This is beyond unacceptable.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

Three years ago, my brother-in-law had an affair and left my sister for his pregnant girlfriend. They ultimately reached a shared custody agreement and live a few miles apart. My former BIL has since remarried and had two more children. My sister has enrolled in a PhD program and began dating a man who lives about an hour away. The problem is my niece (13) and nephew (15). Their parents have essentially abandoned them. My sister leaves for work before the kids wake up in the morning and comes home at 10 p.m.

after her classes, Monday through Thursday. She leaves for her boyfriend’s house early Saturday morning and returns midday Sunday. The kids have stopped going to their dad’s house because their stepmom doesn’t like them (according to them). They clearly don’t like her much either.

Child services has had three reports about the kids. The first was filed by my nephew’s school two years ago because he was late every day and had vodka in a water bottle. The second one was filed by the pediatrician because my niece has lost too much weight and her parents did not take her to a specialist. The third was because my nephew was brought into an emergency room in the middle of the night drunk with a broken leg and they could not reach either of his parents for more than 10 hours. All three times my sister and BIL got a lawyer, took some parenting classes, and had the cases closed out.

This past weekend, I received a call at 2:00 a.m. from a woman who was a mother of one of my nephew’s classmates. She found him passed out drunk in her basement and could not reach either of his parents. I tried calling them too, but I could not get hold of them either. I drove two hours to pick him up. When I got to my sister’s house with him, it was 5:00 a.m. and my niece (who is still frighteningly thin) was there by herself. Neither my sister nor my BIL called me back until 10:00 a.m. I don’t know how to help the kids. I live in a one-bedroom apartment two hours away. I told them to call me whenever they need help, but they clearly need more than that. Where do I start?

—Worried Aunt

banana468

Oh dear.  Your nephew has at minimum a substance abuse problem and your niece is either suffering from an eating disorder/malnutrition or both.

At this point I'd likely contact my own attorney.  They at an age where they're going to have a lifetime of issues if they're not shown the love, care and guidance they need from parental figures.  

MyNameIsNot

I guess the first question here is what LW thinks needs to happen here. No one, not LW, not the kids and not the state can force these people to be better parents. So what's the next option? Do you think they'd be better in foster care? Do you think they'd be better living with you or another family member? Do you think that taking a more active role in their life would help? If so, are you willing/able to have them spend weekends with you, even if that means moving? The guilt here is tremendous, but you have to be realistic about how much of an impact you can really have and what the real options are. 

It would be really great if we could say keep reporting to CPS until the sister and BIL turn into better parents, but that just isn't how it works. Sometimes all the options are shitty.