Kid's safety > his feelings

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I live in a big city, have two kids—aged 5 and 2—and need your help to address a family issue. My father lives with my stepmother in a small seaside town and would love to take care of the kids during vacation at his place. While we don’t have the greatest relationship, I am very open to the fact that he can build one with my kids.

The problem is: I don’t feel his home is a safe place for my kids as he has a swimming pool with no security system, some old weapons exposed everywhere (think spears on the wall, flints on the buffet), and unprotected stairs. My father likes taking naps and I don’t trust my kids (as they are kids you know) to not jeopardize themselves in the meantime. My stepmother has never been really involved, so while I don’t blame her, I don’t rely on her either. Also, they never visit us in the big city. When they do, they actually only spend a few hours with us as they go shopping and sleep at the hotel downtown (we do have a guest room, but they have never spent the night there). My father is a very proud man and has a strong habit of belittling me whenever I raise a concern about anything. He’ll say, “Don’t worry too much.”

I really don’t like the idea of confronting him, but I obviously won’t give in on such an important matter either. So far I have found excuses, but this year I don’t have any. How do you reckon I should handle this?

—Tired of Dodging the Bullet

banana468

Let him know that you're not comfortable with that but consider something like going there for a night with the kids and he watches them for a night while you go out?  Or put it off and continue to talk to your kids as they age about how some homes have items in there that are not safe.

That said, if he pushes then be clear: his house isn't kid-proofed and it's great for him but you do not want to run the risk of anyone being hurt when these are items the kids do not understand at their ages.   If the result is a strained relationship with your dad and two alive kids I think you picked wisely. 

Casadena

How is LW torn about this. An unsafe house with a person they don't have a good relationship with. Just no. 

levioosa

Listen, I don’t even have kids but I do know a couple things and one of them is: children pretty much do their best to self destruct on the regular. I don’t know why LW is so torn on this unless there are other emotions like guilt tied into this and clouding their judgment. 

climbingsingle

A relationship with their grandfather is not worth your kids' safety. 

charlotte989875

Your kids are too young to be left alone is a house that unsafe. 

If you want to pursue this then go out there and stay, but be clear on what needs to be done in order to keep them safe. If he’s not willing to make minor changes then he’s not really interested in having a real relationship with them. 

We had to do this with my mom- she kept asking to have M stay over and we had to be really clear- she needed a gate at the top of their hard wood stairs and locking the basement door. No exceptions. She thought we were a little ridiculous but she did it. 

MyNameIsNot

He's not going to listen to your concerns. But even if his house was perfectly safe and child-friendly, I wouldn't leave 2 little kids in his care for several days when he's never spent more than a few hours with them! Does he even know how to get your kids to eat or go to bed? 

Just do some vague maybe someday thing and change the subject. 

levioosa

I don’t know what it is about older generations being all “well we didn’t do any safety precautions and we were just fine!” Because 1) many children were, in fact, not fine, and 2) I look back at some shit we did as kids before certain regulations and I think “holy shit we lucked out that we’re okay,” not “well I did it and survived so they should do it and be fine too”

downtondiva

Safety first. Your children are way, way too young to understand and remember on their own about staying out of the pool or away from the weapons. You shouldn't leave them with someone you can't trust to look after them. I think it's okay to be honest about that and to suggest that he and your stepmom visit you in the city and spend more time with the kids than they normally do.

charlotte989875

levioosa said:

I don’t know what it is about older generations being all “well we didn’t do any safety precautions and we were just fine!” Because 1) many children were, in fact, not fine, and 2) I look back at some shit we did as kids before certain regulations and I think “holy shit we lucked out that we’re okay,” not “well I did it and survived so they should do it and be fine too”

This. 

My mom talks all the time about how we were fine in cribs with bumpers or sleeping in rockers. Umm lots of babies were not fine. 

climbingsingle

levioosa said:

I don’t know what it is about older generations being all “well we didn’t do any safety precautions and we were just fine!” Because 1) many children were, in fact, not fine, and 2) I look back at some shit we did as kids before certain regulations and I think “holy shit we lucked out that we’re okay,” not “well I did it and survived so they should do it and be fine too”

So true. I'm super thankful that my parents have adapted when it comes to my nephew. The first time my brother and SIL brought him to their house, my mom had baby-proofed literally everything in their entire house. Honestly, I was worried at first - they have absolutely had that mentality of "well, you kids were fine!". 

banana468

levioosa said:

I don’t know what it is about older generations being all “well we didn’t do any safety precautions and we were just fine!” Because 1) many children were, in fact, not fine, and 2) I look back at some shit we did as kids before certain regulations and I think “holy shit we lucked out that we’re okay,” not “well I did it and survived so they should do it and be fine too”

And well....the dead ones aren't talking!! 

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

levioosa said:

I don’t know what it is about older generations being all “well we didn’t do any safety precautions and we were just fine!” Because 1) many children were, in fact, not fine, and 2) I look back at some shit we did as kids before certain regulations and I think “holy shit we lucked out that we’re okay,” not “well I did it and survived so they should do it and be fine too”

This. 

My mom talks all the time about how we were fine in cribs with bumpers or sleeping in rockers. Umm lots of babies were not fine. 

Fortunately not a permanent injury.  But my sister broke her collar bone when she was an infant because of a poor crib design that hasn't been legal for probably the last 30 years.

It was one of those cribs that had a lever you could press with your foot to make the side come down.  Super convenient for parents when their hands were full and holding a baby.  But way too easy to accidentally hit that latch and have the side of the crib come down while a baby was in it.

It was my fault!  I was only 4 years old myself and was playing peekaboo, by hiding under her crib and popping up.  I accidentally hit the latch and she went tumbling out of the crib.

But yes.  It is a pet peeve of mine when people act like just because they did dangerous things when they were kids or had kids means that it must be fine and safe. 

My H grew up in the 60s when cars often didn't have seat belts.  And, even when they did, his parents never buckled up or made their kids buckle up.  But hey!  He, his sisters, and his parents all survived not wearing seat belts until the 70s.  So obviously wearing a seat belt is an overblown and unnecessary safety device//s.

ILoveBeachMusic

Those cribs were very convenient for when the baby/toddler was on the lowest mattress setting or the parents were short people. I am 5'6" and have problems bending over to get the 2 year old out of the crib unless he is standing. Had the same problem with the twins. One would think they could figure a safer way to have the sides moveable.

short+sassy

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Those cribs were very convenient for when the baby/toddler was on the lowest mattress setting or the parents were short people. I am 5'6" and have problems bending over to get the 2 year old out of the crib unless he is standing. Had the same problem with the twins. One would think they could figure a safer way to have the sides moveable.

My mom is only 4'11".  I never thought about the height thing, but that makes sense also.

I'm 5'0" and can barely reach the bottom of my washing machine, lol.  If clothes are on the far side, I have to rotate the tub so they are in front or I have no chance.

banana468

Drop side cribs were outlawed the year I got pregnant with Chiquita.  I guess for us we didn't "know" any difference and the advantage was that you could set the mattress height when the kids were less mobile.  Once they were taller I made them stand to get out or...they catapulted themselves. 

Also crib sets used to be sold with bumpers which increase the risk of infant suffocation.   Plenty of babies lived who had them in cribs but...those that didn't aren't here to talk about it. 

short+sassy

banana468 said:

Drop side cribs were outlawed the year I got pregnant with Chiquita.  I guess for us we didn't "know" any difference and the advantage was that you could set the mattress height when the kids were less mobile.  Once they were taller I made them stand to get out or...they catapulted themselves. 

Also crib sets used to be sold with bumpers which increase the risk of infant suffocation.   Plenty of babies lived who had them in cribs but...those that didn't aren't here to talk about it. 

Oh wow!  I thought they had been outlawed a much longer time ago.

ILoveBeachMusic

banana468 said:

Drop side cribs were outlawed the year I got pregnant with Chiquita.  I guess for us we didn't "know" any difference and the advantage was that you could set the mattress height when the kids were less mobile.  Once they were taller I made them stand to get out or...they catapulted themselves. 

Also crib sets used to be sold with bumpers which increase the risk of infant suffocation.   Plenty of babies lived who had them in cribs but...those that didn't aren't here to talk about it. 

You can still set the mattress height. DD's crib mattresses for the boys went almost to the ground.

banana468

ILoveBeachMusic said:

banana468 said:

Drop side cribs were outlawed the year I got pregnant with Chiquita.  I guess for us we didn't "know" any difference and the advantage was that you could set the mattress height when the kids were less mobile.  Once they were taller I made them stand to get out or...they catapulted themselves. 

Also crib sets used to be sold with bumpers which increase the risk of infant suffocation.   Plenty of babies lived who had them in cribs but...those that didn't aren't here to talk about it. 

You can still set the mattress height. DD's crib mattresses for the boys went almost to the ground.

That's how we set it up once Chiquita was old enough to sit up.