Are you refusing to see her or just not wanting to pretend it's all hunky-dory?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My dad died when I was a baby, and I was so excited when my mom met “Dan” when I was five. Dan was amazing and ended up adopting me when I was 10. Dan’s daughter “Sue” was three years older than me and would alternate bullying me or ignoring me. She didn’t want Dan to marry my mom and especially didn’t want him to adopt me. Her mother was extremely toxic and no amount of therapy could fix that. No matter what Dan did, he could not win with Sue. Sue ended up moving with her boyfriend’s family when she was 17 and didn’t bother to contact her father unless she wanted money. Sue spent my childhood insisting I wasn’t anything to her, especially a sister.

As an adult, I can see the reasons for her behavior towards me, but it doesn’t excuse them. Sue recently got back in contact with our family. She wanted to start over. While I was happy for Dan, I had no desire to have a relationship with Sue. She expressed no remorse for her behavior towards me and blamed everything on her mother. Dan gets upset when I refer to Sue as his daughter rather than my sister. I have explained myself until I am blue in the face. I will be civil and friendly towards Sue but I don’t want a sisterly relationship with her. Both my parents are pressuring me to give Sue a chance. How do I get through to them?

banana468

"I'm not interested in a relationship with someone who acknowledges me at her convenience.  If she's ready to address this then I'm open to a dialogue." 

VarunaTT

Wow.  Sue was 13-17 when she did this to LW and had a toxic mother who at a was minimum putting Sue between her and Dan.  I'm not saying LW has to forgive her, but LW obviously needs to get some therapy b/c she has some seriously hard feelings about this. 

I actually do think Sue is deserves a second chance; people do the  best with the tools they have at the time and WTF tools did Sue have as a KID?!?!

mrsconn23

VarunaTT said:

Wow.  Sue was 13-17 when she did this to LW and had a toxic mother who at a was minimum putting Sue between her and Dan.  I'm not saying LW has to forgive her, but LW obviously needs to get some therapy b/c she has some seriously hard feelings about this. 

I actually do think Sue is deserves a second chance; people do the  best with the tools they have at the time and WTF tools did Sue have as a KID?!?!

On a good day, teenagers living in less chaotic environments or that have adults who are positive influences in their lives can still be angry assholes that say and do some mean shit.  You have a fucked up parent and are completely insecure in most aspects of life? You can be downright destructive and leave a lot of 'innocent' victims. 

I don't blame LW for being cautious, but it's kind of not cool that LW is like, "I get that this was a traumatized person who was lashing out because they were in an unstable situation when their frontal lobe was not developed and they may not have completely understood what they were doing at the time, but it's totally unforgivable."  Also, LW says there's been no 'acknowledgment' or remorse, but has LW even given Sue the chance? She may be reading that LW is closed off to her, so it's probably feeling risky to engage LW even if it is to make amends or whatever.  She may be thinking, 'why waste my breath if I'll continue to be rejected?'

charlotte989875

You don’t have to have a relationship with Sue, but Sue had a tough environment and sounds like she’s trying to make things right. Have you given her a chance to apologize; to explain why she behaves the way she did? 

What if your mom and Dan want to have her over for holidays; are you, as an adult, going to behave the same way she did, as a traumatized child, and ignore her? You have the benefit of age and perspective she didn’t have then if you choose to use it. 

short+sassy

I can see both sides.  I don't think the LW should hold grudges against Sue for how she was as a teenager, though I realize that is easier said than done.

But, at the same time, the LW's mother and Dan need to realize that the LW has NEVER had a sisterly relationship with Sue so they can't expect one to develop overnight out of whole cloth.

The LW has already said they will be civil and friendly to Sue.  Great.  That's all the parents should be asking for at this time.  Hopefully with time, their relationship with Sue will grow closer.

Although it's a different situation, my mother's husband has two sons.  Technically, I "should" call those folks my stepfather (A) and my stepbrothers.  But I don't.  I was already an adult when my mother met A.  They are all great people and I like them!  But I've never had a "parental" or "sibling" type of relationship with them.

I've never heard A call me or my sister his stepdaughter either, so I think the feeling that it would be super weird is mutual, lol.  My niece and nephew call him Grandpa A.  But that does make more sense because he's been a part of our family since years before they were born and has always had the role of "grandpa" for them.

STARMOON44

I don’t think not wanting to start a relationship as an adult with someone who has only ever been mean to you means you need therapy!