Wedding Woes

You know you should leave.

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I are in our mid-30s. He has 9-year-old twins that I have had in my life since they were babies. His ex is a mess and didn’t bother to try and get her act together until this year. We shared equal custody with the maternal grandparents. She has never had custody or paid child support. She does the bare minimum when she feels like it and acts like the parent of the year and everyone lets her. I thought my husband had my back when it came to me acting as a mother to the twins and I thought I had a good relationship with the grandparents. Now his ex can straight up lie to the twins, (tell them I cheated on their father when she was pregnant when we hadn’t even met or I told her she can’t take the kids for treats ), called me a bitch to my face with no one even flinching. She is “working on” it. Both of the twins are acting out with my stepdaughter acting the worst and imitating her mother. She will not even call me by my name let alone mom.

Worst of all, I have miscarried twice this year. My husband wants to “put a pin in it” when it comes to having our own child. He will not give me any kind of timeline. I don’t even feel like a wife and mother anymore, just a deluded fool who was the unpaid housekeeper that my husband wanted to sleep with. Our insurance doesn’t cover therapy so I am working extra shifts to pay for the twins to see someone. I feel like I have to act now or I will lose my chance at motherhood. I don’t know if that means staying or going.

—Step Mom

Re: You know you should leave.

  • Leave. The fact that he won't even talk to his ex about bad mouthing you should speak volumes. 
    This.  Tell your H that the best foundation that the kids need is to see parents being respectful and that means that his job is to show the kids it's not OK to be disrespectful to you. If he refuses then be clear - you're not a party to this and you'll be leaving....with 50% of the marital assets. 
  • That your husband doesn’t stand up for you when his ex is calling you names and allowing h his children to disrespect you is the biggest red flag that you could get. He’s made clear where he’s coming down in this situation- you have to decide if you’re okay continuing on this way or not. 
  • You tell someone at work to 'put a pin in it' when they are getting too far ahead on a project, not your spouse regarding serious life issues/changes. 

    No one here respects you, LW.  That is just terrible.  Leave him. Put in the extra shifts to buy your freedom from this mess.  Also, look into freezing your eggs (if possible), and then you can also buy yourself some time to figure out what's next. 
  • I'm sorry LW.  You've given so much and everyone is treating you terribly.  I'd absolutely end the marriage, this is hopefully not your only chance at having a baby, but would you really want to bring a child into the current shitshow with how everyone is treating you?
  • The only thing your H is right about is that you shouldn't bring a baby into this mess. Get out. Mid 30's is not too old to move on and have a kid with someone else. 
  • Wait...so your husband refuses to stand up for you after you helped raise his children for almost a decade, AND he tells you to "put a pin in" having a baby when you've miscarried twice in a year???? 

    You don't have to live like this. Make a plan, save that money from your extra shifts for yourself, and get the hell out of there.
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