Parents demand dry wedding. Finace demands open bar

knottieeffaa67ca74466fa

I'm in a terrible spot. My parents are NOT drinkers but me and my finace drink socially. He was offered to pay for the catering and the bar entirely at the reception. However, my mom said if there is any alcohol served at the wedding she will not pay for any of it. She would be financing the venue, flowers, dress, etc... I could honestly care less either way. It would be fine if it was a dry wedding. It would be fine with me if there's an open bar. My sister made the argument "He (my finace) can drink before the wedding, after the wedding, or any other night for the rest of his life." I told her it is not about getting drunk. If I asked him to not drink at all that night he wouldn't. It's about his guests. We live near Nashville, TN and he is from Philadelphia. He will have lots of guests going very out of their way to attend the wedding. He wants his family and friends to have an open bar but my parents stand as a road block. I feel like I'm in a lose lose situation. Any advice? 

flantastic

knottieeffaa67ca74466fa said:

I'm in a terrible spot. My parents are NOT drinkers but me and my finace drink socially. He was offered to pay for the catering and the bar entirely at the reception. However, my mom said if there is any alcohol served at the wedding she will not pay for any of it. She would be financing the venue, flowers, dress, etc... I could honestly care less either way. It would be fine if it was a dry wedding. It would be fine with me if there's an open bar. My sister made the argument "He (my finace) can drink before the wedding, after the wedding, or any other night for the rest of his life." I told her it is not about getting drunk. If I asked him to not drink at all that night he wouldn't. It's about his guests. We live near Nashville, TN and he is from Philadelphia. He will have lots of guests going very out of their way to attend the wedding. He wants his family and friends to have an open bar but my parents stand as a road block. I feel like I'm in a lose lose situation. Any advice? 

These are the strings that come with the money. Tell your FI that you understand he wants to host well, but that these are the conditions of the money. Right or wrong, reasonable or unreasonable, if he wants your parents to pay for things, he needs to accept those conditions. If he doesn't want to accept them, the choice is to decline the money and pay for the stuff, alcohol included, yourselves. Maybe this would be calling their bluff, and they would offer, "Well if just you and your FI don't drink..." or something.

You can host an event within etiquette without alcohol, but there are families I know where that would never fly for a hosted event, and they would be disappointed. He probably knows his family is one of those.

What do you think your parents would do if you just graciously declined their money? Would they try to throw a different fit and threaten not to come? I understand wanting the financial help and wanting to keep the peace, but declining their strings-attached offer is within the bounds of reason. I would recommend setting a boundary of not giving in to bullies beyond that.

MobKaz

Do your parents ever attend anything or go anywhere where alcohol is served? 

Do they have some religious or medical reason they cannot be near alcohol? 

This sounds like a power/control issue from your parents.  Have they always insisted it is their way or the highway?

This to me is bigger than helping to host a wedding.  You and your FI are beginning a life as a new family unit.  How you make decisions should be a reflection of you and NOT your parents.  It does not sound as if your folks intend to "gift" this wedding, because gifts do not have strings attached. 

I am not necessarily advocating for duping anyone.  However, a compromise could be had by offering alcohol once dinner is over, at your expense.  If your parents choose to leave at that point, they are making that decision. 

The bottom line is that this decision needs to be made between you and your FI.  You do not need to muddle it with advice from siblings.  You can choose to decline all monies, but then you may also have to alter your budget and/or guest list. 

As a MOB and MOG, who gifted weddings with no strings attached, I feel very strongly that what your parents are suggesting is wrong.

maine7mob

The only way to deal with this is to pay for the wedding yourselves. You are getting married, and yet your parents are still using money to control your decisions. This is not uncommon, but you need to break free of this control if you are to start off your marriage on the right foot. This is the real issue here. Figure out a way to pay for your own wedding if their terms aren't acceptable to both of you.

banana468

I feel like there's a lot going on here and is it possible that this is the mixing of cultures?  Are you in a family/cuture where drinking just doesn't happen? 

I'll agree with the others that it's not about drinking before/after.  It's looking into the style of wedding you intend to have and not being ungrateful to your parents but also knowing that hosting the wedding reflects a mix of the two of you.

The only dry events I host are birthday parties for my children and their friends so my thoughts on dry events are certainly opinionated but so is the concept of respecting your parents. 

If you know that your parents not only do not drink but frown upon it do they ever encounter it?  Would they even attend your wedding if you paid for it?