You've wanted to be a mother longer than you've known him.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’m currently in a new relationship that’s going well. Only thing is that I’ve always wanted a child. I’m 45 years old, and right before I started dating him, I had purchased eggs and sperm to have a child on my own. He knew all of this before we started our relationship, and he’s never wanted a child, but said he was on the fence and that we could talk about it in a couple months. Well, it’s been almost three months, we’ve talked about it, and he says he’s not going to be ready in the timeframe I gave him (six months). He feels a lot of pressure. It’s heartbreaking because I would really like to give this a chance, but I can’t stop thinking about wanting to become a mother and how time is slipping. I’m also terrified to have a child on my own. Should I leave him and just try using the eggs right away or wait and risk never being a mother?

—Time Chaser

climbingsingle

Don't wait. He's not going to change his mind. 

charlotte989875

Use the eggs right away. You’re never going to get younger. You’ve done the work to get the eggs and sperm- you want a child- don’t hold up your life for someone who doesn’t want or isn’t supportive of something that’s this important to you. 

VarunaTT

There are more than 4 men in the world, LW writing a letter about giving up a life long goal for what is basically a random dude.

STARMOON44

You shouldn’t have stayed with him a day after learning he wasn’t all in on kids. Break up now, or keep dating him but also start trying to have kids on your own. 

short+sassy

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

I’m currently in a new relationship that’s going well. Only thing is that I’ve always wanted a child. I’m 45 years old, and right before I started dating him, I had purchased eggs and sperm to have a child on my own. He knew all of this before we started our relationship, and he’s never wanted a child, but said he was on the fence and that we could talk about it in a couple months. Well, it’s been almost three months, we’ve talked about it, and he says he’s not going to be ready in the timeframe I gave him (six months). He feels a lot of pressure. It’s heartbreaking because I would really like to give this a chance, but I can’t stop thinking about wanting to become a mother and how time is slipping. I’m also terrified to have a child on my own. Should I leave him and just try using the eggs right away or wait and risk never being a mother?

—Time Chaser

I barely need to read the rest of the letter.  

What are you TALKING about?  Why are you considering what this guy prefers for even one second?

But the other part of this, is the LW is scared of being a single mother.  I assume that's why she hasn't already started the procedure.  And while I can understand that, forgetting about this relationship for a minute, she HAS to decide if she is doing this whether she is alone or not.  Because there is very little sand left in the hourglass.

For my armchair psychology, I think she needs to get past her fear and try.  

As an aside, I get the impression they were friends before dating or knew each other.  Because she mentions what he knew "before they started their relationship".

It's also totally inappropriate for the LW to have even pressured this guy like this!  Here's how I envision the conversation:

LW:  "Hey, I know we just started dating.  But you know I want to be a mother...just not on my own...so I'm thinking about trying to get pregnant with the frozen eggs and sperm you know I have.  So, you cool with being a daddy if our relationship goes well?"

Guy (like a deer caught in headlights), "Uuuuuhhh.  I mean, you know I've never wanted kids.  But I dunno.  Maybe I could live with that.  Let's see how things go and revisit this in two months."  Translation:  Hell, no.  But I like her and the relationship is great.  Maybe she'll change her mind, once we are deeper in it.

LW:  "You have 6 months to give me an answer."

I'm amazed this guy didn't already run for the hills.

MyNameIsNot

short+sassy said:

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

I’m currently in a new relationship that’s going well. Only thing is that I’ve always wanted a child. I’m 45 years old, and right before I started dating him, I had purchased eggs and sperm to have a child on my own. He knew all of this before we started our relationship, and he’s never wanted a child, but said he was on the fence and that we could talk about it in a couple months. Well, it’s been almost three months, we’ve talked about it, and he says he’s not going to be ready in the timeframe I gave him (six months). He feels a lot of pressure. It’s heartbreaking because I would really like to give this a chance, but I can’t stop thinking about wanting to become a mother and how time is slipping. I’m also terrified to have a child on my own. Should I leave him and just try using the eggs right away or wait and risk never being a mother?

—Time Chaser

I barely need to read the rest of the letter.  

What are you TALKING about?  Why are you considering what this guy prefers for even one second?

But the other part of this, is the LW is scared of being a single mother.  I assume that's why she hasn't already started the procedure.  And while I can understand that, forgetting about this relationship for a minute, she HAS to decide if she is doing this whether she is alone or not.  Because there is very little sand left in the hourglass.

For my armchair psychology, I think she needs to get past her fear and try.  

As an aside, I get the impression they were friends before dating or knew each other.  Because she mentions what he knew "before they started their relationship".

It's also totally inappropriate for the LW to have even pressured this guy like this!  Here's how I envision the conversation:

LW:  "Hey, I know we just started dating.  But you know I want to be a mother...just not on my own...so I'm thinking about trying to get pregnant with the frozen eggs and sperm you know I have.  So, you cool with being a daddy if our relationship goes well?"

Guy (like a deer caught in headlights), "Uuuuuhhh.  I mean, you know I've never wanted kids.  But I dunno.  Maybe I could live with that.  Let's see how things go and revisit this in two months."  Translation:  Hell, no.  But I like her and the relationship is great.  Maybe she'll change her mind, once we are deeper in it.

LW:  "You have 6 months to give me an answer."

I'm amazed this guy didn't already run for the hills.

This is what I'm getting. I think she wants to be a mother, but doesn't want to be a single mother. She's dating looking for a co-parent, not a partner. 

She needs to decide if she's willing to do this on her own. 

downtondiva

I understand being afraid to raise a child on your own, but being a parent is something you've always wanted and it sounds like you're running out of time to make it happen. You can't afford to wait around for this guy to change his mind, and expecting him to decide about something this huge this early in your relationship is a lot. And even if you broke up with him tomorrow, there's no guarantee you're going to meet someone else right away who'd be amenable to raising a child with you right away. 

You need to decide whether you can do this on your own, and whether it's scarier to be a single parent or not be a parent at all. I think you'll ultimately find the latter a lot scarier and that you don't want to wait for the "right" guy to come along to make it all work.

MesmrEwe

45 plus ~20 (possibly lifetime if SN!), y'all ain't getting any younger by the second LW - dump the dude, have the kid!  His mind isn't going to change and neither is yours LW!  IVF also can take multiple tries and time by itself and is not going to be getting any easier as one ages and enters perimenopause.  Now if LW was 35, it'd be pushing it but give it another few months, but at 45 and this being a new relationship, he's already made his intentions to not have kids known, twelve months or twelve years isn't going to change the mind of a fence sitter as this is a dealbreaker topic for any couple (to/not to/what extent/numbers/parenting style/s, etc.) and the second the kid gets more attention after being born is not going to magically change this guy either on a number of levels.  

LW - there's more than 2 men in the world!