Classic Prudie - Yeah, no.

MNNEBride

Dear Prudie -
You know how some people are fine, absolutely unobjectionable, but you just don’t click with them? You don’t dislike them, but you don’t much like them either—you just don’t think about them much at all. That’s how I’ve always felt about my sister-in-law, “Janice.” She was kind of dull and a bit smug, but my brother loved her. I passed her the gravy at Thanksgiving and was glad I didn’t have to spend the rest of the year with her. Well, now I’m in love with her, and while it’s not directly connected, her marriage to my brother is in trouble.

STARMOON44

Poor Janice. 

MyNameIsNot

Wait, what?

CharmedPam

How did the gravy boat make its way into this story?

VarunaTT

The whole thing:

Dear Prudence,

You know how some people are fine, absolutely unobjectionable, but you just don’t click with them? You don’t dislike them, but you don’t much like them either—you just don’t think about them much at all. That’s how I’ve always felt about my sister-in-law, “Janice.” She was kind of dull and a bit smug, but my brother loved her. I passed her the gravy at Thanksgiving and was glad I didn’t have to spend the rest of the year with her. Well, now I’m in love with her, and while it’s not directly connected, her marriage to my brother is in trouble. (For the record, I doubt that Janice is my soulmate. We’re badly suited, whereas she and my brother are usually a power team-up. It’s just a whole bunch of stuff at once, and then the pandemic, that’s heightened everything. But I feel like she’s my soulmate.)

I had a really bad car accident a few years ago, lost my job, got dumped, and developed a drinking problem. When I hit rock bottom, my family was there for me, but it was Janice who stepped up the most, who let me cry on her shoulder, who drove me to my physio appointments. So now, lonely, desperate for affection, and still all banged up, I am in love. And it looks like my brother and Janice are going through something. There’s a terrible part of me, maybe 5 percent, that wants to take advantage of it. But the rest of me wants to be a good friend, a good in-law, and a good brother. I’m not sure how to navigate this without making things weird, damaging my family relationships, or possibly taking advantage of the situation to get what I want. Should I tell Janice how I feel and then distance myself? Distance myself and just look like I’m ungrateful for all her help? Pretend to be disinterested and just play the role of good brother-in-law?

VarunaTT

FULL STOP, do not pass go, do not tell anyone you're in love, and start putting some distance between the 2 of you, like never alone together, finding other rides to give her a break, etc.

The, you need to get a therapist, LW, immediately.  You seem to recognize that you're not really in love with her, so much as the caretaker dynamic has come into play.

MyNameIsNot

Thanks @VarunaTT. 

LW, you're selfish asshole. Do not do this to Janice.

CharmedPam

Even if they break up, LW, you don’t have the green light on this.

short+sassy

I know it's hard when emotions feel so strong, but they have to get their head on straight.  There is no benefit to saying anything.  They are already in a bad place in life and a confession like this will only destroy the one good thing they have in life...their great family support system.

And, for what?  A woman who probably has no romantic interest in them.  And even if she did, is someone the LW already knows is poorly suited for them.

climbingsingle

YIKES. 

kerbohl

Is LW sure something is going on between Janice and the brother, or just WANTS the marriage to be in jeopardy? I sense they see what they want to see.

short+sassy

kerbohl said:

Is LW sure something is going on between Janice and the brother, or just WANTS the marriage to be in jeopardy? I sense they see what they want to see.

Good point.  They don't even give an example of why they think that.  I don't think either the brother or Janice has said anything like that to them or they probably would have mentioned it.

It's a "Classic Prudie" and sounds like it was written during the height of the pandemic.  People's social lives were very limited.  My impression was the LW was bored and had too much time on his hands to fantasize and spin out this tragic, dramatic love story.  I think it was just an infatuation and, now that the world is more back to normal, the LW has moved on to other things and is wondering what he'd been thinking.

banana468

Also, this guy sounds terrible that he's falling in love with someone who is parent-adjacent.  She's being NICE to him.    It doesn't seem like a great foundation for a relationship with equal distribution of "work" if he's falling in love with the person who takes care of everything.