Not the point, but do you clear the clutter before the cleaners come?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

How do I tackle my dying father’s anxiety about my messy house so he can visit his grandchildren before he’s gone? I have three small children (all under 9) and my messy house is full of crafts, books, laundry, and general clutter. We don’t know how much time he has left (he has a failing heart), and I would like to have him and my mom over for meals on a regular basis to visit with the kids. They are the only local and active grandparents my children have.

The issue is twofold: He is a massive clean freak who is incredibly judgmental about disorder and hygiene (likely linked to issues of control and childhood trauma), as well as having outdated views on mental health (i.e., he has no interest in counseling). Having them over causes him anxiety, and I then deal with several days of emails and calls suggesting how I can better take hold of my life and the importance of organization. Just having him over and watching him judge causes me distress, and it’s hard to feel motivated for all the effort required to bring everyone together (it’s been a year since I’ve had them over for dinner). Both me and my partner work full-time and have cleaners once a week so the place is clean, just messy and cluttered.

Visiting has fallen (rather unfairly) on my mom to host, where she cooks elaborate meals with behavioral expectations on the children which are frankly not achievable. I’m sad for them to miss out on time with the kids, and it feels like time is slipping away for the only chance my kids have at making memories with the only grandparents they will ever know. The kids struggle with behaviors at sit-down restaurants that my parents would agree to (one of our children is also neurodiverse). Any ideas on what I can do to help bring everyone together?

—Taking Grandparent Applications

banana468

If the weather improves could you go to a place that is outside and kid friendly with a take out lunch?

flantastic

Do they want to spend time with your kids? Or do they want to spend time with their idea of what your kids should be?

VarunaTT

Honestly, this sounds like a problem of imagination vs. reality.  I had to go through this with xH.  He came from a big family and had 2 siblings.  As an only child, I was really excited about the big family.  Whoo boy, those relationships were a hot mess.  I had to let go of how I thought it should be and accept it for what it was.  It's not easy, LW.  But these are your parents, you know how they are, and they're not changing for your kids.  There might not be a compromise that gets you to the imagined version.  Do the work to let it go, see it for what it is, and see if that's workable.

climbingsingle

If you have cleaners that come that often, the house can't be too dirty. Can you just take the clutter and toss it into another room/closet for when they come over? 

charlotte989875

Your dad sounds exhausting but if he truly has very little time left can you take a few hours before he comes to declutter the kitchen and living room? Have you partner take the kids for a few hours and clean. Is it annoying and frustrating? Yes. But does it also help you all spend a little more time together before that’s not an option? Also yes. 

STARMOON44

Can you set up a table outside?

short+sassy

I like a lot of the suggestions mentioned.  Especially the throwing clutter into some bins and tuck them away in another room.  Or more outdoor activities.

Or even just more activities that aren't related to being in anyone's home.

Another thought I had is if the LW and their partner could be in charge of preparing the meal and then bring it over to the parent's house.  At least that would take some of the burden off of the LW's mother.  Though still be an issue with expecting the children to behave in a way they are not capable of.

And quite frankly, while it is sad the father is dying, the visits and the memories will be what they are.  I don't see that much advantage with trying to "cram more in".  Especially since these visits sound like they have a level of unpleasantness for everyone.

MyNameIsNot

I agree with Varuna about imagination vs reality. I think this is a case where LW wants to want to spend more time with the grandparents, probably out of guilt or duty or whatever, but the reality is that it just isn't that great. 

ILoveBeachMusic

If LW has cleaners come in regularly, the house can't be that dirty! However, the clutter thing (if it is truly out of hand) can be managed. I would be interested in knowing from the parent's POV how messy things are. I mean I get itchy when I'm at my SIL's because there isn't a place to sit down (not exaggerating). and every surface is covered with stuff. My mother was a bit of a hoarder which made me crazy. I hated being in her house so she came to mine. I know kids make clutter but there is clutter and then there is CLUTTER. I do like the idea of throwing stuff in totes and putting it in another room. Also kids can be taught to pick up after themselves (to some extent) even when they are under 9.

short+sassy

ILoveBeachMusic said:

If LW has cleaners come in regularly, the house can't be that dirty! However, the clutter thing (if it is truly out of hand) can be managed. I would be interested in knowing from the parent's POV how messy things are. I mean I get itchy when I'm at my SIL's because there isn't a place to sit down (not exaggerating). and every surface is covered with stuff. My mother was a bit of a hoarder which made me crazy. I hated being in her house so she came to mine. I know kids make clutter but there is clutter and then there is CLUTTER. I do like the idea of throwing stuff in totes and putting it in another room. Also kids can be taught to pick up after themselves (to some extent) even when they are under 9.

I thought about that also. I remember being expected to pick up my toys and put them in a bin.  Those memories might even be from pre-school, but I was definitely no older than 5.

Favorite childhood memories.  When my sister was about 2 years old and I would have been 5-6, she loved to take all her puzzles and dump them out on the floor.  She'd laugh and be excited, but didn't want to put the puzzles back together.  However, I liked doing puzzles and enjoyed the extra challenge of all the pieces being mixed together.  Plus my mom would be relieved that I would clean up after my sister's mess and I was proud I could help her.

MesmrEwe

flantastic said:

Do they want to spend time with your kids? Or do they want to spend time with their idea of what your kids should be?

BINGO!!!!!!

They all have an idea in their head that the kids, Grandparents, and LW cannot ever even possibly hope of achieving.  LW wants her parents to be the grandparents that they just are not.  The fact that LW has a cleaner in says it's probably at a workable level just not show room ready home to the extent possible with kids and the parents have forgotten it's not the world of 30+ years ago when entire rooms/sections of the house were off limits to kids and used only as entertaining guests areas.