Tell your DH to step up and do the chores before she can get to them.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’ve known my in-laws since I met my now-husband when I was a college freshman. We’ll be together 19 years soon. His mother was initially quite cool towards me, in a no-woman-is-good-enough-for-my-son kind of way. We also had some cultural differences to navigate. I would now say we have a warm relationship, and I’ve always admired her because she raised her children on her own after being widowed extremely young and still managed a high-flying career which she has recently retired early from. The early retirement has meant she has been incredibly helpful when our children came along, and she is wonderful with them. What is not so wonderful is when she helps us out with housework.

We live in a small urban house, which means some creative storage solutions and no dishwasher. We have on many occasions run through where things go; however, whenever she comes to stay to help us out, we spend a few days after she leaves trying to locate things that she has put away. Generally, it has been minor things like our favorite mugs are on the 2nd shelf with the glasses not the 1st with the other mugs, but over the years she has broken 4 of 6 wine glasses that were wedding gifts when doing the dishes. Even after we say, oh that goes in X cupboard, we’ll find it somewhere else. On the last visit she stored my chef’s knife on the magnet rack with the point down—rather than up like all the other knives on the rack—and then knocked it so that it fell and the tip broke off. A replacement cost me several hundred dollars. She has never offered to replace the items she has broken.

I’m confused at her inability to ask where things go or follow the system that is obvious i.e. all the knives point one way, why would you put it the other way? I can’t shake the feeling she is doing this deliberately. She’s not yet 60, so we have no fear of any memory issues. She remarried 15 years ago to a lovely man who loves keeping a neat house and does almost all of the homemaking. Is she just so out of practice? I’m due to have surgery soon and she has offered to come stay to help with the children and around the house while I’m recovering. I trust her with my children, but I am dreading what damage will be done this time and need advice as to how to address this issue in the future.

—Honestly I Do Like My MIL

banana468

Why on earth is your H not saying, "Hey Mom we really appreciate your help but that's the 2nd wedding wine glass that you broke."?  or "Mom that knife was actually broken to the point that we had to replace it to the tune of $"

Your H needs to speak up and should have addressed some of these issues.   IMO, you need to talk to him and get HIM to put the dishes away.

charlotte989875

You have a husband issue. He needs to step in and do the chores or explain to his mom the impact of her damaging your glassware. 

But you also need to lighten up about stuff that’s just in a wrong place but not actually damaged or being harmed.

 Glasses on the wrong shelf= let it go. 

Repeated broken dishes= husband needs to step in or decline her coming to stay. 

STARMOON44

I mean the wine glasses complaint is weird to me. Glasses break and you deal with it. If she’s being this helpful, I’d let it go. She’s not trashing the house sounds like she’s doing her best. Like gasp of horror that cups went on the glasses shelf? Do you know how much round the clock paid childcare would be?

Casadena

STARMOON44 said:

I mean the wine glasses complaint is weird to me. Glasses break and you deal with it. If she’s being this helpful, I’d let it go. She’s not trashing the house sounds like she’s doing her best. Like gasp of horror that cups went on the glasses shelf? Do you know how much round the clock paid childcare would be?

Honestly, i feel this way too. No one breaks glasses on purpose, it's happens. And my H has lived in our house with me for 5 years and still puts shit away in the "wrong" spot all the time. We move on. Be thankful someone is doing your dishes. 

banana468

Casadena said:

STARMOON44 said:

I mean the wine glasses complaint is weird to me. Glasses break and you deal with it. If she’s being this helpful, I’d let it go. She’s not trashing the house sounds like she’s doing her best. Like gasp of horror that cups went on the glasses shelf? Do you know how much round the clock paid childcare would be?

Honestly, i feel this way too. No one breaks glasses on purpose, it's happens. And my H has lived in our house with me for 5 years and still puts shit away in the "wrong" spot all the time. We move on. Be thankful someone is doing your dishes. 

My mom is sort of this person.  And she doesn't do things intentionally but she's stepped up to help and broken things.  But I address that in the moment, thank her and move on.  

I think the LW is also rigid here.  If there are things that are so specific that they shouldn't be used be clear what is and isn't OK For usage.

mrsconn23

Casadena said:

STARMOON44 said:

I mean the wine glasses complaint is weird to me. Glasses break and you deal with it. If she’s being this helpful, I’d let it go. She’s not trashing the house sounds like she’s doing her best. Like gasp of horror that cups went on the glasses shelf? Do you know how much round the clock paid childcare would be?

Honestly, i feel this way too. No one breaks glasses on purpose, it's happens. And my H has lived in our house with me for 5 years and still puts shit away in the "wrong" spot all the time. We move on. Be thankful someone is doing your dishes. 

DefConn has spent the summer rearranging which spot silverware goes into and it's a surprise each time I open the drawer.  I'm just happy I'm not the one putting the silverware away.   

I think LW is too rigid, but I also understand it can be frustrating that one person has caused damage three times.  But this is where you employ your partner to be more on top of things and be like, "Make sure the dishes are done when she comes over so she can focus on the children only.  Remember, we paid $$$ to fix that knife." 

VarunaTT

This is so minor, I don't even understand.  This could even happen with paid help.  Just let it go, reframe yourself to even giggle about it.

flantastic

mrsconn23 said:

the system that is obvious i.e. all the knives point one way, why would you put it the other way?

HAHA I have this complaint with my own MIL - like, how do you not notice? - but it is overall a whatever thing.

If it's that important to you, don't create opportunities for her to wash and put stuff away.

short+sassy

My H is kind of clumsy and breaks stuff fairly frequently.  But he is NOT getting out of household chores, lol!

I would try to lean more on the hospitality side.  Like her and her husband insisting the MIL doesn't do any chores.  But ask for her "help" holding the baby while they finish up the groceries/dishes/etc.  She will still feel useful and helpful.  And the knives and glassware are safe!

ILoveBeachMusic

LW needs to chill. H and I have been together 40 years and he still doesn't know where everything goes (and he even does most of the cooking/grocery shopping). As for breaking things stuff happens. Is it sad to have wedding presents broken - yes- but it happens.