The problem with youth sports...

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My 10-year-old is really struggling with finding herself. She is artsy, clever, and funny. She loves to create art, jewelry, and slime. She loves music and makeup. She also enjoys soccer and volleyball. The problem is, she may have inherited my clumsiness and … just isn’t very sporty.

At her age, teams are getting seriously competitive, and she’s realizing she’s not as good as other kids. Now she wants to give up sports altogether. It’s made worse that her cousins and best friend are all extremely talented when it comes to sports and play for their schools and travel teams.

My question is, do I encourage her to keep trying if she truly loves sports or do I allow her to give up and quit? Her self-esteem has already taken a hit, and she compares herself to everyone constantly. Her best friend also frequently makes jabs about being better at soccer as she plays for a top travel team, and it’s hard to watch. I love her and don’t want her to give up but I also don’t want her to get beat down constantly. I want to encourage her to play for fun, but when she’s feeling and being told she’s no good, it’s not so fun. What’s the right thing to do?

—Cursed With Generational Clumsies

banana468

Have you talked to her about an activity that can replace sports? 

LW sounds like me in that as kids age the sports teams get more competitive.  So if you're not into them you need to find your "thing".  I'd consider talking to a school counselor and getting on local social media to see what other activities there are.  While our town is competitive in sports we also see kids gifted in the performing arts and visual arts.  See what may interest her so it feels like less of a competition.

We know that Chiquita will likely not play after next year but she may want to be a referee which is another outlet of not playing but being involved. 

climbingsingle

Find a new sport/activity for her. I was the same way with certain sports, but I excelled at dance and loved it. And made new friends through the dance school. 

flantastic

DH's thing for DD is that he wants her to have an activity where you work together with a team, at least for a while. That could be soccer, or softball, or dance team, or putting on a theater production. He just doesn't want all her activities to be solo pursuits. If we feel like she's not getting enough exercise if when she doesn't play sports, we'll cross that bridge then.

charlotte989875

Who is telling her she’s not good? If it’s coaches find a different, less competitive team. If it’s her friends talk with her about how to handle it instead of just listening to what this girl says. 

Maybe she’d like track or cross country running? Still a team sport, everyone gets points where ever they finish, but doesn’t generally require as much coordination. 

STARMOON44

There’s nothing wrong with quitting group sports. Talk to her about how finding an activity that involves moving your body is important and brainstorm with her what she would like that to be. 

short+sassy

I also feel like there are other alternatives here.  I'm not very familiar with kids sports, but I'm wondering if there are "less competitive, more for fun" types of leagues.

This letter really strikes a chord with me because I was that kid and probably much worse.  I was dealt some extreme disadvantages for sports.  I started kindegarten young.  Most of my peers were 6-12 months older than me, which is like light years in terms of physical development and skills at those young ages.  It engrained a hatred in me for sports for as far back as I can remember.  I was too young to understand that, so all I knew was I was a failure when it came to physical activity and nobody wanted me on their teams.  People generally don't like things they are bad at and I was no exception.

Then when we were older and done growing up.  Oh!  Look at that!  I'm shorter than 90% of the female population.  Another huge disadvantage for sports.

That's what I fear for kids like this. I have negative emotions associated with exercising and I know it stems from those childhood experiences. Especially because they really can't do anything but team sports in PE.  I've had times in my life where I've successfully fought against it and been on a great exercise habit.  But that initial visceral reaction of hate and aversion has never changed.

What I did like a lot better, but still didn't especially like, was individual sports/activities.  But I didn't experience much of that until I was in jr. high.  I liked dance, gymnastics, and tennis.  Tennis was funny.  I still had the height disadvantage, but we were all beginners.  So there wasn't too much difference between the "best" and the "worst" people, lol.

And in jr. high when we were all introduced to gymnastics.  I seriously wanted to punch my schoolmates in the face with their, "No wonder you're good at gymnastics.  You're so short."  F**K YOOUU!!!!!  Because it sucks for literally every other sport in existence.

Except for I suppose horse racing.  But they seem to frown upon including horse racing for a PE activity in public schools, lol.  

MyNameIsNot

If she enjoys them, she shouldn't quit just because she isn't great! There are less competitive teams/leagues out there! As a teenager, I used to play volleyball with a bunch of randos a few nights a week at the Y in a loosely organized rec league. There are options for kids that want to play but aren't good enough for the travel teams.

But also, the teachable moment here is how to deal with her best friend being an asshole. She needs to learn that that isn't how good friends act and how to stand up for herself. 

ILoveBeachMusic

Of my three kids (all adults now) only DD was any good at competitive sports. My sons played in less competitive leagues of baseball and basketball. DS2 now plays in an employee recreational basketball league for his company even though he wasn't great as a kid. It is a wonderful social thing for him now. Look around your community. You can probably find less competitive options for your daughter if she wants to do so .

MesmrEwe

LW - there are more than three sports in the world!!!

There are sports like Powerlifting, Olympic Lifting, Track, Swimming, Crossfit, Strongwoman, Golf, Skating, Marathons, Triathlons, Biathlon, Ballet, Dancing, etc. that are more focussed on longevity and the individual than overall team sports.  The stats show better lifetime longevity when the individual is pushing their own involvement from a young age and taught about long-term taking care of themselves physically as many of these sports the individuals do not peak until theyr'e in their late 20's/30's and even then offer Masters divisions so they can keep competing whereas those pushed will burn out in some cases even before High School when their actual physical development from puberty kicks in.  Everyone's heard the story of Jordan being cut from his High School teams - had he quit then, he would never have become the person the world knows!

Most of all, encourage her to be involved in taking charge of her own health and longevity!

banana468

I've definitely seen people opt to switch from a team sport like soccer to something like cross country/track where you're part of a team but competing individually.   

FWIW, in my town I see the kids who compete on the town teams and then the more competitive club level teams.  Even in the town level there are bronze, silver and gold level teams so you kind of get an idea on your strength in the sport if you are on a bronze team in 7th/8th grade as your likelihood of making the team in HS is lower.  

But that's also where you can look into other options, intramural teams, other sports or checking to see if you may have other interests.  It's great to encourage your kid to try new things and it's also good to help manage expectations if you know that it's likely not a great fit - especially with something like a team sport with a lot of fish in the pond.