You're right, but you're going to have to STFU

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My brother and his wife had my niece from a donated embryo—and plan to never tell her about it. Despite the fact that you can get cheap ancestry tests off Amazon. Their view is that the embryo was genetically screened so my niece will never “need” to ask any health questions about their family history. I told them that was perfectly fucked up. People have a right to their own histories and what made this any different from a regular adoption? My sister-in-law got angry and yelled at me. She gave birth, she was the mom here, and DNA is not anything to that bond. I am not disagreeing. I just think lying to my niece for the rest of her life or until she stumbles onto the truth makes me uncomfortable. My brother and parents told me I needed to shut up and that it wasn’t my place to tell. They’re right, it shouldn’t be mine. It should be my brother and sister-in-law’s. Everything I have looked up has said transparency is best and less harmful long term. And I had a friend find out she was the product of an affair and biracial- after mom died. It was brutal. My niece is only a toddler now. What should I do, if anything? What do I tell her when the truth comes out?

—DNA Questions

STARMOON44

You should mind your own business. If and when the truth comes out, be supportive of your niece. And honestly if you have suggested to the that using a donor embryo is the same as adoption, they probably aren’t open to hearing from you at all. 

banana468

You should absolutely mind your own business.  You said your opinion where it wasn't asked for and now they know it.  Stop.

climbingsingle

You're right but this is not your business. Stay out of it. 

mrsconn23

I personally don't believe in lying to kids this way because LW, is correct, it's too easy to find your origin out nowadays and I'm sure technology is improving.  If one of my siblings were to tell me they intended to keep something like this from their kids, I think I'd at least lightly ask if they've thought of the implications down the road. 

HOWEVER, none of that matters if bro and SIL are making a parenting decision that isn't abusive or endangering their child.  There's nothing you can say and no amount of informal polling or articles that is going to change their opinion at this time.  And if you truly want to stay in their and your niece's lives, you do need to STFU and let it go. 

And don't think they won't be thinking about what you've said for a long time.  So I bet it's going to be bumpy for awhile. But the more you stay shutting the fuck up, the smoother it will be. 

VarunaTT

LW, your personal opinion doesn't need to be taken into consideration by them, so STFU or risk ruining the relationship b/c they're not going to let you near their child.

This is exactly the fight I had with exMIL and didn't speak to her for a year b/c she attacked me for not having children.  She told me she got to have an opinion.  I told her I couldn't stop her from having an opinion, but I sure AF didn't have to consider it at all, listen to it, or give it any consideration at all.  I wasn't going to back down, sweep it under the rug, or let her passively apologize, so we didn't speak to each other and I refused to attend any family events for a year.

Casadena

Of course you're right, LW - you know that. But also STFU about it bc it's none of your business.

MyNameIsNot

You just have to STFU and hold on to "it's not my place." If (when) your niece finds out and asks if you knew, you can explain how it would have been wrong for you to share behind her parents' backs. Hopefully she'll be old enough to understand nuance.