making a huge mistake and possibly causing a lot of hurt for their daughter.  Hopefully she listens to him and has some patience.  I realize the wife is hurt, but it's not about her and she needs to remember that.

MyNameIsNot

If the daughter is gay, the wife is the reason she's not comfortable talking to you all about it. 

It's you [wife]. You're the problem.