More than 4 women in the world.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

“Jenny” and I were high school sweethearts who got married at 20. We got divorced at 25 because we figured out who we were and who we weren’t. We remained friendly, especially since our families have been joined at the hip since our grandparents’ days. Jenny and I both moved on to other marriages, and since then, I got divorced and have two kids. Jenny lost her husband to cancer. It was fairly brutal, and she and my mother grew close since my dad and baby sister died of it as well.

More recently, “Alice” and I have been getting serious, but she has been balking at taking the next step. Alice has no problem with me seeing my sons’ mother socially because we co-parent, but she is fixated on how “weird” it is that Jenny is still so involved with my family. I have explained it until I am blue in the face. Jenny is basically family. We grew up together. Our families are very close. And the tragedies bonded them even closer. But Jenny and I have been divorced for over 20 years. I don’t see Jenny socially since we live in a different city. We are friends on Facebook. I love Alice, but this fixation on the past is a huge hurdle for us. What do I do here? I can’t exactly tell my mother to not speak to her best friend’s daughter ever again because the woman I want to marry has a hang up about it.

—Family Affair

flantastic

mrsconn23 said:

I can’t exactly tell my mother to not speak to her best friend’s daughter ever again because the woman I want to marry has a hang up about it.

Say at least the first part of this bit. She's a family friend in addition to and prior to being your ex. You're not going to dictate your family's friends.

climbingsingle

Oof, I can't imagine being this insecure. They were married for a few years, 20 years ago and the families are close. What's so hard to understand about that?

mrsconn23

Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't respect your family's history and close relationships, LW?   If you haven't figured out how to stop having this fight now, it won't change after marriage.  

MissKittyDanger

I feel like it's deeper than what LW may think.

Could "Alice" be envious how "Jenny" is close with the family and feel she won't have same relationship?

short+sassy

MissKittyDanger said:

I feel like it's deeper than what LW may think.

Could "Alice" be envious how "Jenny" is close with the family and feel she won't have same relationship?

That's a good point and it is unlikely Alice would ever have as close a relationship with the LW's family.  After all, they don't even live in the same area.

But still.  Sometimes that's life.  It also doesn't mean Alice and the LW's mom can't also have a great relationship. 

I'm not sure what Alice even wants.  It sounds like Jenny is already someone the LW only casually keeps in touch with.  He can't control that his mother sees her like a second daughter and nor should he try to interfere in that relationship.

Nothing about this situation is changing.  Alice needs to accept it and stop letting it block their relationship.  Or they need to break up and move on.

MyNameIsNot

MissKittyDanger said:

I feel like it's deeper than what LW may think.

Could "Alice" be envious how "Jenny" is close with the family and feel she won't have same relationship?

Then too bad. Alice is old enough to be seeing someone who is 45, so [hopefully] a mature adult. She should know by now that LW can't control the family and that a lot of factors mean you may or may not have a close relationship with the in-laws. 

If that's Alice's big issue, maybe she needs to stick to dating people whose parents are local. 

banana468

Alice is really insecure here but she isn't doing herself any favors.

CharmedPam

This immediately popped into my head

I want to play devils advocate here - and talk to Alice to get her side.  Is she seeing something that makes her jealous? LW won’t write that there’s still hangups, not if they want to look good.