Dear Prudence,
What is the kindest way to explain to my husband, so that he can explain to his parents, that my family doesn’t want to combine holidays with his? Husband is an only child. Since we had kids, his parents have started keeping track of time spent with my family versus his, and feel they come up short. (They don’t: We see them more often but for shorter visits, and we take turns at major holidays. But as my husband says, perception is reality.) They want to be invited when we see my family, especially if we are hosting. Everyone lives far enough apart that holidays equals multiple nights. They also felt hurt to not be invited on vacation with my family. Our families are very different in temperament, social graces, and boundaries in ways that make it uncomfortable to spend time together. (Example: My mom and nieces were watching the movie they watch every Christmas; his dad walked in and changed the channel.) Their point of view: It’s only adding two more people. My point of view: My parents and siblings deserve the right to be together without my in-laws. My sister-in-law shouldn’t have to spend Christmas with her sister-in-law’s family, and I don’t want to spend these visits running social interference between two families. Husband’s point of view: Most people easily combine families (?) and this solution would make the problem go away. I don’t want to say, “My family doesn’t want to spend time with your family!” But what else is there to say? (Please don’t say, “Just have them stay in a hotel!” That’s not the issue.)
—The In-Law of My In-Law Is… Not My Family