Dear Prudence,
I’m a woman in my late-20s, and I’ve been in only two serious relationships in my life. They tended toward “intense” and “rollercoaster edging on emotional abuse” and I vowed to do better. Now, I’ve been seeing someone for about a year and I’m concerned I don’t love him enough because I don’t feel constantly on the precipice of loss and unavailability. My current boyfriend is sweet, supportive, consistent, and an excellent communicator. He listens to my needs, and I feel like I understand his. Even when we disagree, we talk it out respectfully.
I’m happy when we’re together, I love the way his brilliant, kind brain works, and I’m proud of the life we’re building. But when he talks about marriage, I feel panicky and scared that something’s missing. I don’t get that relieved zing when I see his texts, and I’m even sometimes annoyed to hear from him (he wants a lot of communication, always). I try to imagine us breaking up and I feel deeply sad about missing him and not experiencing life together. On the other hand, I can’t tell if I love him enough because that obsessive intensity isn’t there for me. Did I see my tumultuous relationships and go too far in the other direction? How happy is stability supposed to feel? How do I know if it’s enough? I can’t imagine what “more” would feel like in a relationship without the low.
—Stepped Off the Rollercoaster