Wedding Woes

Deflect and Bean Dip

My younger sister is engaged and I couldn’t be more thrilled! She has been dating her fiancé for seven years and their relationship has been heading in this direction for a while. He’s nice and she seems very happy. However, I am dreading the endless pitying questions from my family. “Are you okay?” “How nice for you sister—wouldn’t it be great if this happened to you?” “Are you jealous? Are you worried you missed your chance?” Rationally I know that these are dated responses and that a woman’s worth is not dependent on whether or not she is a wife but it’s very hard not to feel a dip in ego when everyone is asking you these questions. To make matters worse, my mother left me off a text chain announcing the news to the family, which means the jokes and barbs will be nonstop. When people inevitably ask me these questions what should I say? How should I steel myself for the coming onslaught of pity?

—Spinster Sister

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Re: Deflect and Bean Dip

  • The LW should plan ahead of time for some great and solid answers to the questions she is expecting.  1-2 sentences and then change the subject.

    Like, "Of course I'm okay!  I'm so excited for Jane."

    "Missed my chance?  For what?  I'm happy being single and have (insert accomplishments/hobbies/what they are proud of)."
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  • Marriage isn't a reward.  
  • Tell them you're doing great, you're happy for your sister, and then change the subject, ideally to telling them about something else good in your life right now.
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  • “Why wouldn’t I be okay, I’m thrilled for Jane!” 

    And honestly bean dip or turn the questions back on them. Ask “why would you think I’d be jealous” and see what they say. 
  • My sister is younger than me and got married first.  I'd already been with my H for many years during her wedding, but wasn't engaged yet.

    I didn't have any of those kind of questions.  But was surprised when a few people...lifelong parent friends...asked me something like, "Jenny!  When do we get to plan a trip to New Orleans for your wedding?"  LMAO.

    I wasn't offended by it.  But kinda deflected the question with a joke of "there's no telling", so they should plan a trip to NOLA anyway and I'd love to meet up with them if they do.

    And as it turned out, I got married back in my hometown anyway and got to see them again there.  I suspect they were happier they didn't actually have to travel for it, lol.
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