“Annette” and I were close childhood friends and stayed friends through it all despite living in different states since we were 18. I value our history, and her honesty, intelligence, and kindness over the years. We stay in touch through video chats and she sends lots of cards. We see each other about twice a year because it’s very expensive.
Annette has been having a tough time since 2018—she’s always been brilliant and was in the final year of medical school when she had a major health event and had to withdraw. After a year, she was healthy enough to work but her doctors and therapist say that operating in fast-paced environments is no longer an option for her, and so she has all the drive and all the debt with no degree. She really struggled emotionally and financially with the loss of her dream, so I gave our friendship a lot of grace. Then her long-term boyfriend moved them to a far-off state and dumped her, so again, a lot of grace.
But it’s been a couple of years since then, and I’m trying to figure out how to handle the new, bitter, judgy woman that Annette has become. She really seems to see people and talk about them in black and white, very different than she did five years ago. Our conversations leave me feeling sad and stressed because nothing she does or tries ever pleases her, and she seems to be digging more into this as time passes. She’s definitely been through it, but I feel like the friend I adored for more than two decades is becoming someone I don’t recognize. Is there anything I can say or do?
—Missing Her