Your friend is an emotional vampire.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My life-long friend has a really negative outlook and I want to help her, but don’t know how. Her biggest gripe is that she’s 42 and single, and she hates hearing about anyone else’s marriage or dating life. She also has extremely low self-esteem, describes herself as unlovable, and—in my opinion—has sabotaged past relationships by constantly questioning why the person is with her. She’s very bitter when friends get married and fall off the radar instead of continuing to prioritize her friendship. (But I think she’s pulling the classic “no one ever calls me” when she could just as easily call them.) She’s in therapy, but she just constantly complains.

I’ve casually suggested she talk to her therapist about antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds, but she’s completely against them. She also has a high-stress job and high-stress family. I really want to help her, but I know that platitudes—like work on loving yourself before looking to love someone else—will just be annoying. We live far away from each other and mostly text. I love her, but don’t know how to help. Help?

—Sad for My Friend

climbingsingle

In my experience, you can't help a person like that. Sounds like it's time to distance yourself from the friendship. 

STARMOON44

You friend clearly does not want help! Focus on yourself. Does this friendship serve your life!

banana468

Your friend wants to be a martyr.  Stop being her friend and she can talk to the next person about how everyone in her life leaves her. 

mrsconn23

LW, let me help you help yourself.  This friend doesn't want help, from you or anyone else.  She's refusing to take advice from her therapist.  Save your empathy for someone who doesn't want to use you as an emotional black hole.  

MyNameIsNot

Do yourself a favor and be the next person who never calls or checks on her. 

short+sassy

I had a friend like that, but with employment/finances.  I gave her BEAU-COUP advice that she asked for and it was a frequent topic of conversation when we hung out a few times a year.  At the time, she'd been on disability for 10+ years, but wanted to get back in the work force.  But after a couple years of that and noticing she never did one thing to help herself, I stopped wasting my breath.  When she would bring it up, I'd sympathize and repeat a couple things.  But then changed the subject.

She knew logically she needed to earn more income and save, for when she turned 65 (disability insurance would end).  But that was 10-15 years away so practically speaking, it wasn't a need yet and she didn't want to change anything in her heart of hearts.

And that's what the LW needs to realize.  Her friend isn't that unhappy with the life she has chosen.  She thinks she is.  But it's much easier for her to continue on with the status quo instead of taking any steps to change.  Sub-consciously, she may not even want a relationship.  Which is why she keeps sabotaging them.