A letter from the 'other' side of these situations.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My daughter has spent most of her 20s trying to find her feet—between careers and relationships. My sons both knew what they wanted since they were little. Naturally, the family ribs each other so there was some light teasing about her excitement over her new job. She left early saying she was feeling bad. When I later called her, she blew up. She said she was tired of being the family joke and she would be taking a break from family functions for the near future for her own mental health. I told her to stop taking it so seriously and she had to come. Her grandmother isn’t in good health and she only had a few good years left. Did she really want to waste them? My daughter told me that the conversation was done and has since not taken any calls from family. When my husband and I drove down to see her in person, her roommate asked us to leave and was willing to call the cops if we refused. I have never been so insulted in my life. We are very concerned because this has come out of nowhere. What do we do?

—Worried

banana468

You apologize.  That's what you do.  Your daughter told you her feelings and quite frankly do YOU want to not change so badly that you'll lose a family matriarch and your child so close to each other?  That sounds really short sighted and a great way to find yourself more alone in the next year. 

climbingsingle

Jesus. Give her some space, first of all. You downplayed her feelings, never apologized and then used her grandmother to try to emotionally manipulate her (my mom used to do this shit to me too when I was mad at her). 

And omg, you showed up unannounced at her house? Beg for her forgiveness if she's ready to talk you again. 

charlotte989875

Apologize yesterday. 

But seriously take a long look at how you treat your daughter. This isn’t coming out of nowhere if you yourself acknowledge the entire family has teased her about not having found a career. And when she has something she’s excited about you still all make fun of her. Your teasing isn’t funny to her and she’s tired of it. She’s not unreasonable here. 

mrsconn23

You've never been so 'insulted' in your life, LW?  You actively shit on your daughter after she was trying to share the excitement of a new job with you.  Also, you clearly prefer your sons over her. 

Unless you apologize and change, you can fuck all the way off.  

MyNameIsNot

I have a feeling Prudie's response to this is going to suck. 

mrsconn23

MyNameIsNot said:

I have a feeling Prudie's response to this is going to suck. 

It's actually not bad!! 

Dear Worried,

You write that your daughter’s estrangement—which is what this is—“has come out of nowhere.” Your surprise surprised me! To me, the signs of escalating conflict were apparent. Typically, people estrange themselves as a last-ditch effort. Something in a relationship is causing serious distress, but previous attempts to communicate have failed. It’s the nuclear option. And it’s a way to protect yourself when the person you love can’t, or won’t, listen.

I am estranged from both of my parents. Four years ago, I took the plunge with my mom, after agonizing over the decision for years. See, I loved her. During my adolescence, my mom was the one person who believed in me. She is also a severe hoarder who had me medicated rather than deal with her own problems. In high school, I spent time in foster care and homeless, sleeping on friends’ sofas, in my car, and in a shelter because there was nowhere for me at home. When, at 17, I was set up by hostel employees and raped, my mom blamed me for accepting a single alcoholic drink, which may or may not have happened.

None of these circumstances caused our estrangement; I, more than anyone, wanted a joyous, healing reunion. Eventually, though, I had to step away because my mom was unable to take any responsibility for her role in what happened. For years, I lived with the crushing guilt of believing it was all my fault—from foster care to assault—because that’s what my mom told me. When I tried to bring it up, my mom doubled down. She didn’t react this way because she was a bad person or didn’t love me, but because she couldn’t understand how her actions were hurting me.

While those particulars are (hopefully!) very far from your reality, I also see some similarities. In your letter, I notice multiple occasions of your daughter expressing her unhappiness; in each case, you ignore it, minimize it, or tell her she’s overreacting. You express concern that your daughter has suddenly distanced herself, but you never convey fear about how you might have hurt her—or even acknowledge that your behavior contributed to her need for space.

It also seems like you think about this relationship through the lens of obligation. It sounds like you expect your daughter to put up with a lot—including being compared to her brothers and teased on sore subjects—without ever objecting or getting upset. Intentionally or not, you’ve made it hard to set boundaries, insisting that your daughter “had to come” to family functions, regardless of the reason why. When you showed up at her home, unannounced, uninvited, and unwelcome, you felt insulted, likely because you believe she owes you and your husband a face-to-face conversation, regardless of whether you’re listening to her. The truth is, your daughter is an adult. Healthy adult relationships, family or not, are based on mutual care and respect. It doesn’t sound like she’s getting that from you. It’s unclear that you even agree that’s important.

Frankly, I’m worried about your chances of reconciliation. This rift will not resolve itself. If you are serious about seeing your daughter again, you need to take action. This does not mean showing up at her house: She’s set clear limits, which you need to respect. Instead, I urge you and your husband to read The Rules of Estrangement by Joshua Coleman, a psychologist who specializes in helping parents heal ruptures. Seek out a therapist who specializes in estrangement and show them the letter you sent me. While there are support groups for parents in your shoes, they are often counterproductive and more focused on kvetching about spoiled spawn than about finding a solution. In the meantime, encourage her grandmother and siblings to reach out—not as your emissaries, but as relatives whose relationships with your daughter need not be tainted by your conflict. Not only is it the right thing to do, but it will send a message that you care about your daughter and her best interests. Good luck!

downtondiva

Better answer from Prudie than I expected. 

Personally, I suspect that this "light teasing" wasn't as light as LW claims and that it went on for years before this latest incident. Daughter probably got fed up of constantly being picked on and felt deflated from being teased over something she's excited and hopeful about. LW should really take a hard look at family dynamics, apologize to the daughter, and give the daughter some space. And do better if/when the daughter comes back.