You want Prudie to dictate the rules for your marriage?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I am a bisexual married woman. My husband is perfectly fine with me being with women, no problem. But recently, I had some light sexual play with a trans woman, and I know he wouldn’t approve. But, the person identifies as female. If I am allowed to be with women, should I be allowed to be with trans women who have penises? I can’t quite figure this out. I don’t want to be dishonest. But, I also don’t want to discriminate against trans people. Please give me advice.

—Does This Count?

banana468

I think you need to lay ground rules for what is and isn't allowed in your marriage.

And I think you need to be clear on what you need in that openness because a marriage that's not built on honesty can't survive. 

climbingsingle

This is 100% something you need to discuss with your husband ASAP. You know, instead of writing to Prudie. 

charlotte989875

You can’t hide this from your husband and expect an open marriage to work. Talk with him about what his boundaries and in an open marriage, share what your are, and work it out together. 

STARMOON44

Nope nice try. You don’t get to cheat on your husband knowingly violating the terms of your agreement and excuse your lying to him by pretending this is about trans rights. 

VarunaTT

short+sassy

Wow, LW!  So your H is already a very accommodating guy with your sexuality and allows an open marriage...sounds like just for you, not him (which is fine if that is the agreement)...but you had a sexual experience with a transwoman KNOWING your H would not approve.

This is 100% cheating and you know it.  There aren't magic loopholes to your all's agreement.

VarunaTT

I don't want to wade into this b/c this is a whole lot of bullshit for myriad of reasons.

However, just because:

They have an open marriage.

Her sexuality is not why they have an open marriage and mis-using it as the basis for it is the cause of a whole lotta problems of this bullshit mess.

ETA:  I bring this up not to call anyone out, but b/c for bi/pansexuals, there are a set of common, and dangerous to us, misconceptions about our sexuality.  One, that we can't know we are attracted to multiple genders w/out dating and/or fvcking multiple genders and/or two, that we can't happily exist in relationships w/out dating and/or fvcking more than one gender. 

Bi/pan people suffer from a lot more violence in their relationships b/c of these biases.  These biases are what's playing into this mess of a marriage above, beyond even wading into "what is a woman".  It's really weird, fetishizing, and effed up when a het cisman is totally okay with his wife only sleeping with other women in the first place.  It pulls in a shit ton of misogyny and other stuff that I'm sitting in my seat shuddering over.

It's not okay, it's a mis-use of our identity, and it has to be stamped out.

Edit: words