Adult daughter is a mean girl

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I love my daughter, but I didn’t raise her to be so condensing and self-righteous. She acts like everyone who hasn’t gone to college, traveled, and settled down with 2.5 children by their mid-thirties is somehow morally deficient. For example, I mentioned that one of my friend’s children fell in love and got married. Only they dated for a year. Or were engaged for six. Or it was a second marriage. Or they had children together and were finally getting married. My daughter just speaks negatively and predicts how their lives are going to end up in the trash.

It is worse if someone is going back to school. Her cousin is turning 45 this year and has decided to go back to medical school after her youngest went off to college. My daughter just laughed at the news and said it was a waste of a spot at a medical school because her cousin was too old and behind on the times to be a good practicing physician. I told her that was mean and uncalled for. Why would she say such a thing? She and her husband have good careers and a nice house, but life has a way of throwing curve balls. She got angry at that. I don’t know what to do here. I love my daughter, but I really don’t like the woman she has turned into these last few years.

—Mean Queen

banana468

Casadena said:

Dear Prudence,

I love my daughter, but I didn’t raise her to be so condensing and self-righteous. She acts like everyone who hasn’t gone to college, traveled, and settled down with 2.5 children by their mid-thirties is somehow morally deficient. For example, I mentioned that one of my friend’s children fell in love and got married. Only they dated for a year. Or were engaged for six. Or it was a second marriage. Or they had children together and were finally getting married. My daughter just speaks negatively and predicts how their lives are going to end up in the trash.

It is worse if someone is going back to school. Her cousin is turning 45 this year and has decided to go back to medical school after her youngest went off to college. My daughter just laughed at the news and said it was a waste of a spot at a medical school because her cousin was too old and behind on the times to be a good practicing physician. I told her that was mean and uncalled for. Why would she say such a thing? She and her husband have good careers and a nice house, but life has a way of throwing curve balls. She got angry at that. I don’t know what to do here. I love my daughter, but I really don’t like the woman she has turned into these last few years.

—Mean Queen

"Why are you judging a person's desire to make a change?  Is everything OK?"

This is hard because without knowing the situation it's tricky how to respond.  For example, my MIL isn't this person but clearly has opinions that are facts and I've started to speak up when it's necessary (our kids) and less necessary (her opinion of SIL's aunt as an example).  On a random conversation she commented about her dislike of the Harry /Meghan relationship and wished they'd divorce.  I told her how hurtful she was to wish a marriage to end when there are children involved.   Obviously we don't know them - but the point was that she was making cruel and callous comments and I called her out for what they were.  

Depending on the situation it may warrant a one on one especially if this is a pattern of behavior shift OR it's something that Mom knows has the daughter alienated from the rest. "You're more than allowed to have your feelings, but expressing them with arrogance and a feeling of authority is often rude which leads many to think that you're deliberately rude and insulting.  I hope your intention is not to make people feel bad but your delivery is arriving with feelings damaged." 

Then be clear and cite examples and ask if there is anything bothering her or a problem.  Maybe she's overwhelmed but it's still no excuse to be hurtful. 

charlotte989875

I’m curious if daughter is say 22, in their first real job, and clearly knows everything about everything because they’ve just learned so much and have had so much life experience? 

Look I thought I knew everything at 22 and I knew nothing. 

When she says things like this why not ask her “why do you think that?”

ILoveBeachMusic

charlotte989875 said:

I’m curious if daughter is say 22, in their first real job, and clearly knows everything about everything because they’ve just learned so much and have had so much life experience? 

Look I thought I knew everything at 22 and I knew nothing. 

When she says things like this why not ask her “why do you think that?”

I doubt she is this young because LW says that daughter and her husband have good careers and a nice house.

banana468

ILoveBeachMusic said:

charlotte989875 said:

I’m curious if daughter is say 22, in their first real job, and clearly knows everything about everything because they’ve just learned so much and have had so much life experience? 

Look I thought I knew everything at 22 and I knew nothing. 

When she says things like this why not ask her “why do you think that?”

I doubt she is this young because LW says that daughter and her husband have good careers and a nice house.

That's what I was thinking.

I DO think that she's likely young but I wonder if the daughter doesn't have kids (yet?) so her view is still relatively insulated with not a lot of experience. 

When DH and I were married but didn't have kids I knew my kids would be great eaters who never used screens and would always be taught to be respectful and get along with each other.  

Life has a way of laughing at you while making plans.  I get a whiff of privileged arrogance though.  Maybe she grew up white, middle to upper class and didn't have a lot of obstacles thrown her way.  The issue is that she's also so closed minded. 

mrsconn23

I'd like to know more about this daughter's lifestyle and/or how she was raised by LW.  It's interesting that LW is all, "Why does she say these things? Why is she like this?!"  Like, you raised her LW and 'installed' the buttons.  

LW also says this has been something that's reared its head in the 'last few years'. How often do you see her and/or have these conversations? What has happened in her life in the last few years?  Does she have new friends?  Did they move to a 'tony' area or something?  What's her husband and his family like?  Could all of that be influencing her worldview?  

Or you raised an asshole.  Maybe you didn't mean to or didn't see if before, but if she's really like this all the time about everyone, she's a jerk.  She can get mad all she wants, but I recommend to keep calling her out.  

ILoveBeachMusic

mrsconn23 said:

I'd like to know more about this daughter's lifestyle and/or how she was raised by LW.  It's interesting that LW is all, "Why does she say these things? Why is she like this?!"  Like, you raised her LW and 'installed' the buttons.  

LW also says this has been something that's reared its head in the 'last few years'. How often do you see her and/or have these conversations? What has happened in her life in the last few years?  Does she have new friends?  Did they move to a 'tony' area or something?  What's her husband and his family like?  Could all of that be influencing her worldview?  

Or you raised an asshole.  Maybe you didn't mean to or didn't see if before, but if she's really like this all the time about everyone, she's a jerk.  She can get mad all she wants, but I recommend to keep calling her out.  

Not necessarily. You can raise children and try and instill things into them but it doesn't "take". Daughter could've had her worldview changed in other atmospheres like college or work.

mrsconn23

ILoveBeachMusic said:

mrsconn23 said:

I'd like to know more about this daughter's lifestyle and/or how she was raised by LW.  It's interesting that LW is all, "Why does she say these things? Why is she like this?!"  Like, you raised her LW and 'installed' the buttons.  

LW also says this has been something that's reared its head in the 'last few years'. How often do you see her and/or have these conversations? What has happened in her life in the last few years?  Does she have new friends?  Did they move to a 'tony' area or something?  What's her husband and his family like?  Could all of that be influencing her worldview?  

Or you raised an asshole.  Maybe you didn't mean to or didn't see if before, but if she's really like this all the time about everyone, she's a jerk.  She can get mad all she wants, but I recommend to keep calling her out.  

Not necessarily. You can raise children and try and instill things into them but it doesn't "take". Daughter could've had her worldview changed in other atmospheres like college or work.

Oh I understand that and this is a letter, so we can't know everything.  But it would have been nice for LW to throw in a tiny bit of history for reference. 

What was she like when she was younger?  Is this a stark personality change or an evolution from other behaviors once she had outside influences?  Maybe she's been snarky and judgmental for a long time, but it's become overt in the last few years.  

MyNameIsNot

My experience has been that a lot of this kind of stuff comes from a place of jealousy. If it's new, maybe daughter is unhappy with her marriage or career and has no idea how to do anything about it and is using snarky judgments to make herself feel better.

Anyway, all LW can do is keep calling it out.