I've got another confession to make!

banana468

I GOT FOO FIGHTERS TICKETS!!! 

Casadena

So awesome @banana468, enjoy the show!!

banana468

Figuring out childcare is next on my list but I'm looking forward to a nice afternoon and evening with DH in July which I think may be near @ei34.

charlotte989875

That’s awesome and I’m jealous @banana468!!

banana468

charlotte989875 said:

That’s awesome and I’m jealous @banana468!!

If you have a Citibank card you may be able to hop onto the presale that started this morning at 10.  code is the first 6 digits of your card. 

Casadena

My period is late after all the abnormal bleeding the last few months but all the PMS symptoms are out in full force so hoping it's soon. Ultrasound last week came back clear - she just recommended pelvic floor therapy and going back on the pill.

I'm unloading a little, just an FYI:

TLDR:H is likely going to quit his job. I'm supportive of a change but pissed about the process/decision making/lack of plan. 

I think H is going to quit his job. I'm a little worried/pissed about it (not necessarily money - he does well, but we'd be fine on either of our salaries with a little tightening). But he's been unhappy for a long time, had ample opportunities to job search - he was home for 7 months last year with lots of stretches that did not include G being home sick. He started a class in August, which is great, but now he's getting overwhelmed with work and school and family stuff and is at the end of his rope with work. I'm frustrated because he's done nothing to change his situation, meanwhile, I feel stuck at my company because we need insurance coverage (boys are on my insurance) and FMLA access. FMLA is probably not AS important if one of us isn't working, but I want to be able to be there for my kid when he's hospitalized too. And I just feel like he's making unilateral decisions that affect our whole family and my career as well without having a thoughtful discussion with me about all the moving parts. I've told him some of this and he gets mad that i'm not supportive or not prioritizing his mental health or only caring about money. He also hasn't been able to vocalize what it is that he WANTS to do. Do you want to work part time while you finish school? Do you want to go back to school full time? Do you want to just find a different less stressful job? How will that affect finances? What can we cut out in the meantime? etc etc. 

 

short+sassy

@banana468, congrats!

@Casadena, I totally understand what you are saying!  It's not that you are against him quitting his job necessarily.  But you want him to have a PLAN and goal in place, before he does.  Because it is a lot of moving parts.  If he wants another, less stressful job.  Then it's a stronger hand if he already has a job when he's looking.  I think it would be the most prudent to keep working for at least a few months while he is trying to line up something else.  If he wants to go back to school p/t or f/t, then it might make more sense to sign up for the spring semester and work until the end of the year.  Good luck with it all.  I hope you all find  solution that works best for everyone.

Maybe it is just because it is new, but I am feeling extra great after WFH yesterday!  I had a productive and less stressful day.  Had more time to get stuff done around the house.  I've also been feeling better and healthier from my cleaner eating.  A group of my coworkers and I have also started taking a short walk in the morning and afternoon, as a break.  We aren't perfect about doing it every day, 2x/day.  But it's refreshing and a serotonin boost when we do.

It's also only been one week and I already lost my vacation weight!  Which was 6.5 lbs.  Under normal circumstances, that's way too much to lose in one week.  But since it was "temporary" weight I gained in only 10 days, I see it more as my body saying, "Phew!  The food intake is back to normal, so let's bring the weight back down to normal."  I'm really happy about it.  I thought it was going to take at least 2 weeks.

ei34

That’s some bs @Casadena you’ve been through a lot too here. Just from what you’ve told me I’d really be at the end of my rope with him. Extra thumbs down and you bringing up a fair point and him accusing you of not being supportive bc of it 😒 glad that your ultrasound came back clear

@banana468 congrats! That is where I just saw P!nk (though I didn’t realize there was a foo fighters tour and had to look it up lol)

Dealing with a raging period headache and stbxh is I feel like finding way to annoy me, but otherwise ssdd. (Actually, I guess the stbxh part should be paired with the ssdd lol)

banana468

@Casadena I feel like your H's approach is a classic defensive mechanism that puts the guilt on you while he's still not offering a solution.

I'm all about mental health but there's kind of a line that's needed in terms of where you draw it.  Like it or not, money is needed for nearly everything.  So while you want fulfillment, cutting out something that's mentally draining without a plan in place seems to be trading one problem for another.   Bringing that to his attention isn't supportive.  You two are a team so he should be seeing that his decisions are not in a vacuum.

Can he seek a career counselor?  Maybe that would be a better next step so there's more advice at a professional level rather than the wife?  

CharmedPam

Yay @banana468!
@Casadena, I’m sorry he put this on you. I always advise getting a job before quitting one.  Like, even a temp one? Maybe delivery service while he looks around? I think some places WANT temp help near the holidays! 

Great on the loss @short+sassy! Vacation weight gain isnt a real gain lol.

I bought a dehumidifier and plugged it in last night. I was in a conversation last weekend about “damp musty houses” this time of year and the women said “most people don’t know about dehumidifiers when that happens”.  Yup.  That would be me! I love it.  I feel the air is better already. I kinda want a second for my bedroom. 

SSDD otherwise.

charlotte989875

Well you’re being more patient and supportive than I think I would be @casadena. I’d be livid. Needing a change, need to leave for your mental health is all okay and important. But not being willing to talk about the impact to you or what he does want to do, or plan to do in the meantime isn’t okay. Has he quit yet? 

Is he willing to go to therapy? Sounds like there’s a lot he could work out with some help. 

All the support- that really sucks. 

flantastic

I feel like H carries a lot of things because of my mental health - my response to that is a) gratitude, b) checking in on him every so often, and c) making sure that I do what I actually can to support our household and its needs.

I don't understand how figuring out how to best take care of the whole family (himself included, but also you and the boys) is not the starting point for him, @Casadena. I would absolutely never quit a job, even a terrible one, unless H and I had agreed on a plan for how our family's needs that are currently being covered by that job are going to be addressed.

Casadena

You guys are making me feel much less crazy for not immediately saying "yes, of course quite your job asap!" 

He's seen a therapist off and on for the last couple years but not currently. I've asked many times and he says he wants to but hasn't followed through. He's absolutely dealing with depression/anxiety and (in my totally unprofessional opinion) mild OCD and also has an autoimmune disease that's been flaring on and off the last few months. Shit's been hard for sure and i understand that. He also has just a very "specific" personality so if it's not the perfect therapist and in person, or he doesn't have the perfect exact qualifications for a job posting, he kind of shuts down and just can't handle it. 

I know i'm making him sound like a total asshole and i really don't like that. People change for sure, but this is not his real personality at all. He's hilarious and fun and a hard worker and i've never met someone more genuinely interested in other people. Depression is a bitch and he definitely needs to get more assistance than i can provide alone. 

Thanks for letting me vent and giving advice, i truly don't know what i would have done the last couple years without you all. 

levioosa

I’m so sorry @casadena. I totally understand how you feel. H is the same way and while I knew he was unhappy and I was trying to be supportive and proactive I felt blindsided when he just left work a few weeks ago without a conversation prior. It’s really shitty and I’m sorry you’re going through it. It’s extra hard because you’re having to navigate care for multiple humans, not just yourself or even just you and H. All of the hugs. 

Weekend was really fun. H and I had one of our best date nights in awhile. Sunday I made brunch for us which was delicious. Yesterday I had a very productive if not frustrating day. I’ve been fighting with insurance to find out 1) who my PCP is, 2) if I need referrals or if I can self refer, and 3) fighting with my PCP office once I figured out #1 to get an appointment. There were huge problems with my insurance at the beginning of the year (for everyone in the group, not just me). We didn’t even get our insurance cards until April or May. Well, my PCP called me yesterday and told me I could come in last minute. I need stuff done so I came in only for them to tell me I didn’t need 90% of the referrals I asked for because I could friggen self refer! So this whole time I could have gone to ortho for my knee and I could have gone to derm for this suspicious lesion I have on my lip! The only thing I couldn’t really do was order my own MRI and and US I need (boo) so at least the visit was productive in that sense. So now I have referrals and appointments with derm, pulmonologist, MRI, US, ortho, and I need to probably schedule an appointment with nephrology for a check up since it’s been *cough* 25 years. 

Otherwise not too much happening here. I am still in a massive funk about the fall out that SIL A and I had in Yosemite. It’s messing with my sleep and it’s making it hard to concentrate. I don’t like conflict but I’m a “let it cool for a minute and then talk it out” kind of a person. I didn’t do anything wrong and yet BIL A was over yesterday and made a comment about how we “were both stubborn.” I mean yes, but this is a time when I literally didn’t do anything wrong. She left me in the woods alone, sick, and injured because she was pissed she wasn’t getting the work out she thought she should get. So I told her she was being a shitty friend, which was true, although it’s also true I probably could have waited until the hike was over, and she snapped back with some other mean things and then left me. And when I finally got back to camp after an unintended solo hike 16 miles later, her apology was “sorry thought you were behind us, we thought about going back but didn’t.” That’s a non apology. That’s the apology a kindergartner gives and then their teacher has to talk them through why that’s not sincere. If she had given me a real apology either then, or since then, even in a text, I would be annoyed but okay. She told H and BIL she felt bad and she knew she was wrong but she never said it to me and I’m the person who needed the apology.  Instead I’ve reached out twice and she hasn’t responded beyond a super surface level because in BILs words “she doesn’t want to talk about it and she just wants to move on.” Okay that’s nice. But you can’t just ignore your shitty behavior and not apologize because it makes you uncomfortable. I shouldn’t be surprised. She never addresses anything and man is it really fucking her up. But I don’t need to be a casualty in it. 

Sorry for the rant. I’m just really bothered. 

Casadena

CharmedPam said:

Yay @banana468!
@Casadena, I’m sorry he put this on you. I always advise getting a job before quitting one.  Like, even a temp one? Maybe delivery service while he looks around? I think some places WANT temp help near the holidays! 

Great on the loss @short+sassy! Vacation weight gain isnt a real gain lol.

I bought a dehumidifier and plugged it in last night. I was in a conversation last weekend about “damp musty houses” this time of year and the women said “most people don’t know about dehumidifiers when that happens”.  Yup.  That would be me! I love it.  I feel the air is better already. I kinda want a second for my bedroom. 

SSDD otherwise.

Dehumidifier is a total lifechanger. We have a large one and it's full every single day! I can tell immediately when i wake up if we forgot do to it the night before. glad you love it!

CharmedPam

@levioosa, it sounds like you did nothing wrong. I hope you finally get the apology you deserve

charlotte989875

You’re not making him sound like an asshole @Casadena. He can be a great dad, funny, engaged, and good person- and still do things that feel inconsiderate and hurtful. Relationships are complex and it’s totally fine (normal even) to feel the way you are when your partner isn’t seemingly concerned with the impact of their decisions. 

All the good thoughts and know you can vent here anytime! 

banana468

@Casadena I am with the others that you can be a good person and still handle some things poorly.  I love love love DH and sometimes get so frustrated when he doesn't get it.  It doesn't make him bad but it's frustrating when he refuses to acknowledge his faults. 

MesmrEwe

banana468 said:

I GOT FOO FIGHTERS TICKETS!!! 

Enjoy!!!  Should be a great concert!