AITA for not inviting new born?

knottiea073c5cc127a3c76

a

climbingsingle

Yup, you are absolutely TA in this situation. 

First of all, your BIL & SIL don't owe you anything in regards to the timing of their pregnancy. They were nice enough to try to delay it in the first place. 
Secondly, you really feel like you'll be sharing the limelight on your wedding day with a newborn? Everyone will be gathered for your wedding. It should be an added bonus that the family gets to meet another brand new member of the family. You are completely unreasonable to not want the baby to be invited. 

I'm getting married next August. My brother and SIL will be trying for a baby within a few months. So it's likely I'll be in the same situation next year. I've assured my SIL that I will make any accommodations for her so that she and my brother AND the baby can attend. And that probably will be the first time people in the family meet the baby, and that couldn't make me happier. IMO, it adds to the joy and specialness of the day. It doesn't take away from me, or my FH, or our wedding in any way. The fact that you think you're sharing the "limelight" with a newborn baby is troubling, to say the least. 

banana468

knottiea073c5cc127a3c76 said:

My FH and I just got engaged last year. Our engagement, to put lightly, has been tough. Just after we got engaged my FH was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. By the grace of god he is now in remission. The last year we’ve been married to the hospital, treatments, missing out on vacations due to the severity of his treatments and how sick they made him. One thing that got us through was looking forward to our wedding events and celebrating us, life, and everything we just went through.

My FH SIL (FH brothers wife) told me a couple of months ago she was going to trying for kids but was waiting for summer to not interfere with wedding (live about 5 hr car drive away). They just announced they’re pregnant and are due a week before our wedding. I’m ecstatic for them but would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bummed about the timing. She said she will get induced early and plans on bringing baby. While I totally understand if she can’t make it due to a literal brand spanking new baby, I don’t think it’s appropriate the baby attends. To be honest I excepted her to want to stay back. I don’t think that it’s appropriate that the first time family will be meeting the baby will be at our wedding event that we’ve spent $XX,000 on. I do feel a little bratty saying this, but after the year we had, we were looking forward to our time now in the limelight just like every bride and groom deserves. If the baby was a couple of months old, this would be a different story, but introducing your first new born to the family at someone’s wedding doesn’t seem like a great idea to me.

I am fully aware she may not be able to attend the wedding, which we’re bummed about, but unfortunately I think it’s best for baby not to attend. My FH and I are on the same page with this. The kicker is my FH other niece and nephew (5 and 4) and my nephs (5 and 3) will be there as they’re standing as our ring bearers and flower girl.

Am I being unreasonable?

Oh boy there's so much of this that reeks of the need for brides to have lessons in the recognition pie.  I'll also repeat one of my favorite lines: Expectations are the foundations for resentment. 

It is fantastic that your FH is now in remission and you two get to celebrate your upcoming wedding but you absolutely need the reality check you're asking for here.  When you get married life doesn't get put on hold for the wedding.  Everyone else is going to have the absolute right to move forward with THEIR lives.   I'm also going to say a few things

I'm not sure why your FSIL is saying she'll be induced.  Is this for her health or she's insisting that it's just going to happen?  I don't know of many doctors that just induce for the sake of it without a medical reason.

Regardless, if FSIL is up to attending she and the baby will be one  and theoretically so will your FBIL.  I would flat out not leave a newborn in the care of anyone else and if I'm nursing then at one week old, it's simply not possible.  And it's unreasonable to then ask your FBIL to consider leaving his newly postpartum wife and newborn home.  

The reality is that your niece and nephew who will be IN your wedding are going to take far more attention and be far more of a concern than a newborn.  The newborn is going to eat, sleep, and poop constantly.  At 1 week old my son was nearly affixed to me and nursing sessions took FOREVER.  But he settled fast and at 5 weeks we attended a family wedding.  He was fantastic and halfway through the reception someone looked over and didn't even realize we had our baby with us.  That's a major contrast to my daughter who at 10 months sounded like a pterodactyl at a different family wedding or at my own wedding when a young child took a finger of frosting of our wedding cake (I thought it was cute).    

Bottom line here: You have no right to expect that all attention will be on you and only you even on your wedding day.  You're presumably a grown woman and have to get over that expectation.   You will be opening up a major family rift if you proceed with this so my advice is to let it go, and figure out things with your FSIL should the baby arrive and FSIL want to attend.  But you'll be really out of line if you make this your hill to die on and everyone will remember it unfavorably. 

To also add - if you're wanting no kids then it's always best to make it a clean line and invite in circles.  And since you're already inviting the kids of siblings it's really not OK to exclude some nieces and nephews while inviting others.

charlotte989875

Wow so you specifically want to exclude a newborn baby (and by extension it’s mother) while including the siblings and parents? There’s no situation where you’re not the AH. If you do this you should plan for the entire family to skip because you’re being horribly cruel. 

climbingsingle

And she already deleted. What a shocker. 

downtondiva

I understand that your wedding is super important and special to you after everything you and your FH have been through. A newborn baby being there, even if it's the first time the family is meeting said baby, isn't going to change that. People will still be there to celebrate you two and your love and the fact that you've reached this point. 

However, people being there to celebrate you doesn't mean they aren't allowed to talk about or be excited about other things. It's perfectly normal at weddings for family and friends to catch up on each other's lives and share news that has nothing to do with the wedding - and that could involve introducing people to someone new in their lives, such as a baby. And baby or no baby, your guests were never going to spend the entire event fussing over and talking about you and FH, so stop being hung up on having the limelight on you now, because you're gonna be disappointed otherwise.

Let your future in-laws decide what's best in terms of them attending with a newborn. Be appreciative if they decide to make the effort to be there, and be gracious and mature about it if there's a lot of fussing over the newborn. It's still your wedding, it's still your big day, and guests being excited about something else in addition to (not instead of) your getting married does not detract from that. 

MesmrEwe

Since it hasn't been mentioned - the chances of the Brother, Mom, and Newborn attending in general, in-person, even in the ideal postpartum world is going to be extremely low and at best will be just FI's Brother only.  SNS - 5 hour drive each way immediately post-partum, with new-baby visits, healing from childbirth, and no, not all doctors will induce just because she wants to go to a wedding 10 hours round trip.  It's A LOT on a new Mom that not everyone bounces back immediately PP plus the hormone changes, feeding, sleep deprivation, tailbone/pelvic healing, etc.

And what everyone else said on the rest of the YTA aspects.  

flantastic

I went to my brother's wedding with a 9 day old, a 5 hour drive away.

Was it challenging? Yes. We figured we could do it because my recoveries were typically easy (and it wasn't my first), but it was always a play-it-by-ear situation. My brother and his now-wife couldn't have been more supportive.